Adoration Conviction

My head is still spinning, but I can still keep steady thoughts. All I can make out, and know if I open my eyes. I will only see a disconsolate capacious room, with me tied like a fool.

I knew that this would happen, but I think I never really gave it much thought before. I never knew I would fall for her this hard. And with my now crumpled up heart- she deformed so well. I am awaiting not for her, but for an answer as to when I will see her again.

I know in the knowledge that a grown man can consume over the years, I will not see her again. That is why I keep my eyes closed. Hoping maybe if they are closed long enough, my life will just fade along with her.

I don't taste the bitterness of my bodily fluids rising in my mouth. I taste the bitterness of this hurt and anguish I seem to feel, as she left me here. I feel no pain, only my heart does.

" He's in here..!"

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The air was stagnate as the cool rush of the water drizzles were hitting the back of my head. I looked at my watch, and could see without looking that she was going to be here any moment. I twisted the knobs and made sure everything was in check. The paint had dried last night, and I was astonished at the way it turned out.

I had grime, and looked like my hands and chest were quite mordant. I was a little distinguished at my muscles bulging in creases I did not see before. I felt maybe confident, standing here with a screw driver in one hand. I could not wait to see here expression as she got back. She had been waiting for this to be done for so long. Well..about as long as I been around her.

I heard the clusters of gravel and dirt kick up as she neared the driveway and scorched grass, being dampened by the light lingers of rain.

" Samantha!" My voice seemed a bit on the dry side. Probably because I forgot to drink anything all day, been so busy working on getting this thing fixed. I now felt my stomach talk, as I thought about what I ate today as well. Nothing.

She climbed out, without even taking here eyes off the train of her thoughts. She was in a daze it seemed. " Hey you, I got a surprise for you." She looked at me with a straight glance, and then she lost her train of thoughts, and smiled a big gleam towards my face. Her big brown black ivory eyes stared at me wide enough to hug me. Her balance was leaning towards me now, and she captured her hands, clutching within mine.

" What is it? You know I am a sucker for surprises." With here dark tight leather vest, and her hip hugger black jeans, she seemed so innocent with her sweet voice swaying in my ears. Her impression was far from innocent, but her heart inside, was like a lilac and a rose making an offspring. She was far beyond any woman imaginable.

I caressed her inside my arms, she always loved when I would flex slightly around my hold. Samantha was a girl that knew how to get herself around in life. She did not need anyone, and she knew how to find ways to survive the way she wanted to survive. I knew that she felt safe in my arms, but I also knew she had enough back bone to just force me off of her. She was not a little prissy girl. She was a woman, with ambitions.

I leaned towards her soft long fatal hair. I agitated it behind her silver earring, and whispered loudly to tell her to follow me. I told her to follow me to the garage.

She looked up with her left eyebrow facing towards my chin, and the other towards her cheek. She was a little confused. " Don't worry, it's nothing that will make you mad at me." I said it with enough convincing notes, that she clutched my hand tighter, and as I dragged her to the garage, she ended up dragging me. I smiled at her over willingness to find out what it was.

When we got near to the scratched wood barks and paint pealing off the right side of the garage. I told her to stop, and let me take it out. I could tell her mind was racing with to many thoughts. She hated to think, she liked it when she knew and could predict.

I let go over her hand gently, and briskly went off to the side of the garage. The rain was dying down, and the pine and red brook was freshly being scented through the air. I grabbed the tarp over it, and let it fall to the puddles beside it.

I clutched the handle bars, and reeled it out to her. Kicking the stand at the last moment.

" No you didn't!" Her eyes were like ovals, and I almost could make out a button popping out of her blouse, or maybe it was just her heart popping out. She was so surprised, that she forgot what she was going to say next.

" It's...it's...gorgeous!" She stuttered her words to make out what her excuse was to thank me. I did not need to be thanked though. I would do this for her, even if I never knew her.

The bike shimmered shadow blue and violet, and I moved it to her scoping. She could not view it more steadily, then what she was at this very moment. I gave her a few minutes to capture her imagery, and then she jumped up, and ran aside the fully finished Yamaha. She then praised her body, wrapping it over my muscles as tight as she could. I almost felt like it was to tight, feeling her strength reach it's peak around her hold.

" I thought you would like it." My voice ran into a chuckle, as she smiled over my shoulder blade.

" I love it Nate."

She let go of her hold, and balanced out to the bike. She looked at it over and over, and then stared back at me with a hurtful smile. " Can I take it out? Is it good to go?" She sounded like a purring kitten, brushing up the side of your leg, wanting something in return for her sweet remarks. I of course wanted her more then ever to try it out. After all, I got it to the condition it is, for her.

" Of course Sam." As I pressured her hips slightly to the bikes seat. She climbed on with one swift movement, and straddled her long legs over the sides. Her hands stretching over the black interiors of the handles. " Alright I am going to start it up." The drill, as she pressed against the gas..was like a fire over a brush of wild strayed grass. It slowly engulped with a startling roar. " I like that, it sounds perfect. I can't believe you got it working so smoothly." Her voice was a rush of excitement and adrenalin slithered over her tongue. " Why don't you really see if it runs perfect. Take it out on a test run." I let her see in my eyes, that it was not going to fail on her. Promising her with just a quick glance. She tightened her grip around the bars, and signaled her hair out over her back, and off she went. The dirt and collapsing puddles flooding over the back of her tires, and hair flowing in the fresh wind. I smiled as she took off, feeling her hearts pounding of excitement in my own.

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The fleeting of night fall grew over the windows frame, but in my mind, It was still day. I had worked two days on that bike, without a minute to spare. And I am not even tired. It may be because she is under my arms, and her scent smells like vanilla and dandelions. Piercing my nose with an aroma of sweetness. Waking up my senses. Her breathing was quiet, and happy. I could tell she was tranquil to be with me and have her bike finally restored for her.

I was also a bit wary though, wondering how tomorrow would turn out to be. Now that she had her bike, there was not stopping her from accomplishing her plans. My heart was beating not fast but slower, as I was contemplating on how to handle it when the time came. When tomorrow came. I did not want to let go of her now. I did not want this moment with her laying effortlessly in my arms to go away. I was only forced to think, that this darkness, would turn to light soon. And then the struggle to find how to get enough courage to do what I was set out to do, be even that more difficult in my mind.

The thing I was fighting off the whole two months being with her...is falling for her. Fighting the will to love her. The fight was getting to overbearing to outlast anymore. Her smile in her sleep was angelic as I studied it. I almost felt tears rush over my face, as I looked at her.

I hated this. I hated being like this. "Samantha," I whispered to myself. "Why did you do this to me. This was not suppose to happen."

The night grew over my lids. And all I could interpret, was the last lingered thoughts and the scent of vanilla, and the chronological sequence of pellets..slenderising down the window frame.

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" Sam maybe we should wait till next week, or next month to do this?" I was being frantic with my word choice, wanting ever so badly for her to give in, and just wait a little while longer. Or maybe not even do it.

Her hair was flinging in her face, as she quickly pulled it back in a fast knot over her head. Her eyes were now in my focus, as she singed them like a song over the bags she was packing. Actually one single bag. One single big black bag.

She did not notice my expression on my face I was giving, as she gathered her supplies. Her benighted clothing, every single one of her possessions she was packing were pitch black.

I kept hearing the track of zips, as she packed and unpacked things to there rightful place in the bag. And finally she reached under the bed frame, and placed a cold light black fatal metal in the bag. My heart skipped twenty beats at once, and I got up to reach to her.

" Hey, do you really want to do this?" My face was falling off its skin, and my mind was sliding out of my hands, as I wrapped her in my arms as always. I sniffed her scent really deep as I spoke with agitated stutters. Her smell was the same, but more drastic, more allusive. It was almost painful to smell her. I knew it might be gone later today...for good.

She leaned her head around to have her eyes breathe in my existence. " Yes.. I told you before you met me, this is what you were getting into." Her eyes placed me in a sphere, where I could only see her dark bloody silk gaze seethe me down, and make me drown in her beauty as she spoke softly and confidently. This was what she wanted, and she did tell me up front when I met her. When I easily fell in love with her. I also think this is one of the reasons why I fell in love with her. I fell in love with the fear in her eyes, that she did not have. She feared absolutely nothing. This was hard for me to conceive of a woman to have. But Samantha had it.

I just did not want her to make the mistake, and have myself conclude that mistake for her.

The moment she tilted her head and spoke to me, she tightened her fist around and pushed me back. Her eyes were of a tyrant in soft fury. " Either you go with me, or you stay. But I am leaving in five, so don't leave a trail." Her mind was now back on the bag, and the door. Her voice raised by the end of her sentence. Then she spoke again, making the loud eruption hither down to a feathered adornment, " I love you Nate..I would really wish you would be my partner in this. If you feel differently, then so be it. Just don't bring me down with you."

She then dropped her bag that was already in her hands, and fell to my arms one last time. This time she looked up high and deep in my face. As she searched for any disagreement. Then she took her smooth white satin cold hands, and placed them around my chest, feeling my backs inner crevice. She lifted her feet and textured face up to mine, and closed her darkened eyes to aniline her lips with mine. I leaned more closer in a fast motion, and sunk my lips and taste buds inside so passionately and erotically. For the last placed moments I could. I hardened my softness inside a fury in her mouth. Sucking all the love and searching for all the sweetness of her lost lips as much as I could. Then she gracefully parted, and crowded away form me as fast as her lips came.

I could feel my hands shaking as I knew she was now ready to leave. I did not even know what my last thoughts were before I kissed her, but I felt my feet moving to follow her. If this was going to happen, I had to be with her. It was my job.

" I am coming." I said it under my mouth, but I was sure she heard it. I did, and the moment I said it, we were off on the bike together. Following her desired destination, in the glacial winds passing in a accelerated motion. With the fires of the engine roaring out my thoughts, for the briefness I could adhere.

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The blood was rushing to fast to my brain, that I no longer could see my vision ahead. I could only see her park behind the building. I could only feel her hands take off my back. And feel the wet dampness of my head again. I turned to face her, as she was whisper yelling to me.

" Nate get off, and get your gear on. Please..now!" Her face was flustered with distraction for me and what she was putting over her face. She was getting frustrated at my slow pace. I got off the bike, and kicked the brake. I traced my view on the dead puddles, as the pellets would deplete the silence every time it touched them on the immortal street.

" Alright.." I robotically took the mask, and placed it over. The wet dampness flooding inside the cloth. It did not smell as good as the vanilla that still radiated from her closeness to me. It smelled like wet dog, and warped wood, mixed in with my hair.

The rest of the channeling she was doing to me, did not configure fast enough. I had to stay focused, but I was to desperate to leave to focus on her grabbing the hard metal. Her unlatching it. Me following her testily towards the entrance in a pressured rush.

As soon as we got into the building, with my clutch to the black bag on my side. The voice of her blacked out. The voices around seemed to ignite to be loud as she first entered in, but I could not tell. Not even the vastness of the tall walls and the deep cut ceilings could not echo the screams back in my ears. I heard nothing. I could only see the haze of Samantha as she was in another state of mind.

Her mouth loud under her mask, and the screams over her spoken words, died down as soon as she spoke. The man she was interested in, placed all her desires inside the bag. As she pointed the metal ever so stricken at his face. The other small metal was in her other hand as she pointed it to the screamers.

The moment we entered in the building, I felt us heading out. I never even knew that we were in it in the first place. It all seemed like a distant blur. A memory that never existed, but yet so vivid in its own way.

I looked back at the building as we lunged ourselves on the bike as fast as we could. Samantha was screaming at herself in adrenalin that she did it. I was still in shock that we even accomplished or entered inside.

Her face looked so happy though, so full of life and color. I felt a smile smirk upon my face after four hours of feeling like I was dead inside. I knew it was going to go away in maybe an hour, but I felt happy right along with her. I felt her victory right along with her.

That's what her smile did to me. Even in the blizzard of paranoia and storms of rain blistering on our faces.

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" I can't believe we did it..I mean look at all this!"

Her emotions and face as she spoke were just as ecstatic and exited as her voice. She could not keep her eyes off of me and the bag full of her possessions. I could feel her happiness radiate to me, but as I felt it sink in my skin, I could only feel the sadness that I was about to do soon.

I smiled with her, and took her in my hold. I carried her across the dirty hotel floor. I laid her on the neatly made bed. It smelled like cheap detergent, and beer. It did not create a distraction though, not from her strong scent beneath me.

I took her upon me across the bedding, and created a hole of comfort in my arms for her. She did not need any comfort from me, from the way she was feeling right now. But I felt she would need it later, when she would not want it from me anymore. I needed it from her, when I could not get it from her anymore. I would miss it.

I was brushing my thumb over her cheek, over and over. I was addicted to her soft pale skin on my tan skin. I liked to feel it shedding under my hands. I felt her grin under my hold. I could not bare to smile anymore though. I felt like I was creating a dead casket for myself, as I dug my own grave watch time I grazed her face.

" Samantha..."

" Yes.." Her voice was so relaxed and the most soft I ever heard it before. I did not want to rupture that, but I had to. I had to be brave and tell her now.

" Sam.. I have to ask you to leave the money here." My voice was stern, and she could tell I was not joking. But still she left a confusing and maddened reply.

" What are you talking about Nate. There is no way I am going to do that. You must be out of your mind." She pushed away from me on the bed, and picked herself up to stand against the bed near the bag. Her face was confused and mad.

" You have to Sam... You see."

I grabbed what I had in my back pocket, a gold plated metal. Not at all lethal. She took one moment to herself, and then quickly grabbed the bag. She started to cry, and curse.

" How could you Nate! I thought you were something else. You are a liar.. and a cheat! Fuck you! I am leaving and I don't care what you do to me."

I jumped up from the bed with enough force and power to grab her as soon as she spoke. She was jittering and trying to bite me, kicking me away. Pushing with all the force she had in her. But my arms did not budge around her. Even though she was strong, I was stronger. I felt her pain in me. It made me start to cry with her. She felt one of my tears fall on her arm, and she stopped her moving. She looked at my face, and then I felt all my streanght fade within her vision to me. Her eyes were scared, and her lips were quivering. It made me melt into anguish to see such happines she had before, drown with the person she trusted. She loved.

I then took her forearms, and held them gently but tightly. And as I did so..she fell into my chest. I felt her quivers find her all through her body. I held her softly.

I took her off of my chest and looked at her in her brown teary eyes. I picked up her chin, and told her to leave.

" Leave now Samantha. Take the money. But you have to do one thing for me in order to make it work."

She gazed her tears away, and sniffeled her posture back up. I told her what she had to do, and she started to cry again. But I told her, it was the only way she would make it out of this. So she tufted her feet up to kiss me one last time. And nodded, desperatly to get it over with.

" I love you Nate."

"I love you to Sam."

She came back in the room with the knotted four way rope..and I sat doen in the chair in the middle of the room. She tied it enough to make the veins in my arms stick out under it. Then she wrapped a cloth that she ripped off the bedding in a strip. She tied it around my mouth and head. Then she came closer and kissed me on my head. She barreled back to the black bag full of her posessions. She grabbled the metal crobar. And took it with one hand behind her back, and lifted ot slightly to her side, forcing it over to me. Making the pain that I felt for her, twine in with the pain of the skin pealing off at the new injury. The blood was tasted from my head to my mouth. And I tried to regain my vision, but all I could see was her getting ready to strike again. As she did, I felt only bitter cold and bitter taste die with black shades filling my body. And the footsteps and door closing in the distance of my mind.

She was gone, but she was safe now. Safe from me, and safe from them.

All I could smell was the cold dark room, and the sour smell of my blood. No more silk vanilla to wake up my senses. Just the lonely sirens that were coming for me.

For her.

They will not find her now, only I will know what really happened. It will be my burden to carry. Because I love her, I love a convict named Samantha Delia. She is a convict that took my status as an officer. That took my status in my heart.

I will not see her again, I am sure. I just know, I have no doubt in my mind this was the wrong thing to do, but yet the right thing to do for love.

aborning illumine

I felt myself going.

I felt no more pain, and no more stabbing pounds of anguish. It was how I wanted it to be, just me and him. I could not ask for a better way to spend my last minutes.
I don't know why I always thought leaving and ending, was so hard. But as I lay here and see his face fade, I feel free from everything for once. I feel like something has took me to a place where I could see happiness everyday. And their will be no more sad stories for me.

Just his voice carrying me away in his hold.


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The clouds were to high up that it was hard to tell if it was going to be a draught day or just a slight sunny day. I told him to come today. I know I have not seen him since high school, not that I even was friends with him then.

The footsteps echoed off the big marble walls of the mall. I was walking with my plain jean skirt, and white sling on tank. I felt like I had a distinguished stomach arousal. It was rumbling to far for me to know if I was nervous or just hungry.

I waited for him between a big post of the new upcoming movie. I was probably drifting to the scenery it had in the background of the poster board. It had dark spheres, making me drift farther into the poster then meant. I was really just thinking on how this was going to turn out. How would I be when I would see him. I sure could tell I could not keep my balance on the edge of this stepping stone in front, as I walked outside to search for him. I wondered if he would look different from my vague memory of his soft features. All I could remember was he was a bit on the bulky side. He had fuller features, but I have always known him as a quiet guy. Probably why I did not talk to him much in school.

The clouds seem to be closing in on the sparks of light separating above. I could feel the last line of sun hit my face, as it suddenly got darker. Making it soon to believe it was going to get colder.

When the cherished of the first winds picked up, I looked up from my unbalance, seeing pure sidewalk glide in the fading sun. It made a hill down to the parking lot. Forming to squint if anyone were to walk over.

I made my eyes smother small, but then they suddenly got wide. I saw him...he was tall, brown short hair, thin and medium build in his tone. He almost had the same complexion as me, pale and sweet, with a touch of cherry in his cheeks. He was down right gorgeous and stunning. I really erased that image I had of him before, and it was over rided by something so magnificent.

As soon as I got close enough to hear his voice and make a perfect picture of his structure and face. He leaned in and gave me a big hold. He smelled like a fresh shower with to much cologne. You know when a guy likes you, when he puts on so much cologne that it stings your nose. I liked it though. It was a different scent that I had not smelled on past guys in my life. It was warm and inviting.

He pulled me apart a bit to make a clear picture of how I looked now.

I felt looking at how handsome he was, and how sweet his gestural hug was- I needed to kiss him.

I know that it is not the best thing to do on your first date. I just could not help myself. His sweet textured lips were so soft as he spoke my name. His voice was more deep and luring then on the phone. I just could not help myself.

As I leaned in to kiss him, with my heals high off the ground. Trying to reach high enough to his height. I felt our lips touch and as soon as it did, I felt his grin rise above his face. He was then laughing. Chuckling like a little boy. I took my lips off his in wonder, and saw his face glowing under the dark clouds. He laughed his words in amusement, " You are just to cute!"

I smiled and felt my cheeks get hot red.

I could see his eyes wonder off to the building next to us, and the big poster boards inside. His voice took on a steady tone this time, " Movie...?"

I let my hands go off his back, as his slid off and leaned over my hips. He kept his focus on the building and started to hold my hands, as he inched me farther to the buildings doorway.

I excitedly rose my voice up in surprise to his excitement, " Of course! But I wish we would watch another movie. I am not so into action." His eyes locked onto my expressions that was building in sarcastic disgust. " We are watching the movie I want, because I drove all the way out here to see you. Okay. " He smiled as he knew I could not resist his hands on my waist again. Especially him being here, made me feel butterfly's I once felt when I was in elementary school.

" Fine." I told him in a regretful happiness.

After the movie, we went to walk past the marbles of the building, to the vender's and different shopping stores in the mall, that extended outward after the theaters dome.

His hands were still locked on my waist, as we tried to walk in line together. It was like we were one year olds just learning how to walk. We were stumbling over our feet and everything. And not to mention, we kept on kissing where ever there was a silent space we could be alone. It was happy ridiculous. We looked like two clowns on our first date.

When we were done getting acquainted again. Time was passing faster then it usually does. I am usually pondering for things to do. But with him we were kept on our feet with desires for each other.

When our date started to combine to the deep darkness of the day. We decided to drive around, just as reckless as us walking. He could not even get out of the car to get gas- I had to. He was just to easily aroused by my smile. I found that quite funny. He was even blushing at the fact that he was.

When we got to a parking lot full of sparse cars, and covered over big oak trees. We talked a little, about when we would see each other again. When would be a good time in our busy schedules and far distances to find each other again. We both knew if we were to get any farther then friends, it was going to be incredibly difficult. I don't think that entered in our naive minds yet. We were head over heals in lust for each other. He even told me he had a crush on me since middle school. What a surprise that was. This was a dream come true to him. I smiled inside, to think that someone had a crush on me, right under my eyes this whole time. And not once did I suspect anything.

As we soak close, lip to breath. Outside was at least forty below. And his windows were down a crack to let in some air. He had no air conditioning or heating. The car was freezing, but being close as I was to him. It was the hottest it has been in a long time. He was cradling my hands in his lap, between the clutch and the arm wrest.

He came closer to me as I spoke his name. And kissed me so intimately. I felt him slowly lunge his lips below mine, and soften his touch as he sunk his tongue in my quivering mouth. Circling softly in rounding motions. And his hands were no longer on my hands, but on my blouse. He was so gentle with me. So gentle as he lifted me over him. So gentle as he helped me see his eyes in the dark. As he helped me create images of his face kissing me as I closed them. So gentle with his pure wine voice helping me find my spots that had not been touch in such softness, in a long time. It felt like something I never felt before. It was love, or a something that would come of. His body and mine glimmered off of the fogged windows we were making, as the moon slightly grazed through the branches and through the blurred windows upon our bodies movements.

The night grew deeper, and our breathing settled down. It was time for us to separate and see each other in promise. As soon as we could. Since it was equal in our minds, that we never felt such passion in a car ever- in both of our lives. So much to relate to.

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My friend took me in his car to go down and see him. I was worried that if he took his car to see me, it would end up breaking down again like the many times before. I did not want him to risk his life on seeing me. So I had to find a ride, considering I did not have my license yet.

When I got to his house about two cities away on the freeway. Listening to rap music on my friends radio. Not one of my favorites. I came to his door in surprise of him answering it so quickly. Already ready and up for me. His smile was over his cheek bones. And his white long sleeve shirt, was tight enough for me to see his mascular build he had been working on. It was just heart bearing. Made me crave him even more, besides that he was so humble about everything he referred to. He was quite different then the rest. Always courteous to so many people he did not even know.

It was near Christmas time. So we exchanged gifts as soon as I walked in, and he gleamed over his hand made decorated Christmas tree. Looking like a little boy again, happy that Santa got everything he wanted. I remember it was not so much the gifts that we were happy about, then ourselves being with each other. He mentioned he never had a girlfriend over on Christmas. I told him there was always a first time for everything, as we held each other under his also hand made missile toe.

We laid on his creaky futon bed in his plastered postered room, full of heavy metal bands...that I never heard of. Except the spider man poster. He was a typical white boy. So into his music and hair. Yeah..he was conceited a bit to, but in the funny way. It was like he knew it, to the point that people were asking if he liked guys. I thought that was hilarious.

I could not take my eyes off him, as the darkness of the room made it easier to feel relaxed with our beats together. Being nude with someone usually frightened me, but with him I felt like just another girl, that was everything to him though. Like he could care less what I looked like, as long as I could be with him. But I also had it in my mind, that he thought I was beautiful to.

Always commenting me on my dark and light features. Calling me "His Snow White."

I really did not know how long this adornment he was giving me would last, considering we would only see each other maybe four days out of the month. It felt enough at the moment though. Just as long as we had our love for each other, it meant everything.

Everything to me.

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It was the end of May. We were both so busy with our lives. Him working as a manager, and I working full time. As well as taking care of our everyday problems. My family in constant stress over bills un paid. Me finding a tuition for college. Getting the paperwork out for family issues every coming month.

I could tell he knew something was going on between us. We must have seen each other once this month. We were barely talking on the phone, always busy on other things. It was heart breaking to know that this...this that we discussed before we became a couple...was happening.

It was going to be our eight month anniversary of being together, ever since my divorce with my ex husband. I knew in my heart that this was not the right thing to do after going though a heart break before. But I knew in his hazel eyes, between my hazel eyes. And his pale skin, on my pale skin. We were more then just lovers. We were soul mates. I had found the one that was for me. It was just so obvious to people and ourselves. It was like screaming at us. We were what god created..another Adam and Eve.

We never once got into fights. Never once argued. But yet something was happening. We were drifting like a river. Yet still the locks in our hearts would not be unlatched.

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" Hey Babe." He spoke as sweet as ever. Letting me know in his tone of voice that he loved me.

" Hey love." My voice sounded like it was cracking. I knew something was happening. And something was going to happen as we spoke on the phone this time.

" Can I ask you a question?" His voice was lower, almost cracking as much as mine was now.

" Yeah, of course." My heart was breaking in that response. I did not want him to ask me anything. I just wanted to hear that he loved me.

" What are we? I don't know how healthy this is. We never really see each other. We never really speak to much anymore. And honestly, its hurting me. It's emotionally hurting me. Because I love you more then anything. I love you like air itself. But...."

I interrupted him desperately to enlighten him in my thoughts. I could tell my voice started to sound weary and sad, " Please baby... I can't loose you now. I need you in my life. I have nothing else to give me the pull to strive like you do. Who is so alike to me. Who talks to me the way you do. Please don't do.."

He also interrupted me, his voice was stern and more mournful this time around, " I cant. It jut hurts to much. I knew you told me in the beginning that this was going to happen, so I apologize. But I just want to be alone. I want you as my friend. Please stay my friend. I would be more then happy if you were to do that for me. I can understand if you don't though."

My heart was plummeting so far down in my chest, I don't even think I could feel my hands or feet. I experienced this before with past loves, but not with such great intensity as this. It was like my sanity was being taken away. My being was being taken away.

" I'll let you go okay. Call me when you feel stable enough to talk. You will feel better, I promise. And maybe someday we will be together babe. Just not now. It can't happen at this point in our lives. We are just way to busy."

Click.

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It had been three days, till I decided to go see him. I was very emotionally unstable still. Feeling like I could not eat. I could not sleep. My stomach felt no hunger for food, only emptiness that was longing not food to fill it, but happiness.

I decided to see him, because I excepted that I was going to be friends with him. No matter how hard it would be. I just could not lose him completely out of my life. I needed to see him, to see if I felt he would be okay as a friend for me. To see if it was going to be awkward.

I took the train and off I went.

...................................................................................................................................................

When I arrived, it was just as awkward as I expected it to be. We did not hug each other as he greeted me in to his car. When we came to his apartment. We only said a few words about the weather and what not. Nothing much of a happy conversation. I almost felt like a part of me wanted to leave. Not leave him, but leave how sad this was.

When we were alone in his room. He offered to put on a movie. I nudged in approval. Not really wanting a movie, but really just wanting to talk to him. To see an honest smile. And for everything to just go back to the way it was before.

We laid there again, on his creaky bed. He had a new room though this time. He moved from a house to apartment. It was much more roomy and clean then his other room. Made it seem to open and uncomfortable though.

" You okay? He asked in a worried tone. My head was leaning to his closed blinds. I was definitely and more then sure, I was not okay. But I could not let him know that. I had to be strong. I hated pity.

" Yep, perfect!" I said it in a height pitch tone, loud enough so he could not hear that I was just so desperate for him to say everything was okay. And to hold me in his arms again, and let me know I was the only one he would ever love.

In between the movie, we were in diagonal ways across the bed. Not really looking at each other at all. It was getting really awkward. Because all I could think about, was turning around and just falling in his arms. I could not do that though. Not now, not ever. Had to stay strong.

" Do you even like this movie. It is boring." I proclaimed in my sanity. I had enough of movies and wanted to watch something else, or do something else. I was going crazy laying next to him so close. But yet so far.

" Yeah I do. Just watch it, it's getting to the good part." I sighed and sat back around to focus on the mummbling of the people in the box. I was totally pre occupied by other thoughts frantically running through my mind.

I decided to beg he change the movie to something else. I turned around, and his head was sinking in the pillow wrapped under his head, and he was falling asleep.

" Hey! I am not watching this boring movie on my own. Change it please. Or I am going to get mad." My voice was being as polite and agumentivelly sarcastic as possible.

" Huh.." His eyes opened to my dangered voice clearing near his face. " Then get mad!" He laughed.

So I came closer to him, and tickled him. He is so ticklish. And so was I. He tickled me till he was on top of me, with my face on the pillow he was laying on before. As red as a tomato.

As we both settled down, and laid on the bed looking up at the ceiling. We gave our focus back to the tv again. Then my phone went off. It was my friend wanting to come over and spend some time, since I was in town. I told her I needed some girl down time. But at this moment, I sort of didn't.

When I was done talking to her on the phone. I felt him staring at me the whole time. I came back over to my place on his bed. And I tried to tickle him again, but as I was, the movement of our hands stopped. I kissed him. His face was lined up with mine, and my heart instincted itself.

We kissed with the most soft passion we ever had. Then as we stopped, and I realized I could not do anything with him. That it will hurt to do anything with him. That I would be setting myself up for heart break again.

I didn't. Even as he wanted to badly as well as I.

I didn't.

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We spent most of the day with my friend. And when we got back, we decided to just hang out at the mall. Take booth photos. And just hang out like friends are suppost to. We never once held hands. That hurt inside of me more then anything.

When the night cleared long. We decided we were both so stressed. And we both needed some kind of pain releiver. He knew a drug dealer. And I cetainly never was into weed or drugs of any kind. But if I were ever to try a joint. This would be a perfect time. He was experianced. He could show me how.

When we were going to smoke it, the clouds of heavy eccentricity filled inside the crevice of his closet. Filling my lungs with the biggest burning sensations. I felt nothing a first. But then I felt relaxed, and wanted more then ever to be held by him. To be touched and loved by him.

I took most of the joint, even though I am a beginner. I chose to take most of it. I thought the more I took, the more relaxed I would feel. I was wrong.

.........................................................................................................................................

As we were making our movemtnts and collisions of our bliss together on his soft velevet bed. I felt like the room was moving, and his body was moving with it. It felt incrdible.

Music was playing loudly, soft rock. It was my cd he put in. And I knew as I was facing the other way from him. Leaning over, and feeling all the pleasures ever wanted. The song came on, the emotions came on. The song I would listen as I would cry to myself at home, thinking of him alone. And I coud not hold it in any longer. I sulked and drowned myself in tears.

I felt overhwhelmed with tears. Not only was I letting out my feelings of us leaving each other, but of all the pain I have suffered in my life. It was all coming back to me. When my ex cheated on me. How every guy has broken it off with me. How stressing it was being a mom. How stressing it was of having so many count on you for help. And not having time to even breathe.

As I was crying, with him holding me. My body kneeling into my ribs, shaking. I could hear his voice telling me he loved me more then anything. But as I was hearing his voice, everything..all the pain..it was fading away.

I could still see him over my body, holding me, telling me to not go to sleep. I was really confused, because I felt the most awake then ever. But his hands were at my chest, over and over. His ears to my heart. Telling me, as I comprehended a whisper. " Breathe please! Please Breathe!" His voice was now just his lips moving. I could see the room get, all of sudden, very bright. I did not know I was not breathing. I just could feel nothing. Nothing at all. I was even smiling.

The pain was no longer there. He kept on pushing me into the bed, with his hands over my chest. Tellling me not yet. That I could not leave. I did not know what he was talking about. I felt completely fine.

Seeing his face, and then feeling okay. I felt like all my problems were finally being dissolved. I could see my kids in his face, and my mom telling me she loved me. I could see when I was seven and my dad took me to Santa Cruz for the first time. I could feel all the happy times in my life, collide together. Every moment anf everything that ever made me happy. Was right there with me.

His voice was now distant. I now could feel damp wet tears fall from his face. I tried to reach to hold him, but he was holding me so tightely, and my hands would not move. I spoke to him. " I love you." But he did not hear me. He still hald me. Then I could see the room get brighter then it alrwdy was. I felt what he had told me. My heart was numb, It wasn't beating anymore.

And even though, I had a feeling on what was happening. I did not stop it. I wanted it. I wanted it more then anything. So I let it have me. I whispered my last thought, thinking I spoke.

" Good bye... I will always love you."

The music faded out with every touch and voice, his hands now frantically over my chest. I could not feel him anymore. I could only feel the warm light take me.

I was finally happy.

I felt my hand finally move, and it took me.

Nothing was felt, every saddness ever before felt was gone.

In the love of his arms.

I saw the light.

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Dying was not as hard as I thought it would be. As long as my last minutes were spent with him.

It was easy to leave.

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"My True story."