Adoration Conviction

My head is still spinning, but I can still keep steady thoughts. All I can make out, and know if I open my eyes. I will only see a disconsolate capacious room, with me tied like a fool.

I knew that this would happen, but I think I never really gave it much thought before. I never knew I would fall for her this hard. And with my now crumpled up heart- she deformed so well. I am awaiting not for her, but for an answer as to when I will see her again.

I know in the knowledge that a grown man can consume over the years, I will not see her again. That is why I keep my eyes closed. Hoping maybe if they are closed long enough, my life will just fade along with her.

I don't taste the bitterness of my bodily fluids rising in my mouth. I taste the bitterness of this hurt and anguish I seem to feel, as she left me here. I feel no pain, only my heart does.

" He's in here..!"

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The air was stagnate as the cool rush of the water drizzles were hitting the back of my head. I looked at my watch, and could see without looking that she was going to be here any moment. I twisted the knobs and made sure everything was in check. The paint had dried last night, and I was astonished at the way it turned out.

I had grime, and looked like my hands and chest were quite mordant. I was a little distinguished at my muscles bulging in creases I did not see before. I felt maybe confident, standing here with a screw driver in one hand. I could not wait to see here expression as she got back. She had been waiting for this to be done for so long. Well..about as long as I been around her.

I heard the clusters of gravel and dirt kick up as she neared the driveway and scorched grass, being dampened by the light lingers of rain.

" Samantha!" My voice seemed a bit on the dry side. Probably because I forgot to drink anything all day, been so busy working on getting this thing fixed. I now felt my stomach talk, as I thought about what I ate today as well. Nothing.

She climbed out, without even taking here eyes off the train of her thoughts. She was in a daze it seemed. " Hey you, I got a surprise for you." She looked at me with a straight glance, and then she lost her train of thoughts, and smiled a big gleam towards my face. Her big brown black ivory eyes stared at me wide enough to hug me. Her balance was leaning towards me now, and she captured her hands, clutching within mine.

" What is it? You know I am a sucker for surprises." With here dark tight leather vest, and her hip hugger black jeans, she seemed so innocent with her sweet voice swaying in my ears. Her impression was far from innocent, but her heart inside, was like a lilac and a rose making an offspring. She was far beyond any woman imaginable.

I caressed her inside my arms, she always loved when I would flex slightly around my hold. Samantha was a girl that knew how to get herself around in life. She did not need anyone, and she knew how to find ways to survive the way she wanted to survive. I knew that she felt safe in my arms, but I also knew she had enough back bone to just force me off of her. She was not a little prissy girl. She was a woman, with ambitions.

I leaned towards her soft long fatal hair. I agitated it behind her silver earring, and whispered loudly to tell her to follow me. I told her to follow me to the garage.

She looked up with her left eyebrow facing towards my chin, and the other towards her cheek. She was a little confused. " Don't worry, it's nothing that will make you mad at me." I said it with enough convincing notes, that she clutched my hand tighter, and as I dragged her to the garage, she ended up dragging me. I smiled at her over willingness to find out what it was.

When we got near to the scratched wood barks and paint pealing off the right side of the garage. I told her to stop, and let me take it out. I could tell her mind was racing with to many thoughts. She hated to think, she liked it when she knew and could predict.

I let go over her hand gently, and briskly went off to the side of the garage. The rain was dying down, and the pine and red brook was freshly being scented through the air. I grabbed the tarp over it, and let it fall to the puddles beside it.

I clutched the handle bars, and reeled it out to her. Kicking the stand at the last moment.

" No you didn't!" Her eyes were like ovals, and I almost could make out a button popping out of her blouse, or maybe it was just her heart popping out. She was so surprised, that she forgot what she was going to say next.

" It's...it's...gorgeous!" She stuttered her words to make out what her excuse was to thank me. I did not need to be thanked though. I would do this for her, even if I never knew her.

The bike shimmered shadow blue and violet, and I moved it to her scoping. She could not view it more steadily, then what she was at this very moment. I gave her a few minutes to capture her imagery, and then she jumped up, and ran aside the fully finished Yamaha. She then praised her body, wrapping it over my muscles as tight as she could. I almost felt like it was to tight, feeling her strength reach it's peak around her hold.

" I thought you would like it." My voice ran into a chuckle, as she smiled over my shoulder blade.

" I love it Nate."

She let go of her hold, and balanced out to the bike. She looked at it over and over, and then stared back at me with a hurtful smile. " Can I take it out? Is it good to go?" She sounded like a purring kitten, brushing up the side of your leg, wanting something in return for her sweet remarks. I of course wanted her more then ever to try it out. After all, I got it to the condition it is, for her.

" Of course Sam." As I pressured her hips slightly to the bikes seat. She climbed on with one swift movement, and straddled her long legs over the sides. Her hands stretching over the black interiors of the handles. " Alright I am going to start it up." The drill, as she pressed against the gas..was like a fire over a brush of wild strayed grass. It slowly engulped with a startling roar. " I like that, it sounds perfect. I can't believe you got it working so smoothly." Her voice was a rush of excitement and adrenalin slithered over her tongue. " Why don't you really see if it runs perfect. Take it out on a test run." I let her see in my eyes, that it was not going to fail on her. Promising her with just a quick glance. She tightened her grip around the bars, and signaled her hair out over her back, and off she went. The dirt and collapsing puddles flooding over the back of her tires, and hair flowing in the fresh wind. I smiled as she took off, feeling her hearts pounding of excitement in my own.

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The fleeting of night fall grew over the windows frame, but in my mind, It was still day. I had worked two days on that bike, without a minute to spare. And I am not even tired. It may be because she is under my arms, and her scent smells like vanilla and dandelions. Piercing my nose with an aroma of sweetness. Waking up my senses. Her breathing was quiet, and happy. I could tell she was tranquil to be with me and have her bike finally restored for her.

I was also a bit wary though, wondering how tomorrow would turn out to be. Now that she had her bike, there was not stopping her from accomplishing her plans. My heart was beating not fast but slower, as I was contemplating on how to handle it when the time came. When tomorrow came. I did not want to let go of her now. I did not want this moment with her laying effortlessly in my arms to go away. I was only forced to think, that this darkness, would turn to light soon. And then the struggle to find how to get enough courage to do what I was set out to do, be even that more difficult in my mind.

The thing I was fighting off the whole two months being with her...is falling for her. Fighting the will to love her. The fight was getting to overbearing to outlast anymore. Her smile in her sleep was angelic as I studied it. I almost felt tears rush over my face, as I looked at her.

I hated this. I hated being like this. "Samantha," I whispered to myself. "Why did you do this to me. This was not suppose to happen."

The night grew over my lids. And all I could interpret, was the last lingered thoughts and the scent of vanilla, and the chronological sequence of pellets..slenderising down the window frame.

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" Sam maybe we should wait till next week, or next month to do this?" I was being frantic with my word choice, wanting ever so badly for her to give in, and just wait a little while longer. Or maybe not even do it.

Her hair was flinging in her face, as she quickly pulled it back in a fast knot over her head. Her eyes were now in my focus, as she singed them like a song over the bags she was packing. Actually one single bag. One single big black bag.

She did not notice my expression on my face I was giving, as she gathered her supplies. Her benighted clothing, every single one of her possessions she was packing were pitch black.

I kept hearing the track of zips, as she packed and unpacked things to there rightful place in the bag. And finally she reached under the bed frame, and placed a cold light black fatal metal in the bag. My heart skipped twenty beats at once, and I got up to reach to her.

" Hey, do you really want to do this?" My face was falling off its skin, and my mind was sliding out of my hands, as I wrapped her in my arms as always. I sniffed her scent really deep as I spoke with agitated stutters. Her smell was the same, but more drastic, more allusive. It was almost painful to smell her. I knew it might be gone later today...for good.

She leaned her head around to have her eyes breathe in my existence. " Yes.. I told you before you met me, this is what you were getting into." Her eyes placed me in a sphere, where I could only see her dark bloody silk gaze seethe me down, and make me drown in her beauty as she spoke softly and confidently. This was what she wanted, and she did tell me up front when I met her. When I easily fell in love with her. I also think this is one of the reasons why I fell in love with her. I fell in love with the fear in her eyes, that she did not have. She feared absolutely nothing. This was hard for me to conceive of a woman to have. But Samantha had it.

I just did not want her to make the mistake, and have myself conclude that mistake for her.

The moment she tilted her head and spoke to me, she tightened her fist around and pushed me back. Her eyes were of a tyrant in soft fury. " Either you go with me, or you stay. But I am leaving in five, so don't leave a trail." Her mind was now back on the bag, and the door. Her voice raised by the end of her sentence. Then she spoke again, making the loud eruption hither down to a feathered adornment, " I love you Nate..I would really wish you would be my partner in this. If you feel differently, then so be it. Just don't bring me down with you."

She then dropped her bag that was already in her hands, and fell to my arms one last time. This time she looked up high and deep in my face. As she searched for any disagreement. Then she took her smooth white satin cold hands, and placed them around my chest, feeling my backs inner crevice. She lifted her feet and textured face up to mine, and closed her darkened eyes to aniline her lips with mine. I leaned more closer in a fast motion, and sunk my lips and taste buds inside so passionately and erotically. For the last placed moments I could. I hardened my softness inside a fury in her mouth. Sucking all the love and searching for all the sweetness of her lost lips as much as I could. Then she gracefully parted, and crowded away form me as fast as her lips came.

I could feel my hands shaking as I knew she was now ready to leave. I did not even know what my last thoughts were before I kissed her, but I felt my feet moving to follow her. If this was going to happen, I had to be with her. It was my job.

" I am coming." I said it under my mouth, but I was sure she heard it. I did, and the moment I said it, we were off on the bike together. Following her desired destination, in the glacial winds passing in a accelerated motion. With the fires of the engine roaring out my thoughts, for the briefness I could adhere.

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The blood was rushing to fast to my brain, that I no longer could see my vision ahead. I could only see her park behind the building. I could only feel her hands take off my back. And feel the wet dampness of my head again. I turned to face her, as she was whisper yelling to me.

" Nate get off, and get your gear on. Please..now!" Her face was flustered with distraction for me and what she was putting over her face. She was getting frustrated at my slow pace. I got off the bike, and kicked the brake. I traced my view on the dead puddles, as the pellets would deplete the silence every time it touched them on the immortal street.

" Alright.." I robotically took the mask, and placed it over. The wet dampness flooding inside the cloth. It did not smell as good as the vanilla that still radiated from her closeness to me. It smelled like wet dog, and warped wood, mixed in with my hair.

The rest of the channeling she was doing to me, did not configure fast enough. I had to stay focused, but I was to desperate to leave to focus on her grabbing the hard metal. Her unlatching it. Me following her testily towards the entrance in a pressured rush.

As soon as we got into the building, with my clutch to the black bag on my side. The voice of her blacked out. The voices around seemed to ignite to be loud as she first entered in, but I could not tell. Not even the vastness of the tall walls and the deep cut ceilings could not echo the screams back in my ears. I heard nothing. I could only see the haze of Samantha as she was in another state of mind.

Her mouth loud under her mask, and the screams over her spoken words, died down as soon as she spoke. The man she was interested in, placed all her desires inside the bag. As she pointed the metal ever so stricken at his face. The other small metal was in her other hand as she pointed it to the screamers.

The moment we entered in the building, I felt us heading out. I never even knew that we were in it in the first place. It all seemed like a distant blur. A memory that never existed, but yet so vivid in its own way.

I looked back at the building as we lunged ourselves on the bike as fast as we could. Samantha was screaming at herself in adrenalin that she did it. I was still in shock that we even accomplished or entered inside.

Her face looked so happy though, so full of life and color. I felt a smile smirk upon my face after four hours of feeling like I was dead inside. I knew it was going to go away in maybe an hour, but I felt happy right along with her. I felt her victory right along with her.

That's what her smile did to me. Even in the blizzard of paranoia and storms of rain blistering on our faces.

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" I can't believe we did it..I mean look at all this!"

Her emotions and face as she spoke were just as ecstatic and exited as her voice. She could not keep her eyes off of me and the bag full of her possessions. I could feel her happiness radiate to me, but as I felt it sink in my skin, I could only feel the sadness that I was about to do soon.

I smiled with her, and took her in my hold. I carried her across the dirty hotel floor. I laid her on the neatly made bed. It smelled like cheap detergent, and beer. It did not create a distraction though, not from her strong scent beneath me.

I took her upon me across the bedding, and created a hole of comfort in my arms for her. She did not need any comfort from me, from the way she was feeling right now. But I felt she would need it later, when she would not want it from me anymore. I needed it from her, when I could not get it from her anymore. I would miss it.

I was brushing my thumb over her cheek, over and over. I was addicted to her soft pale skin on my tan skin. I liked to feel it shedding under my hands. I felt her grin under my hold. I could not bare to smile anymore though. I felt like I was creating a dead casket for myself, as I dug my own grave watch time I grazed her face.

" Samantha..."

" Yes.." Her voice was so relaxed and the most soft I ever heard it before. I did not want to rupture that, but I had to. I had to be brave and tell her now.

" Sam.. I have to ask you to leave the money here." My voice was stern, and she could tell I was not joking. But still she left a confusing and maddened reply.

" What are you talking about Nate. There is no way I am going to do that. You must be out of your mind." She pushed away from me on the bed, and picked herself up to stand against the bed near the bag. Her face was confused and mad.

" You have to Sam... You see."

I grabbed what I had in my back pocket, a gold plated metal. Not at all lethal. She took one moment to herself, and then quickly grabbed the bag. She started to cry, and curse.

" How could you Nate! I thought you were something else. You are a liar.. and a cheat! Fuck you! I am leaving and I don't care what you do to me."

I jumped up from the bed with enough force and power to grab her as soon as she spoke. She was jittering and trying to bite me, kicking me away. Pushing with all the force she had in her. But my arms did not budge around her. Even though she was strong, I was stronger. I felt her pain in me. It made me start to cry with her. She felt one of my tears fall on her arm, and she stopped her moving. She looked at my face, and then I felt all my streanght fade within her vision to me. Her eyes were scared, and her lips were quivering. It made me melt into anguish to see such happines she had before, drown with the person she trusted. She loved.

I then took her forearms, and held them gently but tightly. And as I did so..she fell into my chest. I felt her quivers find her all through her body. I held her softly.

I took her off of my chest and looked at her in her brown teary eyes. I picked up her chin, and told her to leave.

" Leave now Samantha. Take the money. But you have to do one thing for me in order to make it work."

She gazed her tears away, and sniffeled her posture back up. I told her what she had to do, and she started to cry again. But I told her, it was the only way she would make it out of this. So she tufted her feet up to kiss me one last time. And nodded, desperatly to get it over with.

" I love you Nate."

"I love you to Sam."

She came back in the room with the knotted four way rope..and I sat doen in the chair in the middle of the room. She tied it enough to make the veins in my arms stick out under it. Then she wrapped a cloth that she ripped off the bedding in a strip. She tied it around my mouth and head. Then she came closer and kissed me on my head. She barreled back to the black bag full of her posessions. She grabbled the metal crobar. And took it with one hand behind her back, and lifted ot slightly to her side, forcing it over to me. Making the pain that I felt for her, twine in with the pain of the skin pealing off at the new injury. The blood was tasted from my head to my mouth. And I tried to regain my vision, but all I could see was her getting ready to strike again. As she did, I felt only bitter cold and bitter taste die with black shades filling my body. And the footsteps and door closing in the distance of my mind.

She was gone, but she was safe now. Safe from me, and safe from them.

All I could smell was the cold dark room, and the sour smell of my blood. No more silk vanilla to wake up my senses. Just the lonely sirens that were coming for me.

For her.

They will not find her now, only I will know what really happened. It will be my burden to carry. Because I love her, I love a convict named Samantha Delia. She is a convict that took my status as an officer. That took my status in my heart.

I will not see her again, I am sure. I just know, I have no doubt in my mind this was the wrong thing to do, but yet the right thing to do for love.

aborning illumine

I felt myself going.

I felt no more pain, and no more stabbing pounds of anguish. It was how I wanted it to be, just me and him. I could not ask for a better way to spend my last minutes.
I don't know why I always thought leaving and ending, was so hard. But as I lay here and see his face fade, I feel free from everything for once. I feel like something has took me to a place where I could see happiness everyday. And their will be no more sad stories for me.

Just his voice carrying me away in his hold.


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The clouds were to high up that it was hard to tell if it was going to be a draught day or just a slight sunny day. I told him to come today. I know I have not seen him since high school, not that I even was friends with him then.

The footsteps echoed off the big marble walls of the mall. I was walking with my plain jean skirt, and white sling on tank. I felt like I had a distinguished stomach arousal. It was rumbling to far for me to know if I was nervous or just hungry.

I waited for him between a big post of the new upcoming movie. I was probably drifting to the scenery it had in the background of the poster board. It had dark spheres, making me drift farther into the poster then meant. I was really just thinking on how this was going to turn out. How would I be when I would see him. I sure could tell I could not keep my balance on the edge of this stepping stone in front, as I walked outside to search for him. I wondered if he would look different from my vague memory of his soft features. All I could remember was he was a bit on the bulky side. He had fuller features, but I have always known him as a quiet guy. Probably why I did not talk to him much in school.

The clouds seem to be closing in on the sparks of light separating above. I could feel the last line of sun hit my face, as it suddenly got darker. Making it soon to believe it was going to get colder.

When the cherished of the first winds picked up, I looked up from my unbalance, seeing pure sidewalk glide in the fading sun. It made a hill down to the parking lot. Forming to squint if anyone were to walk over.

I made my eyes smother small, but then they suddenly got wide. I saw him...he was tall, brown short hair, thin and medium build in his tone. He almost had the same complexion as me, pale and sweet, with a touch of cherry in his cheeks. He was down right gorgeous and stunning. I really erased that image I had of him before, and it was over rided by something so magnificent.

As soon as I got close enough to hear his voice and make a perfect picture of his structure and face. He leaned in and gave me a big hold. He smelled like a fresh shower with to much cologne. You know when a guy likes you, when he puts on so much cologne that it stings your nose. I liked it though. It was a different scent that I had not smelled on past guys in my life. It was warm and inviting.

He pulled me apart a bit to make a clear picture of how I looked now.

I felt looking at how handsome he was, and how sweet his gestural hug was- I needed to kiss him.

I know that it is not the best thing to do on your first date. I just could not help myself. His sweet textured lips were so soft as he spoke my name. His voice was more deep and luring then on the phone. I just could not help myself.

As I leaned in to kiss him, with my heals high off the ground. Trying to reach high enough to his height. I felt our lips touch and as soon as it did, I felt his grin rise above his face. He was then laughing. Chuckling like a little boy. I took my lips off his in wonder, and saw his face glowing under the dark clouds. He laughed his words in amusement, " You are just to cute!"

I smiled and felt my cheeks get hot red.

I could see his eyes wonder off to the building next to us, and the big poster boards inside. His voice took on a steady tone this time, " Movie...?"

I let my hands go off his back, as his slid off and leaned over my hips. He kept his focus on the building and started to hold my hands, as he inched me farther to the buildings doorway.

I excitedly rose my voice up in surprise to his excitement, " Of course! But I wish we would watch another movie. I am not so into action." His eyes locked onto my expressions that was building in sarcastic disgust. " We are watching the movie I want, because I drove all the way out here to see you. Okay. " He smiled as he knew I could not resist his hands on my waist again. Especially him being here, made me feel butterfly's I once felt when I was in elementary school.

" Fine." I told him in a regretful happiness.

After the movie, we went to walk past the marbles of the building, to the vender's and different shopping stores in the mall, that extended outward after the theaters dome.

His hands were still locked on my waist, as we tried to walk in line together. It was like we were one year olds just learning how to walk. We were stumbling over our feet and everything. And not to mention, we kept on kissing where ever there was a silent space we could be alone. It was happy ridiculous. We looked like two clowns on our first date.

When we were done getting acquainted again. Time was passing faster then it usually does. I am usually pondering for things to do. But with him we were kept on our feet with desires for each other.

When our date started to combine to the deep darkness of the day. We decided to drive around, just as reckless as us walking. He could not even get out of the car to get gas- I had to. He was just to easily aroused by my smile. I found that quite funny. He was even blushing at the fact that he was.

When we got to a parking lot full of sparse cars, and covered over big oak trees. We talked a little, about when we would see each other again. When would be a good time in our busy schedules and far distances to find each other again. We both knew if we were to get any farther then friends, it was going to be incredibly difficult. I don't think that entered in our naive minds yet. We were head over heals in lust for each other. He even told me he had a crush on me since middle school. What a surprise that was. This was a dream come true to him. I smiled inside, to think that someone had a crush on me, right under my eyes this whole time. And not once did I suspect anything.

As we soak close, lip to breath. Outside was at least forty below. And his windows were down a crack to let in some air. He had no air conditioning or heating. The car was freezing, but being close as I was to him. It was the hottest it has been in a long time. He was cradling my hands in his lap, between the clutch and the arm wrest.

He came closer to me as I spoke his name. And kissed me so intimately. I felt him slowly lunge his lips below mine, and soften his touch as he sunk his tongue in my quivering mouth. Circling softly in rounding motions. And his hands were no longer on my hands, but on my blouse. He was so gentle with me. So gentle as he lifted me over him. So gentle as he helped me see his eyes in the dark. As he helped me create images of his face kissing me as I closed them. So gentle with his pure wine voice helping me find my spots that had not been touch in such softness, in a long time. It felt like something I never felt before. It was love, or a something that would come of. His body and mine glimmered off of the fogged windows we were making, as the moon slightly grazed through the branches and through the blurred windows upon our bodies movements.

The night grew deeper, and our breathing settled down. It was time for us to separate and see each other in promise. As soon as we could. Since it was equal in our minds, that we never felt such passion in a car ever- in both of our lives. So much to relate to.

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My friend took me in his car to go down and see him. I was worried that if he took his car to see me, it would end up breaking down again like the many times before. I did not want him to risk his life on seeing me. So I had to find a ride, considering I did not have my license yet.

When I got to his house about two cities away on the freeway. Listening to rap music on my friends radio. Not one of my favorites. I came to his door in surprise of him answering it so quickly. Already ready and up for me. His smile was over his cheek bones. And his white long sleeve shirt, was tight enough for me to see his mascular build he had been working on. It was just heart bearing. Made me crave him even more, besides that he was so humble about everything he referred to. He was quite different then the rest. Always courteous to so many people he did not even know.

It was near Christmas time. So we exchanged gifts as soon as I walked in, and he gleamed over his hand made decorated Christmas tree. Looking like a little boy again, happy that Santa got everything he wanted. I remember it was not so much the gifts that we were happy about, then ourselves being with each other. He mentioned he never had a girlfriend over on Christmas. I told him there was always a first time for everything, as we held each other under his also hand made missile toe.

We laid on his creaky futon bed in his plastered postered room, full of heavy metal bands...that I never heard of. Except the spider man poster. He was a typical white boy. So into his music and hair. Yeah..he was conceited a bit to, but in the funny way. It was like he knew it, to the point that people were asking if he liked guys. I thought that was hilarious.

I could not take my eyes off him, as the darkness of the room made it easier to feel relaxed with our beats together. Being nude with someone usually frightened me, but with him I felt like just another girl, that was everything to him though. Like he could care less what I looked like, as long as I could be with him. But I also had it in my mind, that he thought I was beautiful to.

Always commenting me on my dark and light features. Calling me "His Snow White."

I really did not know how long this adornment he was giving me would last, considering we would only see each other maybe four days out of the month. It felt enough at the moment though. Just as long as we had our love for each other, it meant everything.

Everything to me.

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It was the end of May. We were both so busy with our lives. Him working as a manager, and I working full time. As well as taking care of our everyday problems. My family in constant stress over bills un paid. Me finding a tuition for college. Getting the paperwork out for family issues every coming month.

I could tell he knew something was going on between us. We must have seen each other once this month. We were barely talking on the phone, always busy on other things. It was heart breaking to know that this...this that we discussed before we became a couple...was happening.

It was going to be our eight month anniversary of being together, ever since my divorce with my ex husband. I knew in my heart that this was not the right thing to do after going though a heart break before. But I knew in his hazel eyes, between my hazel eyes. And his pale skin, on my pale skin. We were more then just lovers. We were soul mates. I had found the one that was for me. It was just so obvious to people and ourselves. It was like screaming at us. We were what god created..another Adam and Eve.

We never once got into fights. Never once argued. But yet something was happening. We were drifting like a river. Yet still the locks in our hearts would not be unlatched.

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" Hey Babe." He spoke as sweet as ever. Letting me know in his tone of voice that he loved me.

" Hey love." My voice sounded like it was cracking. I knew something was happening. And something was going to happen as we spoke on the phone this time.

" Can I ask you a question?" His voice was lower, almost cracking as much as mine was now.

" Yeah, of course." My heart was breaking in that response. I did not want him to ask me anything. I just wanted to hear that he loved me.

" What are we? I don't know how healthy this is. We never really see each other. We never really speak to much anymore. And honestly, its hurting me. It's emotionally hurting me. Because I love you more then anything. I love you like air itself. But...."

I interrupted him desperately to enlighten him in my thoughts. I could tell my voice started to sound weary and sad, " Please baby... I can't loose you now. I need you in my life. I have nothing else to give me the pull to strive like you do. Who is so alike to me. Who talks to me the way you do. Please don't do.."

He also interrupted me, his voice was stern and more mournful this time around, " I cant. It jut hurts to much. I knew you told me in the beginning that this was going to happen, so I apologize. But I just want to be alone. I want you as my friend. Please stay my friend. I would be more then happy if you were to do that for me. I can understand if you don't though."

My heart was plummeting so far down in my chest, I don't even think I could feel my hands or feet. I experienced this before with past loves, but not with such great intensity as this. It was like my sanity was being taken away. My being was being taken away.

" I'll let you go okay. Call me when you feel stable enough to talk. You will feel better, I promise. And maybe someday we will be together babe. Just not now. It can't happen at this point in our lives. We are just way to busy."

Click.

............................................................................................................................................................

It had been three days, till I decided to go see him. I was very emotionally unstable still. Feeling like I could not eat. I could not sleep. My stomach felt no hunger for food, only emptiness that was longing not food to fill it, but happiness.

I decided to see him, because I excepted that I was going to be friends with him. No matter how hard it would be. I just could not lose him completely out of my life. I needed to see him, to see if I felt he would be okay as a friend for me. To see if it was going to be awkward.

I took the train and off I went.

...................................................................................................................................................

When I arrived, it was just as awkward as I expected it to be. We did not hug each other as he greeted me in to his car. When we came to his apartment. We only said a few words about the weather and what not. Nothing much of a happy conversation. I almost felt like a part of me wanted to leave. Not leave him, but leave how sad this was.

When we were alone in his room. He offered to put on a movie. I nudged in approval. Not really wanting a movie, but really just wanting to talk to him. To see an honest smile. And for everything to just go back to the way it was before.

We laid there again, on his creaky bed. He had a new room though this time. He moved from a house to apartment. It was much more roomy and clean then his other room. Made it seem to open and uncomfortable though.

" You okay? He asked in a worried tone. My head was leaning to his closed blinds. I was definitely and more then sure, I was not okay. But I could not let him know that. I had to be strong. I hated pity.

" Yep, perfect!" I said it in a height pitch tone, loud enough so he could not hear that I was just so desperate for him to say everything was okay. And to hold me in his arms again, and let me know I was the only one he would ever love.

In between the movie, we were in diagonal ways across the bed. Not really looking at each other at all. It was getting really awkward. Because all I could think about, was turning around and just falling in his arms. I could not do that though. Not now, not ever. Had to stay strong.

" Do you even like this movie. It is boring." I proclaimed in my sanity. I had enough of movies and wanted to watch something else, or do something else. I was going crazy laying next to him so close. But yet so far.

" Yeah I do. Just watch it, it's getting to the good part." I sighed and sat back around to focus on the mummbling of the people in the box. I was totally pre occupied by other thoughts frantically running through my mind.

I decided to beg he change the movie to something else. I turned around, and his head was sinking in the pillow wrapped under his head, and he was falling asleep.

" Hey! I am not watching this boring movie on my own. Change it please. Or I am going to get mad." My voice was being as polite and agumentivelly sarcastic as possible.

" Huh.." His eyes opened to my dangered voice clearing near his face. " Then get mad!" He laughed.

So I came closer to him, and tickled him. He is so ticklish. And so was I. He tickled me till he was on top of me, with my face on the pillow he was laying on before. As red as a tomato.

As we both settled down, and laid on the bed looking up at the ceiling. We gave our focus back to the tv again. Then my phone went off. It was my friend wanting to come over and spend some time, since I was in town. I told her I needed some girl down time. But at this moment, I sort of didn't.

When I was done talking to her on the phone. I felt him staring at me the whole time. I came back over to my place on his bed. And I tried to tickle him again, but as I was, the movement of our hands stopped. I kissed him. His face was lined up with mine, and my heart instincted itself.

We kissed with the most soft passion we ever had. Then as we stopped, and I realized I could not do anything with him. That it will hurt to do anything with him. That I would be setting myself up for heart break again.

I didn't. Even as he wanted to badly as well as I.

I didn't.

...........................................................................................................................................................

We spent most of the day with my friend. And when we got back, we decided to just hang out at the mall. Take booth photos. And just hang out like friends are suppost to. We never once held hands. That hurt inside of me more then anything.

When the night cleared long. We decided we were both so stressed. And we both needed some kind of pain releiver. He knew a drug dealer. And I cetainly never was into weed or drugs of any kind. But if I were ever to try a joint. This would be a perfect time. He was experianced. He could show me how.

When we were going to smoke it, the clouds of heavy eccentricity filled inside the crevice of his closet. Filling my lungs with the biggest burning sensations. I felt nothing a first. But then I felt relaxed, and wanted more then ever to be held by him. To be touched and loved by him.

I took most of the joint, even though I am a beginner. I chose to take most of it. I thought the more I took, the more relaxed I would feel. I was wrong.

.........................................................................................................................................

As we were making our movemtnts and collisions of our bliss together on his soft velevet bed. I felt like the room was moving, and his body was moving with it. It felt incrdible.

Music was playing loudly, soft rock. It was my cd he put in. And I knew as I was facing the other way from him. Leaning over, and feeling all the pleasures ever wanted. The song came on, the emotions came on. The song I would listen as I would cry to myself at home, thinking of him alone. And I coud not hold it in any longer. I sulked and drowned myself in tears.

I felt overhwhelmed with tears. Not only was I letting out my feelings of us leaving each other, but of all the pain I have suffered in my life. It was all coming back to me. When my ex cheated on me. How every guy has broken it off with me. How stressing it was being a mom. How stressing it was of having so many count on you for help. And not having time to even breathe.

As I was crying, with him holding me. My body kneeling into my ribs, shaking. I could hear his voice telling me he loved me more then anything. But as I was hearing his voice, everything..all the pain..it was fading away.

I could still see him over my body, holding me, telling me to not go to sleep. I was really confused, because I felt the most awake then ever. But his hands were at my chest, over and over. His ears to my heart. Telling me, as I comprehended a whisper. " Breathe please! Please Breathe!" His voice was now just his lips moving. I could see the room get, all of sudden, very bright. I did not know I was not breathing. I just could feel nothing. Nothing at all. I was even smiling.

The pain was no longer there. He kept on pushing me into the bed, with his hands over my chest. Tellling me not yet. That I could not leave. I did not know what he was talking about. I felt completely fine.

Seeing his face, and then feeling okay. I felt like all my problems were finally being dissolved. I could see my kids in his face, and my mom telling me she loved me. I could see when I was seven and my dad took me to Santa Cruz for the first time. I could feel all the happy times in my life, collide together. Every moment anf everything that ever made me happy. Was right there with me.

His voice was now distant. I now could feel damp wet tears fall from his face. I tried to reach to hold him, but he was holding me so tightely, and my hands would not move. I spoke to him. " I love you." But he did not hear me. He still hald me. Then I could see the room get brighter then it alrwdy was. I felt what he had told me. My heart was numb, It wasn't beating anymore.

And even though, I had a feeling on what was happening. I did not stop it. I wanted it. I wanted it more then anything. So I let it have me. I whispered my last thought, thinking I spoke.

" Good bye... I will always love you."

The music faded out with every touch and voice, his hands now frantically over my chest. I could not feel him anymore. I could only feel the warm light take me.

I was finally happy.

I felt my hand finally move, and it took me.

Nothing was felt, every saddness ever before felt was gone.

In the love of his arms.

I saw the light.

..................................................................................................................................................

Dying was not as hard as I thought it would be. As long as my last minutes were spent with him.

It was easy to leave.

........................................................................

"My True story."

The Prohibited Lepidoperon...

The affinity of the silk gown I was wearing had midst spots of scarlet. I could not feel it dampening my pain though.

As we stood without pelt under the forbidden timberland as we soon would be in our own sacrifice. The clouds were closing in. The moon was pushed to the sequence of our hearts closing together, as we held each others hands in our critical desires.

We both knew that this would be our last matrimony of impermissible escape. With his hand enclosed in mine, our loves last notes will be sung as one- in our executions.

.................................................................................

"May you fail I hope. This makes it chivalry in my game of conspired love for you dear." I looked at his all to knowing glass face. Making but a mockery of my fellowship. He expired at my distasteful forum to his witty demands. I knew deep within his expiry, he liked my sarcasm I put about. With a playful sense in his hold. " You make me laugh my maiden." My face withered over his words in empty format, disgraced in careless tone, " I am but royalty, no maiden. I am not your slave, near not at all. So please take back such slander you contest."

"What if I shall not? What would your puttered forum be then dearest?"

He looked upon me, over and over, scouring my thoughts that truant my desires that creamed his belittlement. I knew he would find nothing, nothing to meet his goal of making me stutter my words under him. He liked it so much, when my melting presence fell over his graceful strong exposure. Not near enough, as when I liked torturing his pleasures.

I whispered to his collar and wrinkled draperies, " I am but your Catherine of Aragon. Nothing of your house maids to bring you brunch in middles eve. For shall I not give you the best adornment to your taste. Nothing of a rags of wheat. But golden eggs and woven succulent grapes." He laughed and muttered again at my whispered words. He made his voice deeper and softer in the large walls of the extravagances of the room, "Catherine of Aragon? I think not. You will not leave me like she had, and you will not betray. However, you are my golden succulence. And you are my Eleanor of Devotion. That is why I cower you inside of my empty fulfillment's." I mumbled soft velvet upon his ear lobes and over his balance in my hold, "This is a positive statement indeed. And shall I stay in this guilt onto morning dawn till eve?" He held me near to his containment, and admitted my answer of knowledge I beckon, "With your dark golden locks, I shall twirl around like cotton in my fields. But both our eyes of the skies, blue as the sea. I shall leave in our heat, for my maidens brew a brunch." I coughed a laugh at his answer. I knew that we were going to be done with our lusts of the morning sun. I just needed to keep company with my king, till it was time to meet with our entitlements. I then spoken to him with confident posture of my laces falling out of lining, and my breasts over my under garments, "Then off we go Roman."

"You silly woman. I shall penetrate you first, with you raveled in my arms as so. How shall I eat without a well deserved taste of your prostitution you capture me with. And do not call me as Roman. Only mother shall name me in such manner. And long diseased is she."

I closed my arms under his acts upon me. Gluing down to his strong hold. Making the best of few half hours we hadst together, before we contemptuously eat over gardens of feasting substance. Then I called out what he is named to the far east, and to my royalties of my queen entitlement, "Yes my King Coralice."

...................................................................................

"No thank you Estrie." I replied to the maid for serving me enough amount of food, to quiet a bountiful in my view. The table was angled with it's unordinarily irregular candles. High in pitch with the elongation of the regal table. I ate with my delicate left hand, the platters of rice silver, and carefully executed glazed gravy ham. I was already full with the food preserved in the kings likings.

The table and hall full of people un named, to many to attendant. The only few of my thoughtfulness would acquire to be my sister of blood, and the young blood of the kings brother.

My sibling, young and mature as she can be. With a difference of burgundy tones that discolored from my dark attributes of my appendage curls. She was a young queen in the waiting I perceived to be. Not yet sure if she shall be chosen though. Tamara, is her name. A sight for only royals to see. She bedded so much power on ageless and ageing men. She was gorgeous in which ever way. Letting her silk straight hair- another difference from thou. She shall most indefinite not be chosen. Almost uncanny of a year apart from me. Not at all the age for a queen, if I shall ever fall from my thrown. Pale as I shall stay, beauty only to fade with time. Time that will be on her side equally as well.

Roman's sibling. Very much a annoyance at best to describe. Thomas is his name. He is the blood brother of himself. Very similar to my husband, unlike my sibling. Much older as well. Having the same blue set eyes, and the same strong build, and the same browning of the skin as he. He would have passed to be the king, more unlikely for Roman to begin with. But with the quarry of votes. Roman took the part as our leader, and I his queen. His brother took the place as a royal pawn. Set aside in case of erratic issues were to develop.

The thing I want to point out, was Thomas disliked me very much so. He was disgusted of me becoming the queen of the East. Weather of downfall, dreary and wetness. Clouds casted in days worth none to count. He hated me with a regretful passion. A passion that set Roman in to a tassel of arguments.

You see, Roman loves me to a point where even his brother he shall kill, if such disgrace came about. I cherished the way he found me in the far west of him. I laid in the back houses of English weather. Dry as a cube of salt. He flourished me with his water, and I bloomed as his queen automatically. Making me the love he would stay for his well being.

I had no doubt in my head, that I loved him just the same. My sister Tamara thought otherwise.

Before I married him, she exclaimed that she saw something in my disposal over him. The way I would talk became different. The way I Iet myself out to others, became inherent. I no longer coursed myself as a singular, but plural. It was he and I now, I told her in arguments of personal. She would get frustrated at my belonging to him. She said he would control every thing I would do. She said I was no longer her sister, but she would try her hardest to get me back.

I never knew what she ranted about, just that I was different. That I had changed to an unlikely sister she wanted nothing to be acclaimed to. But she stayed my sister, and I hers. We talk about rumors of the courtyards, and gossip of neutrality. Not the same as before the thrown I conduct now. Not at all the humor we put off as before when we would chat.

Sometimes I do feel something inside of me, that is empty. It just does not reach to my configuration quite yet. I can't understand it, like she can. It almost seems she knows me better, than thou know myself.

" Lets go on a hunt." She said more endowed with stirring me away from normal meetings of our duties. Tamara wanted me to go on a hunt, to saddle wide, and go for a short graze though the country.

I looked at her disgruntled. I did not want to go, but to make her happy and quite her restless self, "Alright, we shall head to the saddles then." My heart was set on getting a stretch anyways.

"I am going on a ride, I shall be back before sunset, alright dearest." I said it in the most confident and solemn sweet envelope as I could carry my voice to him. letting him know all the reassurance he could possibly account for. He turned his head from the nameless. He kissed me quietly on my cheek, "Go off then my love, be back by sunset- keep to your word then." I glared at him in approval of his breath. I left him with no hesitation to worry. As he kept to his duties in the chambers walls.

...............................................................................

The sun was setting and I was sure we would not be back on time. My worries were out of bound. Tamara's however were devious. As if she had planned this all. She felt something when he would get mad at me, maybe satisfaction for her.

We were riding with the sprinkles of sun hitting the dark mare as I rode on it with fury of not being fast enough, and Tamara's laughing in the backgrounds. My angry voice stuttered as the jolt of the gallop dithered it, "I can not believe you. How could you take us that far. Now he will be infuriated like I am now. And not at you, but me. This was your plan wasn't it." She chuckled at my response to her laughing. Then I swore she nodded at my answer. Scoundrel is my sister sometimes. I gazed at her as fierce as I knew he would when we would get to quarters, "Night is going to fall soon, and I hope you can see though it. Because we will more then promise to get lost in here. Night will eat us up, till he can find us. Maybe I should just tell him to leave you behind and be eaten by Coyotes." Her voice to a sarcasm and sweet calm tone, "Oh be quiet you foolish queen. We will be there as soon as the set will come at our hooves on his royal pebbled steps. And the master will have his way with you in his private quarters."

"How dare you Tamara! I best find you with your head off when we get there. I am very disgraced with you right now. I am being very serious as to whether or not we will make it."

Her long hair was covering her features, of under achieved emotion of amusement. The wind was picking up, and was getting colder as the sparkles of sun faded. As she spoke, her voice was still calm, " Someone is ahead."

I looked at her view, but only could see a shadow. Then my main hoofed up at her reaction of words. It was a man standing in the forest. I was wondering why this wondrous man had no mare to accompany him. He was alone it seemed to be, as he whisked me off my horse to the thickets and stones that laid on the floor. "Dunce you!" I angrily hoarded through my voice. I fell on my bussum, and it hurt in split reaction.

He came near me, and his figuration became clear. He had a perfection of attire. Beautiful hazel hair. Blond and brunette. Glorious and making spirals over his face elegantly around his brows. I was gaudily stricken by the force of my tumble, and the force of his handsome features. More so his features then any.

"Are you alright dear?" His question came to me like a breeze on such a wonderful eve. He has a easy and compressible soft voice. Very perfect for himself. Fit him well I thought to myself.

I was still so focused on his beauty, I could not tell Tamara was chuckling against my failure of grace. And he was coming closer, speaking to me. "You alright? You hurt love?" His accent was not English, but maybe French. So beautiful everything was about him. I never met a creature like him before. "Oh...yes, I am okay. Who are you suppose, please enlighten me." I stuttered my words as close together as I could, to capture a royal essence I grew accustom to so well.

He came closer, while I still laid upon the dirt of the floor. Then he knelt before me and picked up my hand given to him, feeling Tamara's glare so briskly on what was happening. Letting him touch royalty was a matter that was not to be discussed, but I broke it without even questioning once.

His voice quieted at my exposure so near to him, " My name is William dearest." I blushed at his answer. He kept his guard of adoring me so well. My voice was now curious, "Why you here in the haven alone. Why are you dressed so nicely and beautifully. And why do you scavenge without a mare." He kept his grip loose on my hand to raise me upon my feet, " I am in search for the Eloy Butterfly." My eyes widened as he spoke with such grace and texture that made the word butterfly, bounce off my skin like pure silk. I thought through my mind on why such a handsome strong fellow, would want to frolic for an insect. My voice was rising with my body straightening to his stance, " Then we will find this butterfly you search for, and then you will tell me more of you." He muffled at my confidence, chuckling a little slander of the happiness that amidst my face. " I shall do so then my lady. In offering- you tell me more of your entitlement here." I looked upon him as if I had seen a ghost wonder though his trail, " You don't know who I am?" I looked at him with my eyes wide as ever, did not know how he could not recognize me. No one has ever wished to know about me, praising they already knew. This intrigued me much so. I wanted to know much much more of this extraordinary being. A Man in which seemed to be a passer to me.

He chuckled again under his breath, and raised his eyebrow so much so for anyone to conceive, " Why? Should I know you madam? Is there something that makes you different and exquisite that I should know desperately?" I looked upon the leaves that surrounded me, and Tamara staring so eagerly to go now. I was about to speak to him, but she interrupted rapidly.

" Eleanor! let's go please!" She said it with such force, I was almost angry at her.

" Eleanor? So that is your name. An Ellie in our presence, what a delightful gratitude I have upon such an angelic name." He snickered over to me. With the most greatest surprise granting his charming features.

I gave him a smile that I did not know I had. Feeling things I did not know I could consist of. " You are a mystery to me, young William sir. A mystery I would like to solve." As I leaned closer, I could feel Tamara nudge back. She was back on her steed, ready for the trail back again. She had wanted nothing to do with the nonsense I was playing off to William.

" If you shall not leave this instant Eleanor, I shall leave without." her voice had no tone or energy. She wanted out of it.

"Fine, head off with you then." I was saying to her sternly, without even to check if she had already left.

My eyes focused over to his wondering soul. Something was steering me away from where I was suppose to go, and where I wanted to go.

I leaned over to his left shoulder, eagerly awaiting for him to explain himself to me. " My name has nothing to do, with how you make me feel intrigued by you. Now that we are apparently alone, will you tell me more of you?" He looked to the west, kneeling his eyes over the leaves and tasseled wind. The eve grew enlarged accross the opening of the forest trees. I knew that I would be sought after. That was the least of my worries at the moment. All I wanted was to get acquated with William.

He kept his focal infection, over the strayed green parsed grass, hidden beneath the piles of crunches. Looking upon my face with a encounter of a blurr, as he moved his head back around, searching for the insect again.

" Why don't you help me find it. Maybe you will find what you are looking for- within the time you help me." I was mislead, I wanted to just know when this arrangement of including his proposed presence would come clear to me. He would come clear to me. I squinted through the haggred air, dark overcoming it. " Fine I will. And as soon as I find this creature, you shall add background to your name."

He moved ahead of my slow pace, mixing his eyes with all the gardens that it might be around, " The name shall follow, when you find it for yourself Lady Ellie. And this creature is not a creature, it is a masterpiece of the gods. A proper name would be mistaken for a "Lepidoperon." Not a creature, or vulgar name as a insect."

"Excuse me, sorry your master. Lepido...t.." I closed the word together slowly, trying to combine and sycronize it perfectly as I can. The word was hard to come by though. He chuckled again, upon my fumbling of tongue. " Oh dearest lady, you are quite amusing for me as well. You are so beautifully dressed, with your corsette neatly fastened, and your gown flowing below your feet of gold rouge slippers. How can such porcelin skin and dark flowing hair, have such a excuse of being so light hearted as you are. You make me smile though, whoever you say your importance may be." He went back to searching for the...whatever it shall be named. Still a creature in my mind. He turned around to take course of the woods, where my standing laid. Seeing his wavy locks flow through the breeze of night. His eyes twinkled in the fading sun through the shadows, creating a mirror of green and brown rivers in his gaze. Coming closer for me to hear what he was going to say.

" Someone is here for you madam." His answer in my ears created a boomerang effect. Making me twist my hearing around to react what he could hear or notice, that made him know someone was coming.

The sound of the galloping and howling ricocheted off the forest floors and the lost rocks under the piles of dirt and leaves. It was my name being called by to many familiar voices and howls. Maybe a pack of hounds with them. Probably twenty or more gaurds, of English men searching for me. And more then likely, actually factual, that Roman stampeding as well.

" I shall be off then madam. I do not want to be familiar with people that I feel may be infuriated with me." He said it softly and admissively, barely for me to hear. Made me uneasy and weary of Roman coming. Almost making me feel like I wanted to leave with him. Like I thought my husband was out to get me. In which he was, but not in stricken manner. Not a reason for me to be afraid of him- but I was.

As soon as he interuppted my thoughts, he had left off in the dark wind. As I stood awaiting for the stampede of frustrated royalty to whisk me off, and King Coralice to scold me for not making it back on time.

..................................................................

His percussion of his fingers kept an eratic beat. I could see his face before he could even express to my view. I knew he was thwarted, and maybe even a little umbrageous. I could tell outside our corodor window, set off to a sanctioned balcony- it was raining. I knew he was now probably even more dissapointed, looking upon the dreary wheather. Thinking, I could have been lost in the vast growth of woodland. He was aggravated, and frustrated at me.

He kept his mark, canted ever so slightly over the windows old arch. He cleared his throat quietly and kept his embodement towards the frame,

" What enclined you to keep so potent past our lands. In especially the borning of evenfall." He took his time as he made sure I understood every soft worried tone in his voice. Not at all angry it seemed. More discomfited then anything else.

As I sat listening in remorse to his voice. Scrunching up my frock with one hand, and the silk down sheets upon what I sat on in another gripping hand. The words he spoke hurt. I felt his awful worrying in his throat, being so hard for him to contemplate. I tried to react to his question as simple and understanding as possible. Making sure my voice matched a tone lower then his, " I am sorry Coralice. It was but a mistake I shall never make again. Please forgive and forget." His posture interacted with my answer. Standing up more straight, and then turning his features towards my built upon the bed.

His face looked infuriated, very unpleased. " Eleanor..I will forgive as long as you tell me a better answer then that. Tell me why you stayed in the dark gloom. Why would you not be frightened as well. Off on your own like that- you could have been met as a kill for the wild wolves out there. So tell me why...why you would have rather stayed there, and not in your Kings hands." His articulation of his feelings as he spoke, was to deep, to ditraught. I could not beleive I was shaking now, worried of the truth. I knew I could not tell him I was with a anonomous passer. I could not tell him of William. I had to think of another explanation, as he starred me blank in the eyes, with more disgrace at my thoughts then I was.

My voice stuttered on, and it pitched off it's course under my breath, " I was out with a man. He helped me find my way of ways. Telling me the directions on which way to go. That was why I was not afriad. He left me though, so I was glad you came and searched for me." He could not gather enough thoughts to speak. Then he came closer to me, almost lip to lip. He slowly whispered in intensity to my face, " A man? What do you mean a man? No please, this is enough for me to hear. I do not want to discuss this anymore. It is late then most nights now, and it is time to rest. I hope you will now behave yourself, so I do not have to kill anyone for your disappearance." My face kept its same expression, nothing to tell that I was mortified at his response, at his threat. He laid on the other side of the extravagant bed, and fell right to slumber. Not a single notification that he cared if I slept or not. As I was still up over the bed in the same position. Trying to bring up the images of William's surreal characteristics. I already knew if I laid to rest, it was him I would be dreaming about tonight.

......................................................................................................................

It was dejeuner, and the ardent aglow blazed through the court yards, under my tight curls of my updo, and flowing hairs that stranded my face. We were having a gathering of the collectives of France and farthest south of England. It was the most important brunch we would have a year. And nothing would mess it up.

I could tell Thomas, was keeping his stare on me. Reminding me of the childish immature mistake I had made about a week ago. His eyes glazing back and forth over the array. Roman was not paying attention to me as much, knowing that his brother will pay more then enough attention to my where abouts.

I kept my view and behavior in check. Reminding of nothing of William. Only focusing on what was at hand. The gardens of greenery, and the ladies of royalty mummbling nonsense over the Violins that were playing. The children frolicking over the pond. The men laughing outragously over despuits of long forgotten. Everyone was having a merry time, except for I.

" Queen Coralice." Estrie- our maiden- whispered over the muttered loud words spoken through out the court, " A man is here to see you at the gates." For some reason I could not hear her speak, I could not hear that she was maybe referring to someone I knew, someone no one else knew. My voice was urgent and small, " I shall fetch him in a bit." As I nudged her off. Estire was a beautiful woman, within her late fourties. She knew how to take care of everything. Tend to every meal, and every dutiable we laid out for her. She was also like my best friend. Always sticking out for me before notice. I knew that she knew who he was. I knew by her soft nice features rolling back in surprise, her hair pinned into place for him...it was him at the door. It was William. And I knew she would keep my unplaced secret to herself.

................................................................................................................

His skin had a decadency of luminescent shine. With the brisk gorging light blooming from behind the mosses of trees. He looked over me through the arched shadows of the doorway.
His eyes were marrying me between the depth of dark. Beauty gorges of life bloomed in his eyes. My voice could barely sucumn a loud enough whisper to let him not see my worry of him being here, " Why thus be upon these grounds?" He could view with enough disposal, the far clearings and chatters of others in the east courters outside.

He gave enough time to arise his thoughts with my presence still in whithering emotion of the others behind. He crept his eyes back towards the shrubs and banshels of green. Then with quante hearing, he enclosed his lips open slightly, to speak of his exsistance upon snone grounds, " Eleonor--- shall you come with me in sparse moments. I need you to see something, a perilous quander a breathtooken to my chalace. I needst no more confusion between a fusion of what we profused. I need to see it in your strength upon lonely floors of tan shackles of dry, and see you again in solitude with thou. Shall you come- only for a moment spared."
He was now staring, deathly over wrinkles that did not exsist on my shadowed face. I could feel him seek a remorse in me. Maybe with his gaze he could lure me with him. Out to maybe look for the insect again.

My mind was to out of reach. Over and under his loose clothing, fitting in such beautful manner on his slender massed body. My eyes were sinned. The shoulder cap of my right, was brushed evenly by the brisk breeze through the doorway. I kept my focus on his gaze for me. I was looking right though the cornias of his spheres, but it was the forest behind him still, that I could see better then he. My jester for a response, was quite close to giving in then I prosumed it to be, " If I shall go, we shall leave at eve past dawn. No later and no sooner. " My mind and voice cracked at the end of the sentence. I could not beleive in my royal extendencies, that I shall be wildly wondering off with a stranger. Or was he a stanger? Could he be considered as one. He had all the qualities of a man of distinguish and taste.
I did not know who he was, except that he liked butterflies, and his name was William, and he was quiet and behaviored, with a gorgeous tint of beauty that corpsed my soul as soon as I met eyes with him.

He came closer to me. Feeling the breeze force a rush between me and him as he swept closer. Then he knelt down on his one knee, and kissed me upon my loose fragile hand. Then carelessly jolted effotlessly on top of his feet. Nodded past my shock of his soft lips blazing emotions though my hand to my nerves of my textures.

" I shall meet you at dark destinies then..."
He left with a nodding reussarnce, while my composure was still embeded around his lips. Awaiting to close the door, and awaiting to see him once again. Tonight.

.....................................................................................................................................


I rambled off back to the courts. Of loud gestures ranting, and ladies fanning over depths of heat. I could see my husband over his lashished cushion. He was carrying off well with the other men.

I felt the pit of my being and stomach of holes, seek so far, I could not feel anyone around me. The time took on me like scorches of honey. Sticking till it was finally the time. I could feel his stare now. Roman, was staring all to glassed, though my skin and eyes- he could see somthing in the midst of me. Something I may be keeping- for he was right on target.

" Oh Queen, will you come with me to my quarters. I need only converse with you for few. "
His voice was so deep and dark, I did not even know he was him anymore. As he grabbed over my wristes to shake me to the doorways, and up the walls of our sanction.

"Why what is it then...?" I tried to speak with no contempation and no emotion what so ever. He saught though it though. " You are shuting an acunum over me..I see it. Tell me now Eleonor..or shall I carve it out of you?" The perplexity of his wrathing, was unbearing. He was so furiated over me. My voice was low and saddned, but still confident with my answer, " I am off to seek refuge past the courts tonight. You mustent follow, or greive, or even force. I will leave you then. I need time alone tonight. Time for my own seclusion apart from you."

"What are you idling about..NO! You are not frolicking anywhere Eleanor. There is no way that I will treaty that."

My patience for his yelling was falling. I was also falling back over to the doorway, making a move if in needing. I whispered in regret, as well as telling my last reply, "I am leaving now then. I will see you soon. And please no intrusions." I let myself out, as I could feel his beating voice echo off the closed door, telling me he will come for me as soon as I set foot past boundaries. I did not care though, I felt to confined and controlled. And needed to breathe, even if I was alone without William.

............................................................................................................................

It was still showing light betwen the weavings of the trees. Dark and admissive as you walked farthest more. I could not find him in the clearing. I could not see if he was there yet. I hummed over the silent brissles of the trees baranches. Keeping my nerves and thoughts calm. All to knowing that the king and others shall be searching for me by eves breaking. I was fully aware of what shall happen. I knew my fate as perceived in past wives of the royal. That I would be cut without thought, as soon as found. I did not want to live like this anymore though. Its like f you were to have not eaten after a a day. It starts to feel different, and hurtful. I needed to eat, I needed to see him again. I needed this lad I did not know to well. Who let me taste what bread and wine taste of. Letting me chew upon life. I needed William, if that be his name.

The cold depth every time I paced twenty more moves, it became frigid and more stalace. I could feel my feets putters erupt more sound as the forest became more hallow of silent life. I was still awaiting for him to show.

When I finally came to the crunched leaves and burried pebbles, I found him. His light over his white blouse bounced glowing over his green eyes, and blushed skin. His curls over composed between the wind. He became another person in the forest, more dream tale like. To hard to cionceive his beauty, as I was in the shadows of my doorway.

His posture more suttle, and his voice more elgent and perected, " Now shall I show you.."

" Of what?"

"Come with me a few more steps to the clearing. You will see." His voice carried through the corners hidden beneath the forest floor, and he took my hand again with ease, and whisked me towards his back, as he crept me closer to his surprise.

As soon as we stepped a few paces against the wind and falling debri, it was maginificent. Never before had I felt chills of destined beauty in my whole birthing. It was a coven between willows and spruces, of the insects. Lepidoperon he corrected my thoughts. In colors of mahagony and yellow mustard, with flutters over the canopies and floors. Gathered together to make a spectacular viewing. Millions over millions of Butterflies flown over and under me. It was a sanctueary for only the gods to create. I was floored amd could not move from the spot he drifted me to.

"What--what...wh--" I could not gather what I was going to egnite from my lips to say to him in rsponse to being in mid air with myself.

" They are all the species of butterflies. Every last one of them with there own sequence and name. Every one of them a gift to see. And here, the one with the largest wings, and golden spraks of dots in balck and green..that is the Elloy Lepidoperon." As he spoke, the last few words were slow and beautiful as he voiced hs devotion for this little creation.

" Its beautiful, breathtaking."

He gave an all knowing smirk to my response, and revived near to me. I could feel his breath closing in on me again. And his smell rushing though my bloodstream, creating a balnce of nausia, for his closeness. I was light headed, and needed his breathing to come closer. Then he grabbed my left wrist, and touched his silky hands over them with deilcacy. He then shook off the breeze and drifted his head near my face. Breathing slower, and slower with each glance he gave. And as he carfeully brushed his lips against the pink cold lips of mine-- silence took care of the rest. He stopped and we were both still for the seconds looking though oue eyes in terror.

He was here, coming for me. Hearing the hooves nd shackles take the slow motioned emotion we made, stop. He was after me, and more then confident he will execute him. Both.

He then gave away his terror that still skinned my eyes so much. And he grabbed me quickly though the forest. So quick that a branch was able to scrape against my gown, and bleed a wound torn though the cloth. As the pain was not enough to escape the terror I felt still.

He still grasped my hand tightly, as we rummaged through the forest and thorns of darkness as fast as he took me, or as fast as I could run. I did not know where we were heading, only to find a preventing place, that helped us not deal with what was our soon fate.

No words were said, as he wisped me away. Thinking furious and mad thoughts to myself, unable to conceive one after the other. Thinking and knowing he knew I was the queen. He knew this would happen. But still it was our destiny. It was what lured me so indefinitely to him. To be confined with my last breath, taken with him. I knew we were not going to get out of this, but I felt alive, after so many years wondering where my life was. What was the meaning of it.

I found it, I found my life. Even if for just sparse moments. I found it. With a stranger whoI felt more aware with, and trusted more then my spouse of years. I was myself.

I could not see the movement of our feet anymore, or the roots of trees of the ground. Only his back and neck, was what I could see. Feeling woozy yet awake. Maybe dizzy form the loss of vlood I was defining from the torn cloth of skin removed.

As the ending came near. William and I stopped. Still able to hear the hooves get louder and the howls of hounds get nearer.

He looked not towards the danger that will surround us and surely kill us. But he looked in my eyes and through my heart. He brought me closer to him, as the blood combined on his white shirt. He held me closer then anyone ever has. Our combination of adrenilin and breathing, came like rushes of beats. Our heart beats forming together at our first and last moments that will be held. The last and first time life bloomed for me, and him- as I looked and saw it in his gaze. He was alive too, he was the forbidden. The hidden. The prohibited. That found love, as I found mine.

The affinity of the silk gown I was wearing had midst spots of scarlet. I could not feel it dampening my pain though.

As we stood without pelt under the forbidden timberland as we soon would be in our own sacrifice. The clouds were closing in. The moon was pushed to the sequence of our hearts closing together, as we held each others hands in our critical desires.

We both knew that this would be our last matrimony of impermissible escape. With his hand enclosed in mine, our loves last notes will be sung as one- in our executions.

As the beheading of our love laid in the hooves of the night.


" As I came to see, one life is all you have..use it as the last day you will have left- with someone you can believe in."

It Takes Eight Days

Day 8

I think that the deprived empty pit of hunger and appetite decreased. If I did not have him here with me, I don't think I could meet my defeat so easily. Even at the tranquility of his comfort and at his company. I am still withering away along with him.

I never knew a month before this, that this would ever happen. Not in my wildest dreams. I never thought of my fate in such deprivation coldness would dye out this way.I never thought I would feel okay with it though. Okay of going. Okay with this being the end. As long as I was in the comfort of his semi warmth of his arms. I could leave with a smile on my face.

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"I don't want to go out and eat tonight."I reassured him that we already had dinner made in the oven. He insisted that we go out. Go out with his friends and eat our money away.

He looked at me disoriented with my response, "We are going, that's final. " I then looked over to the sink and washed my hands of the access food crumbs I buried my hands in a few minutes ago. I practically spent all day making him a full course dinner. It seemed he did not realize that, and needed a more appetizing meal then what I slaved over to make him.

I for one, did not want to go to another high end fancy restaurant- not another after being exposed to fish eggs just before. I had enough of sparse disgusting unappetizing meek grum. I also did not want to interact with his good "Close" friend Margie. She was a Bitch. I am sorry for my slander. She just really fluffs my feathers to where they look mortifying. I hate looking at her- her long, down your back, gorgeous blond hair. Her beautiful green hazel eyes, that Vince always told me looked like honey wine. I hated when he told me that. He only told me once, but that once was like played over five hundred times in my mind. She hated me the first time I met her, still does too. I am usually a very friendly person- even if they looked like a plastic barbie doll manufactured in human form. I was friendly to everyone I met. Even her. She just didn't like me though. The first time she caught glance of me two years ago at a after wedding party of a friends- she looked at me for a second and glazed right past me to Vince. She has been that way since. She even interrupts me while I talk- like I am not even there.

The whole time as well, Vince is captivated by her. Letting her talk over me, about some time she worked out or went shopping in another state. She makes me gag.

I guess I had no choice though. Vince was going to take me if I had a say in anything. I would have to eat their raw fish they both love at the same freaking Sushi bar. I am very aggravated.

I told Vince, if he wanted for me to act anyway decent towards Margie- he better let me take my Mason with me. Mason was my best friend. I knew him way before Vince. I knew him since High school, and probably seventh grade. I think he moved away a bit in eighth. I can't quite recall that far back though. He works as an environmentalist. He is very into our surroundings and making sure we recycle. He is so cute when he asks me if Vince threw out the bottles in the right container. I am always amused with his soft manner over the quate situation that me and Vince have. He knows I am not so happy all the time. So sometimes he comes over, or talks to me in long conversations of sympathy over the phone. He is the one that makes me sane out of all of this. I don't think I would have the guts to eat Sushi without him.

"Felice!" I looked over to the doorway he was holding slightly open for me. I yelled back in irritation, " Not without Mason!" He sighed deeply, then said as he was letting go of the door to walk out, "Fine. I will see you there then." I could tell he didn't even care about my where abouts. He just wanted to get to Margie's side as soon as he could. Sometimes I couldn't tell if he really just cared for her as his co-worker- or more then a friend. It sort of bothered me. "Sure." I silently whispered- knowing he could not hear me anymore from hearing his footsteps within the hallway of the apartment.

When Mason picked me up. I could see his always so welcoming face upraise to my appearance at the front door of his pick-up. I looked at my dress I was wearing. It was one of those little black dresses that you could wear over and over again, and most men would not even tell you did.

But Mason looked at me, and then looked at me again- with his head quirked at me awkwardly waiting for him to release the lock to my door handle. He grinned upside down, "Felice," He said it with the most sarcastic comforted voice, "You are not wearing that again are you?" I looked at him laughing and then looked at my dress and back up at him again. My face quenched in, "Why not?" I knew what he was thinking, but usually not many people comment on what I wear.

He was the only one who knew everything I wore. Every way I did my hair. He could even complete my sentences if he wanted too. He rolled down the window, still not unlocking my side of the car. "That is why I got you this. " He reached behind his seat, and grabbed a blue sparkly bag with pink ribbon that wrapped up to the top. I took a step back to configure what I was seeing, "What is this Mason?" I was curious and amazed that he had gotten me something. It wasn't the first time though. He has gotten me plenty of gifts. He was always so nice to me. Unlike some other people close to me.

He shoved the bag up to my face, without time to reserve my happiness and surprised reaction. "Okay..Okay. " I took the bag and started to un knot the ribbon on the top of the frilly bag. As I rummaged though the overly excessive tissue paper. I came across this light green, almost faded white gown. It was so beautiful. I looked at the dress- holding it in my hand as I dropped the bag. I stuttered and stammered my words to him, "You..you.. I can't believe you. " He got the hugest smile on his boyish sweet features.His green eyes and dark hair looking so devilishly handsome. "You like it, I am assuming?"

I then demanded he opened the door that instant, "Open this door so I can give you a hug. " He laughed ecstatically, "Oh yeah. Hey, don't kill me though. " I smiled so big it hurt, as he opened the door finally. I then gave him the hugest hug I could ever give someone. Then I guttered back to looking at the fine linen silk and lace cascading over my clutch. I looked back at him, and saw he was adoring my expression he gifted to me. I girlishly giggled and smiled at his adoring face. Then I regained my posture and looked out to the apartment again, "I am going back up to change, okay. " He nodded his head in a more wondrous approval.

When I came back down, I could already see his gasping mouth drop. I blushed at the thought of the thoughts that must be ready to blurt out his mouth. "You look so beautiful Felice! Vince is going to die when he sees you. " I then looked back down in the squander of Vince's look he would get when he would see me.

Then Mason came closer to me in the car, "If he does not see that your beautiful Fee, then he is not the right one for you." I still had my head down in deep sorrowful thoughts. I jolted a bit up after he reassured me everything was going to be okay. I couldn't help to wonder though, if he was right for me. I could do nothing now though, even if I decided he was not the right one. I was married to him. I have been married to him for two years now. I could not wreck all that committed time we placed together- can I?

When we got to the bar. I could already see Vince sitting more then close to Margie. I knew he was already going to be like that though.

When I started walking towards there presence- I stopped. I just stood there as I looked at Margie with her long pink dress, and hair tied up to show here gorgeous figure and full breasts and perfect etched face structure. I felt awkward trying to out do her. Then I felt a hand comforting me gently on the middle of my back. Mason came closer to my ear whisking one of my stray hairs back so it would be easier to make out what he was going to whisper, "Just go to him, and be the loving sweet stunning girl you always are Felice. " He kissed me sweetly on my cheek to reassure me he was going to be there right with me.

When I got up to his view, he did not even turn to focus on me standing next to him. I then brush my hand on his shoulders. He sort of looked back, then glanced quickly at what I was wearing. He went right back to sipping lightly on his drink he had, turning his focus back on Margie. He then muttered in a quiet disgust, "What are you wearing Felice?" He kept his view on Margie, not once taking eyes off her. I then caught his less interested amusement on what I was wearing. I mumbled in sadness to his reaction, "It's a dress that Mason gave to me as a gift. " He then swiveled right around in his chair to stare at Mason, then at me. He gave my dress a more deserved, but distasteful over look. He looked at me with a disgraceful placement, "It is ugly." He just flat out said it, with no hesitation in his voice. He then turned back around to converse with Margie again.

Mason's hand on my back pulled away. He stepped near Margie and Vince in the middle of there seating and conversing arrangement. He barged in with a aggravated disposer and voice, " Do you not see she is beautiful, or are you blind as ever?" I could not believe what I was hearing. I could not believe he would stick up for me like that. After all, he was two feet smaller then Vince- still taller then me. Just that Vince was a body builder and was tall, strong, and over baring at times. I did not think he had the guts.

Vince did not even look at him. He just grunted his reaction under his drink, " I could care less what she wears." I started to feel like crying hearing that. But I kept my dignity, and just stood there with a blank stare at Margie, now laughing her head off. Margie respired a deviant despising voice, "You sure did pick an ugly dress for her Mason." Mason looked furious at there reactions and immature manners. He then took a step back away from them, and held his hand where he had it- on my back.

Vince talked more clearly this time, "We are going on a vacation Felice. I was just discussing with Margie that it would be nice if we were to go to Alaska. We are always in the hot weather in Florida. I thought it would be good for a change- for at least a week or so." I looked at him- like what was he talking about, how come he changed the subject so quickly to going on vaca. I was flustered and astonished that we were going on a vacation in the middle of fall.

He then interrupted my distasteful thoughts, "Margie decided she is coming with us. I guess you can take your fashion expert with you too." I felt like a child now. I felt like he was treating me like I could not be with just him and Margie. I also felt more relaxed though. I could not go on any trip with Margie, unless I had Mason. Even with just Vince- I probably would go insane.

Mason uttered his statement, " Really? You want me to go with you guys? Why?" Vince looked at him in amusement at his reaction, "Cause I know you would come in handy to keep Felice happy." He laughed an evil rupture under his breath. I felt like I really despised my husband at the moment. Or whoever he was with Margie. Mason looked at him more confident at his proposal, "Okay, I will be more then glad to come along. I am sure she would be a lot happier in my arms anyways." I felt like a big wind came into the bar after he said that. As soon as he grasped what he said, Vince got right up and grabbed me by the waist. Like a dog claiming his territory. I hated that. He looked at Mason angry as ever, while I was nudging his grip off of me. I was still infuriated by what he said about me. He just gripped me harder though.

He practically yelled back at Mason to his response, "You better stay off of her, you hear!" He then sat back down, knowing he heard him well. Mason just looked around at another direction in the bar. Clutching and clinching his teeth and hands together. I then walked away from Margie and Vince- to comfort his side. He was very angry and brought back at what he said to him. "I am sorry Mason, I am glad I will have you on the trip though. I don't think I could go without you." He placed his hand more firmly over my back again. Grasping a more easy comfort for me. "I will be there for you Fee." I sighed at his sadness he had for me. I knew without Mason being in my life, I could not make it through day to day confrontations with my husband.

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The night before the trip. It was beginning to get frustrating and frantic. Vince stayed on the phone all night planning with Margie on what to bring. I felt like almost the third wheel in our relationship sometimes.

I however conveniently stacked away a few belongings. Just enough to get by for a week. I always thought that a woman's suitcase was a full package. Maybe even a few packages. Looking at my frantic Husbands discretion on his worried face- wondering if he had enough underwear packed- looked more of a woman then me.

I laid there that night thinking on how this might go off. The cabin that we would share- Vince, Margie, Mason, and I. It seemed like it was going to be interesting on how many arguments I can count on to happen.

I comforted to myself at night, just the thought of- maybe it will be a good experience since I will have Mason there.

I thought long and hard of the relationship me and him had, compared to me and Vince. I thought enough to where I was starting to cringe at the thought of how much better he was for me. I just let it go with my eyes that were slowly drifting to sound of the dripping sink in the bedroom bathroom. Getting sleep for the expectations of the day to come.

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When I waited with Vince and Margie wrapped to left of his side. I was not quite anxious for the plane to announce that we should board just yet. I was still desperately awaiting for Mason to arrive.

He was late and I wanted to be sitting near him when I boarded. I told Vince in a low mutter, "If he does not come, I am not going." He just lifted up his grin, making the frown lines crease to a smile. He glazed out the window with the planes taking off, "I hope he doesn't then." I gasped in regret, "He just better Vince." I could tell he could care less about him, and that he would force me to go whether I wanted to or not.

After they called every flight out. I was sure in my instincts that they were going to call us next. I kept my eyes focused to the passing people in the lobby. Searching for only one person.

As I kept focused on a lady up ahead with a frilly bag of discolored antique flowers embroidered on it, I saw him come to focus. I got up with but a little nudge to let Vince know I was going to greet him. I almost felt like a rebel. Like I was now confident that I got my way. Vince laughed as I uttered- feeling his hate rasper out under his breath as he chuckled to see him close into me.

"Felice!" He said it in such warm praising. I felt so happy now, relieved. He came to me and held me tight in friendly corpse. I whispered in happiness over his neck, "I am so glad you made it! I was getting worried there for a second." He then looked over my shoulder, and viewed his haters. He felt the regret that he was there from Vince and Margie. I didn't feel it though, I only felt happy at this point.

As soon as I interacted that he was here, to Vince. The attendant called out our flight number. So we started to head to the entryway to start loading into the plane.

Vince was by my side the whole time we were filing through the little hallways of the plane. Grouping to find our seats. I was very aware that I had a seat next to Vince. I gestured towards Mason though. I spoke to him in a quite plead, "Can I sit with Mason?" He looked over to Margie as I said that. He saw her struggling aggravated look. How she looked disgruntled because she was going to sit with Mason. He looked at the seat that Mason was going to sit in. The very front of the line. He then nodded his head in confidence, "Yeah sure, whatever." I could tell he could care less if I did, he almost seemed like he was pleased I wanted too. Which made me happy, but more and more admissible to the fact he cared less and less of me. I did not care though.

I held Mason's hand as the rumbling of the cargo started to move above our heads. I could tell he was clutching it tightly to let me know everything was going to be okay. He must of never forgotten when I told him I hated planes. That they make me feel sick and anxious. He was keeping his admirement on my hands. He then looked over to the walkway and the fumbles of people beside us. He looked over and then above our heads. He let go of my hand then, he almost had to use force to take my hand off of his. He gravitated his hand up to reach what I now could see, the air. I felt the cold air rush through my fine course hair. He then rummaged through his bag in front of him. He grabbed headphones and plugged them in on my side. He then nudged my hand again, and I could tell he wanted me to listen. I looked at him confused with plenty of words said with just my face language. He laughed and then blurted in a happy tone, "It will be easier for you to take out the sound of it lifting off." I then thought about that for a second, taking it into consideration. "Okay." I took the ear pieces and placed it tightly in my ears. He then wrapped his hand over mine again. And started to close his eyes to the humming of the plane, the humming that aggravated me so much.

I did not know that he knew my addict to music so well. I fell asleep all the way through. It was unbeleivable to me, to him it was to easy to conceive.

When we landed, he held my hand tighter again. Feeling the tense in my posture and extinguishing distaste I had for this. It was nothing though. We landed without a nitch being broken. We filed out of the plane without a single sole of shoe being thumbled. He lightly moved me forward as we entered out the plane walkway. The adventure of planes in my head, pounding to tell me it's not over just yet. I was told by Vince, as soon as we were going to get off the plane, we were going to enter another one. A more private secluded one. "Yeah," I told my inner thoughts and nerves. I really wanted too.

When we got on the cab that took us to the private jet. I felt Mason's deathening glare over at Vince. The way he was thinking and worrying for me. Like his thoughts were brewing over to my thoughts. Spoken in his head loud enough for mine to hear. I could tell he hated the fact I was going to be tense again in the agony of another plane. Let alone a jet plane.

When we came to the plane awaiting in the back of the airport. My thoughts were rushing through me to fast for me to understand. I felt my heart passing by under my wrists to feel the beat pound against my hip. It was overbearing as I looked at the plane against the cold skies. It was so cold here, I was glad I remembered to pack my heavier jacket, light over my arms to wrap over. I was freezing. Mason could tell I was as he wrapped his comfort over my shoulders. Vince still was paying no attention what so ever, at my discomfort of boarding again. He was to busy mingling with Margie in excitement.

I felt more relaxed though, then if Mason were not with me. His tempurture seemed to way above mine. I looked at him- startled by his touch. He gazed at the plane. Back and forth his eyes focused, over the spinal of the plane and the front deck. He then looked at me again, and could see I was more then uncomfortable. Shivering- even with his warmth covering over me. I was terrified and blissterly cold. He leaned his head down a few inches to my cold fleece, "Don't worry, I think you'll be okay in the plane. You will warm up." He was obviously trying to get me warmed up in another way. Trying to make me feel at ease of going on this hell ride.

We stepped upon the ridgy grounds of the doorway to the little plane. To everyone else, it seemed a luxary to be on the mechanical accelerator. I just was in mere terror. Mason was every step of the way with me though. While Vince and Maggie were already fastened in there seating arrangements. Drinking, and having a good old time. I hated it!

He did not even notice me. What did I care though. He never did before anyways. I just hated I guess, the fact that he payed another woman-not his own wife- more attention.

As I sat down on the only two seats out of four available, "Two taken by the despisers." I leaned into the seat next to aisle. Mason grabbed my forearm, and pulled me in a loving manner. He whispered his voice in demand, "You would be more comfortable by the window Felice." I looked at him demented. My voice carried out like I had catched a fly with my lungs, "No..way." He picked my lifeless hand, that was going nowhere. Without force and without lunging his strength to pick me up. He easily took me aside to the next seat over. I frowned in defeat. I knew he was right, I just hated any which seat I was in - on a plane.

Mason started to talk to me about the cabin we will be in. How much more warmer I will be against the fire of the pine scented loggs. I felt his warm words echo in my body. I was already feeling warm. Or maybe it was just the heat from the extravaegent seat warmers.

He made me feel so at bliss and relaxed. I barely moved my lips the whole time as he talked. We hadn't lifted off yet, and he was talking about skiing, and hiking in the snow, and catching snowflakes with our mittens. He was so funny sometimes. I was so into our conversation, I did not realize what he distracted me from us already in the air. I did not even feel the inbalance of the ringing in my ears as we lifted off to a steady tone. He totally obliviated me. He was my miracle charm bracelet.

I looked out the window, with the ground moving farther out for me to see. The white dust as it fell in the distance. The lens of the window was getting cold and tinted at the high elevation. I was enjoying myself. Mason was asleep next to me, he exhausted himself with the ecstatic conversation with distracting me. I was listening to the music that he told me to listen to. It was beating out the engines rumble.

I looked over to the side of me, and Vince and Margie were still going on about drinking at a party from a few months ago. How she always blacked out, and how he found it funny. I found it immature and very childish. I did not like drinking, I thought that would dwiddle me down to her standard of living. Never in my life-

The "shummm-dooo-dooo-shumm," of the magnified headphones, blared out so much noise that I payed only attention to Masons hand on the arm rest, and my hand tipping to the beat. I was tuning everything out, feeling like I was back in Miami under the hot sun again.

As the beat kept its flow, I felt something. Or maybe I heard something. The "shummm," turned into a" crrrrrr," at first I egnored it. Still tapping my fingertips against the cold rest. Then the noise got louder, "crrrrrrrr." I did not know what it was. I was almost feeling my heart imbalance as I heard it again, much louder. "CCCCCRRRRRR!!!"

I took off my headphones and my hair swiveled over my forehead in a fluster. I then heard it now very clear, and at it's loudest. "CRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!"

I was in a uprise panic. I screamed and shaked like never before. Mason was still sleeping, and I startled him. Margie and Vince, looked at me in confussion and dissapointment. "Felice what the hell!" Vince yelled at the top of his lungs at me. He got out of his seat then as soon as he did he sat back down. The lone flight attendent in the front yelled out in calm range, "Everyone needs to be sitting down in there seats and their safety belts fastened tightly. Vince then gave away his dissapointed look, and now was a bit more confused. Even a little frightened under his lids. Mason was in astonished shock for a moment, then he took my hand tightly. He said to me in soft sedate tone, "I am sure it is just the wheather." He was referring to the shaking in the plane, and the ringing that was not suppost to be happening just yet. That only happened when we land. I was sure in my frantic mind- this was not just the wheather.

I looked out my window with my hands shaking to open the single blind. It was a blizzard out there. Only a single gray light shone through the storm. I was either frightened and or terrified at the weather, or the noise and shaking of me and the plane. I could not tell the difference from the both. They were both rattling like a snake.

The shaking and jumpy up and down movements did not stop for what seemed like hours. I looked at Mason and asked how long this was going to last, or if it was going to last. Maybe I wanteed it to last, if it stopped would we be in trouble. With a little bit more panic in his calm voice, "Don't worry, I think we will be alright." I only composed of one word he mouthed. "He thinks." What does he mean he thinks. Are we going to be alright, or is this it?

The noise and movements were as erratic as ever. Then it stopped. It all stopped and it was silent. The pilot anounced, "Everything is alright folks, we will be landing in a half hour now. Just some diff----."

His sentence was broken to the noice again. I felt like we spiraling now. The plane felt hot. I was getting my body shaken as I was shaking. The seatbelts felt like they were not going to do there job. It was loosening as my hips grabbed at it, tightening.

Mason grabbed and tightened his hand around my grip. Vince was yelling in the background to the pilot, asking what was going on.

The shaking in my hand was now coming more from Mason then from the plane. I looked at his face as he looked back at me. He was crying. I felt tears roll out of my eyes. I did not even feel any more panic though.

The noise was a more silent loud. As my body and his was being lunged forward to gravity. Margi was screaming and panicking more then ever. But I was silent for some reason. There was nothing I could do about this. We were all going to hit the ground soon. All the things that I thought I would think about when I would die, did not flow though my mind. Only the melodic humm, of Mason trying to still relax me in his horrable panic. I think it was working. I felt nothing as we were plunging to our demise.

I then held a little whisper in my ears from the silence of the russtels of the plane, "I love you Felice." I looked over and Mason was focused deathly on my lap, "I love you too."

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Day 1

Negative stimulus was gushing though my head as I tried to open my eyes. I felt a numb overbearing pain that cascaded through out my leg. I still was hearing the ringing of the plane. Then I tried to lift up my afflicted body. Nothing.

I then realized that I was alive. I was still able to open my eyes. I tried to open them a bit more though, to get a capture of where I was. It was painful. A rush of strickened pain built around my leg even more, and my head like a bullet was torn in it, but tooken out.

I was able to make out what was in front of me, shattered and broken lying pieces everywhere. There was burning ahead, I could tell. Then my mind and body became more struggled and inpowered. I wanted to get up NOW!

Where was he, where was everyone. I could only see me and the snow and scraps under me. I could see cliffs and more broken metal up ahead. I screamed what my lungs could bear, "Mason! Vince! Margie!" Nothing but a little whimper came out of my torn voice. My head started feeling woozy more then ever after trying the hardest to call for them. I could not move or speak anymore. I let my pain give me out, and I rested on the cold snow, that seemed less of my worries- as finding them.

"Felice? Are you here? FELICE! FELICE PLEASE.....FELICE!"

I woke up to my name being fantely demanded for me. I was still feeling groggy and ill. I felt my head still pounding blood in and out. I saw him barely from the snow and broken metal, "Mason?" I whisperd his name, a little bit questioned as his figure came near me. "Mason!" I said it louder. Now figuring it was him.

I felt my eyes try to feel his hand that was pulling me out form the rubbage I did not know I was under. "Mason?" He put his bruised hand over my mouth, trying to save my energy on recovering my voice for later. He got me out form under the pieces, and carried me in the snow to another spot. His breathing was deep and fast. I could tell he was out of it, and exausted, but also releived he found me. He whispered in desperstion, "I am so glad I found you, I thought I lost you Felice."

He sat me down on a warm rock. Then hummed his lullaby to me, as his jacket was warming me in the never warming coldness. My eyes of exausion fell to the grace of his touch and presence.

Day 2

I was able to open my eyes wide enough now to see that he was not near me anymore. For a second I thought him finding me was just a dream. I was still on the rock though. Under the cliffs canopy.

Where was he though. Where did he leave off to? The wind was now circulating in my senses. I could feel the air gorge my wounds. It was a anguish of stinging pain.

I tried to shut my eyes and think about him being here. The pain brought more reality then I asked for. "Felice!" I heard in my thoughts. Wait, my thoughts are of my pain. He came near me and still calling my name. "Felice, I got a few packets of food for us to last us a while." I looked at what he was carrying- two or three packets of ripped food that survived the crash, just like us. I then caught a glimpse of a lost thought. Where was Vince and Maggie?

As Mason came close to me and kneeled to my laying limp body. He told me to rap over the blanket he had managed to get under the rubble. I looked at him in amazement. Seeing as he only had one jacket on, his lips blue and violet, and his shivers trying to subside with him being near me. "Mason, you need it more then I." He just nudged it even more for me to grab. I knew his stubborn side, and did not argue. I grabbed it and pulled it over the jacket I already had on. It was only a fraction warmer then before. I seemed a little worried and interested as I spoke to him again, "Mason, where is Vince and Margie?" Silence held his voice. The cold was held in his arms as he put me asleep to pass time and conversation. I kept my thoughts till the morning.

Day 3

"So you have not found them?" I soft desperately questioned him. He looked out at the fields and plains that kept on going with white mountains and silks that kept till eternity it seemed. He was still holding me under the cold morning sun, barely shining through the moving pitch white skies, "I know how you feel right now. I searched under all the scraps and burials of snow that dug it deeper then you know. I could not find both of them. I am even surprised I found you Felice."
His voice was a hopeless weariness. He was very sad I could see. He and I both, did not want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere. Alaska was a big place. I was sure if we even had a radio or some kind of communication device to notify anyone that we are alive. We would be dead by the time they got here. My heart was flooding with overwheming depression and coldness. Mason brushed himself closer to me, muttering and whispering as he lifted my dark hair past my ears, "I am going to try to find them Felice. Maybe I will find more food as well." His voice seemed chearful and hopeful with all the knowing he was fading in his tracks. "Okay."

I waited their, trying to nuzzle the most warmth I could get. Every movement I made, sharpy iced erosions would fill my feet and hands. I was getting so numb from the cold, I eventually had no idea I was in the cold anymore.
I kept on thinking about the first time I met Vince. How when we had our first date, and it was a little family owned Italian restauraunt. He took me there and I was waiting at the door for him, so we could go in together. Instead a person from inside the restauraunt opened the door and told me he was already waiting. I was not sure what she ment. I swore he was in the car still. But when I came in, the seating arrangement, was a cutain pulled back over a cornered table. Then he came out from the closed cutains, and told me to come sit inside the little coven. I stepped in side and it was filled with red and white roses. Candles were dimly lit on the table, and our food was already ready, with wine in the most delicate glasses. I cried that day, and that day was why I fell in love with him. We got married about a month after. So I did not get to know him that well.
I got to know that he was not the best man after all. He used that first date to lure me in, and then make me feel like I been spit out right after I married him. I stayed with him though. I was afraid that no one will give me that first beginning love like he did. He also kept me financially stable. That is not always a good thing to stand by though.

After thinking about this so long in the pellets of frigid hitting every inch of my shivering body. I got a epiphany. He was right under my eyes since I was 14. He stood not as tall as my husband, but a beautiful average height. He was strong in mind, body, and soul. He took care of his responsibilities. He took care of me. He was sweet to me. He was honest to me. He was not with me. I could not beleive that I did not see Mason for what he really was to me before. Mason was the one I loved, and who loved me.

"Hey." He staggered slowly to me. His head was down and his body limp and frozen. "Whats wrong?" Besides all the things that are coming against us at all odds. Besides the fact we will probably die here. "I found them Felice." I left my train of thought, "You did." I could not gather what he was saying. I did not even know why I even cared what he was saying. "They are dead Felice. They were under the south side of the rubble. They are a mess, so I burried them." I looked out and shivered in compulsion. I was fealing the warm tears falling on my cold cheak. "What are we going to do Mason? How are we going to get through this?" He started to come close to my side again. Holding me back at his deep set shoulders. He softly grasped my thoughts, "Don't worry Felice. If we leave, then we will leave together." Tears kept on falling all down his jacket and on his shoulders. He held me closer to him, trying to take the pain away with his comfort.

The morning dawn that was in my view just a bit ago, was dark. We had not ate anything all day. There was nothing to eat. My hunger is growing, and I inspect his was to. He comforted my hunger with his hold as well. I fell asleep under his stregth that never failed.


Day 4

Hunger, cold, consolation Day 5 Hunger exceeding, colder, deprivation Day 6 Coldness overtaking, Searching for more shelter, Hunger subsiding


Day 7

There was no point in trying to fight it anymore. The hunger that fitted beneath my skin, was going away. It was falling so thin now, I barely felt it anymore. Mason looked over the dreary bright skies under the little canopy of the cliff. He saw something I could not see. His eyes grew larger from his attenuation.

He looked so gone before, but now he looked worried. His voice was fierce and desperate, "Felice, a storm is coming." I felt it to. I felt the winds picking up speed. I felt the coldness that was lost in my numb paling body thicken. "How long do we have?" His face was more concentrated, "We have to find better shelter now." He was gentle with his voice, just a bit on edge.

We looked past the ridged rocks and the cold paling snow that was burying us in the layers and feet. "Here!" I turned my head with much force, my feet could not move as well as before. My hands were more blunt then asked form god. "Do you think we will be okay in there?" He looked into a little cave tucked away on the right side of the cliff. "It will help us enough Felice." I was making a face of a coward. A face that said I wanted to just give up. "Why do we fight this, we are dying Mason." His structure was weaker and thinner. He was still strong and overpowering then me. I looked like a skeleton compared to him. He came close to me, and used all his strength that was left in him, and picked me up. He carried me in the cave and set me down on the cold floors. It was not a deep cave, nor was it small. It was the only shelter we had though. He then fell over next to me, sighing in despair. I looked over at him, and looked in his eyes. His eyes were still a piercing green, staring with so much hope in them still. "If we die Felice, I want to die with you relaxed and at ease. I don't want it to hurt. And most of all, I want to be with you." The warm tears came back. If I could, I would cry all the time. It felt so good on my cheeks.

He took his hand in a loose fist, and wiped off the warm tears. He then looked around and saw a good enough hole of dirt to make a fire in. He grabbed a few sticks laying around, and with a few twist and twirls, the little flame blazed before me. It only took him a few minutes to endorse it. We had not had fire since we been stranded. It felt so good upon my covered body and skin.

"Felice.." He seemed like he was going to ask me something. "Yeah." His eyes gazed at me again, "What if you had married me? What would it be like you think?" My heart beat the warmth of the ember blazes. "It would have been the best choice I would have ever made Mason. I regret not marrying you." He came closer to me, and held me in his jacket. We stirred out attention to the fire and the red flashed light it gave on the stone walls.

The wind started to pick up more and more. The ice of the snow was still coming in a bit. Maybe it was the warmth and the deliberate of us expiring. His hands were steady for the minutes we spared together. They made me feel at ease, as he said. My tremors died down with my coldness. He pulled me into his coursed intense consistency. His breath was making a hovering of cold clouds over to the light ardour. I sensed that he was planing to take care of me in these last moments we knew we would have.

"Did you know that I have loved you since I first laid eyes on you in middle school. I was just so afraid that if I were to ruin our friendship. You would never speak to me." He murmered in factual admission. I sighed at the fact he gave to me. I knew he felt this way, and I knew I felt this way too. It was me being so blind- that I did not see such a regretful choice I did not choose. I answered his semi question with remorse, "I am sorry. I know you did, and I did too. At least I get to spend my last hours with someone who truly cares for me." It is so weird what you realize when you are about to die. You see things that had been dark and covered for so long. That they finally get put together, after losing all the pieces.

His subtle love for me was now extending itself in comfort. His face soft and sweet over the affectionate heat.

He then took my face and hands. His fingers tracing the outline of my faces fragility now. He made his eyes contact quickly to my lips. He started for my lower lip. My body was already numb, so my heart went numb. His lips were as cold as mine, but I still felt sensations as he softly touched them. His stamina luring closer to mine. He then took off my jacket and kissed me on my neck. The coldness of the wind picked up. I still could not feel the difference with the jacket on or off. He was keeping my body sane.

The howling of the air was blowing briskly in and out. All I could hear now was not the wind, but his breathing and mine. Very deep and dissolute. I lifted my hand shivering no more, over to his structure that was embedded over me now. I held him closer to me. He took his spare hand and softly revealed my shirt above my drench cold hair. Then stared at my bare body for a minute of silence. He then whispered many sweet things in my neck, as the tickles of his cold warm fused breath was perceived on my skin.

The warmth of our bare bodies glistening in the embers of sparks cruising through the caves of smooth gray and white stone audited passion of warmth. His body made me safe and silent for a long time. Only my voice that grew in his ears were all that was heard. And his touch that raveled over my entirety dreamed in our captivation.

The fire grew less and less, as the storm appended out. He then lifted me with the little stregth he still had form the last time he lifted me up.

He took me out in the open- the eye of the storm. We laid in the middle of the white twenty or thirty feet of frosted glacial sphere of white. While he comforted me still in his bare body and mine. As we both laid in our locking bodies as the snow fell down by layers upon layers over our backs. I felt every inch of me cold as ever. Still I felt released of feeling absolutely nothing for the cold.

He looked over to my shadowy eyes. Feeling me passing away in his build. He then stopped his comfort upon me. He laid next to me with his arms holding as tight and gentle as they could. The snow burrying us alive. He still kept his grip. And we still kept our composure of bliss within our dying love. Baring our souls to the wind and cold. He whispers his last breath as I do mine, " I love you."


Day 8

I think that the deprived empty pit of hunger and appetite decreased with him. If I did not have him here with me, I don't think I could meet my defeat so easily. Even at the tranquility of his comfort and at his company. I am still withering away along with him.

I never knew a month before this, that this would ever happen. Not in my wildest dreams. I never thought of my fate in such deprivation coldness would dye out this way.I never thought I would feel okay with it though. Okay of going. Okay with this being the end. As long as I was in the comfort of his semi warmth of his arms. I could leave with a smile on my face.

With Mason...their was no end. Only a eternity of love.