Headline: Sara Steller

I am sixteen. Yeah I know that seems a bit amazing to comprehend for most people but I will be having a birthday coming up in a few months...okay more like a year.

My name is Sara Steller. I am a singer and song writer. I have been a singer since I was born I think. But to the public..I became a star when I was fifteen. I was founded by a man in a church recital. He was dark and eerie looking. He had these dark shades and long suit with pin stripes as the only outline color to notice him.

He told me I was good enough to be a uprising singer. I was flattered by it. I felt finally seen for my talent. I knew I had it..just didn't know I would ever be good enough. He gave me his card..and that is the last I remember. Everything after that happened so fast. I got new clothes, new hair style, new makeup, new everything practically. The only thing that stayed the same was my personality. They said I needed to be more rebellious. Play out of the lines..be more punk. I stayed the same though. With my smile that was always on my face, and my laugh that was always happy to greet. I am who I am, and I won't change anything about me. Maybe outside, but hey what can you do.

As of right now I am on tour with some other high rising stars. I have the number two song on the charts. I also have a platinum album coming out in a few months.

The thing is though..I am sixteen. I feel like I need somewhat of a life. Just the other day I met this boy. He came up to me in a restaurant I was eating at for brunch. He seemed like he did not even recognize me. He ran into me on the way to the bathroom. He told me I was so beautiful in those strappy sandals. I blushed and did that laugh I do. I started to mingle with him. Then I asked if he wanted my number. I never give out my number. But I liked him. He was nice, charming, well mannered, and polite. So I gave it to him.

He ended up calling me when I was in the studio on break. He told me he would like to take me out to dinner. I told him it would have to be when I could find time. So he asked when would be good. I told him..tonight. He stuttered and told me that I was making him feel to happy right now. He said he could not wait.

I thought to myself on how I was going to go tonight. I had to write song lyrics, practice my chords, and get fitted for my tour arrival in New York. I did not know how. But I was going to do it.

When I sneaked out my grand hotel front doors. They swung like a wild stallion, as I walked out. It startled me and I fell on the cement in front. I heard snickers in front of me. He was laughing that I fell. I got up and looked at him. He told me I did look beautiful. I laughed.

I told him lets get going already.

We went to this high end restaurant with fire lights in luminous colors that hanged from the entrance. When we got up the fourth floor. He held my hand and escorted me to our table. I felt like a princess. I wore a gold and light pink gown with the strappy sandals he liked...of course. He gazed at me the whole time, like I was his charm. He even fed me the disgusting caviar. I hated caviar. I may be famous..but not pruny.

When we finished up he took me up to the lounge on the sixth floor. It was on the balcony. When we got there no one was to be seen. It was just me and him on the balcony. He then took me to the far ledge and we looked at the city below. He flirted with my hair, and started to kiss me on my neck brace. Then I inched my face towards his and started to kiss him. We exhumed so much of our passion for one another. He was holding my waste. He was kissing me. He was telling me sweet nothings. Then he stopped. He looked at me and merced me back a bit from him. He then got a grundged essence about him. He rested his palms bracing them over my chest forcefully. My feet midst the cold air.

Tribute Times

January 24 1994

Headline

Steller Young Star Commits Suicide

A young rising star named Sara Steller took her life the night before. She was seen at the Atrium Restaurant and Lounge around Nine PM.

No one knows why she might have been there but the fatal day as is for such a young girl.

She was found at the front entrance of the restaurant with her body in disseminated form. She was presumed dead on spot. No one knows why she would do such a demise. Her fans are disrupted and baffled. Every person across the country is in shock that such a happy beautiful girl would do such a thing.

Others believe that it was her overwhelming stardom that did the hastily deed. Many morn for her lost. She was a sensational singer with great immense talent. She will, more then anything be remembered for her humble sweet nature and good heart.

Memorial services will be privately held with her family acquaintances. Many are holding a tribute in the valley park along where she died.

Sara Steller...an angels voice that will never be forgotten.

Nestia

My number two pencil with cut down eraser has teeth marks to the tiling. I had my eyelashes close to one another and my face drowned in the composition book I was writing in. I looked up in open empty thought. Or more full then empty. I looked out and could see the dark outburst of street lights from down below and the window ten feet agust. I stayed in that open tolerant for enough to let my mind wonder. Then I took the two corners of my cheap but comfy blanket, and wrapped it over my shoulders tightly.

I started to write more of the things that have happened to me. Things that made me feel I had to write it down. The thing is I never write. But today...today I had to go to the little drug store on the corner in the cold air and get this notebook with fresh pencils...and make it old. If you were to see my pencils..my goodness. It did seem like I had written all my life.

I think it has been three or four months ago..and I am still in that state of shock and disposal. I took a trip to this country. I am not going to name it..so please don't ask. I went there to take a study on photography for a study I was doing with some students. I got there with a few coluges. They refused to go on the catty when we got there. So we took a more conventional lift. A bus. What a blah and unexiting thing. Oh well..when we came to this village where we were going to stay at for a few days, I saw Nestia. She had one to many stray hairs in her face, and one to many robes on her body. It looked like she had done some gruesome work and had to now greet us.

When she came up to me and the others. She lifted her robes and strayed hair. She looked to catch a small view of us, and welcomed us. I then met her brother-in-law, sister, and parents. They all looked well made, except for her. I felt a bit weird. If she had not looked so undistinguished. I may have felt okay with myself. I told the others that it was good we were leaving in a few days. They did not understand my feelings and distrought that is brought to me. I just was uneasy.

The first night that we stayed there was really eerie. I am a light sleeper unlike the others. I hear things no one else hears. I laid on my back staight..on this fur cot. I could not sleep anyway. The thing was filthy, and the air was grungy.

I heard footsteps, and murmuring crying. I did not know how to deal with this. I just listened. I heard lots of no's and echoes of hurt baring. I stayed up all night to this.

In the morning..I felt once again strange and weird. Even more then yesterday. When I came to this long stretched hallway and was rearing my way towards the front room entryway. Nestia popped up out of no where. She bowed to me and wondered endlessly off. I looked back at her, and felt sadness. I felt her loneliness and conformity. I felt alone for her. I felt something....

It has been two days and nights now, and we were about to head off and go home tomorrow afternoon. It was our last night there. I did not know that I would feel something so deep and painful that night, that..it would send me to write this right now.

I tried to get to sleep that night...but once again nothing was working. Not the long walks of taking pictures of everything in the villages, not the long hot sun that fizzled on us, not the disgusting food prepared for us. I just was not tired. I was tired of being here that's what.
I laid though, and looked to the ceiling with my eyes closed and my fingers twiddled. I heard it again. I heard the murmurs and moans of agony. I heard the no's and the banging. It was louder this time. So loud that it woke up my colleagues. We went and followed the noises quietly. We found it came from one of the rooms down the hallway.

We peaked to the noises..and it was an astonishing sight. I felt like I wanted to go to sleep now. I needed to leave and go now. So I told the others we needed to go back to our rooms till tomorrow and act like we saw nothing..absolutely nothing.

I did not sleep, or talk, or say anything to anyone all night or all morning. Then when it became time for us to leave..Nestia was being taken. She was wrestled outside and taken to the streets by her brother-in-law and her father. I felt I had to do something, but I didn't. They took her out in the streets with overbearing screaming from her lungs...it stopped..as well did I. I fell to my knees sobbing and crying. Asking why..but then I fearfully regained my composure and told my saddened and just as sorrowed others to come with me and leave NOW!

We took off in the bus that picked us up..without saying goodbye..without looking back. We left till we could not think..just cry.

When we got back...I cried still. I cried for a week. I cried for a month. Till now that I have been confined in my empty tall high rise apartment with the windows closed, dark as ever. I tell what happened. I tell how my heart tore in pieces that day.

The girl was slaughtered. She was stoned and beaten till her scalp and ribs showed. She screamed bloody murder till she had no lungs. They killed her. They killed her because they did wrong to her.

When we got up that night..we saw her get raped by her brother-in-law. We overheard in the morning that she warned them that she was going to speak of it. They did not let her...they killed her like she was a goat on the street. With even the villagers watching. I could not do nothing though..but leave. I was afraid of my life to.

My blanket dropped from my shoulders and I left slowly and walked to the window. My pencil dropped on my notebook..I looked out the elongated window that wrapped around my south wall. I opened the blinds a bit..and looked down. Five stories down. I saw her..I saw Nestia.

The Stall

The memory is something else in my mind. I was thinking our minds are so intricate to remember far back to a child to now. See you can remember something from a touch of something or a smell or taste. To remember a certain thing is hard to come by unless it hit your favorite spark in your membrane that craves for it. In this case it impouds in your mind for you to replay it in a off and on again button. There is far to many details in one persons life to all write down so we just write down what builds our lives and thoughts. Here is a thought to tell you or shall I say memory that seems weird to remember but I do like it was yesterday.

I would constantly follow this crowd wanting something out of them. I did not know what for have we not all felt envy. These girls, I mean they seem to be just ordinary girls on the outside but they were not. I was you know I am going to say it, an okay looking girl, but it seemed everyone looked up this crowd. There were three of them from the most shined on to the followers who shone in her shine.
I would follow them so much so that I did not even think I had a mind of my own and for just a moment I would want them to look at me and see that I get have a little glow to if they could spare. This was still playground days when you had recess and had two breaks.
I would laugh at there jokes and do my hair like them and copy there style. They did not even notice nor did they care, for they just assumed with all mighty power that I would and everyone else would worship them as well. I wanted to be them so bad. I was just a little girl and I should of had little girl dreams of ponies and party dresses but this took over my being. I would stay up all night looking at myself in my reflection in a mirror and pick point all that was wrong with me. I would cry and see all the imperfections, and that I could never be equal to such beauty and royalty as they were. I came up every day with a list wrotten down of things to say to them, jokes to make them laugh or activities I can have them do to like me. They did not even speak to me and laughed and made fun of me if I did.

One day it was our graduation from elementary to middle and I was in the nicest fitted skirt with blue flowers at the pink lillies that layed at the top. I wore a white blouse and my hair knotted in a french braid half way up and the rest straddled breathlessly down the sides of my face. I felt so beautiful for once. The girls crowded around me when I was sitting drinking punch in a foam cup, and one of the followers flung the cup up and the red dye drowned my ruffled skirt. I felt tears ready to poor, but then I was off struck. The main queen bee took me by the arm with the followers holding me by the other and forced me into the metal plated stalled bathroom. They THREW me in there. I was astonished cause I was weak and never fought back. I tryed to pry the door open but it did not work. They were all at the door leaned against it with all there might like as if I was a wild animal of some sort. I then gave up trying to escape and cried myself into a lone stall in the bathroom and shivered for it was cold and the cement fringed me frozen. I rolled back and forth my body to comfort myself. I then fell to sleep in agony and wanting nothing for this to just be over with.
I stayed there till the morning cause it was possible for the girls to lock it from the outside. The janitor came to find me alone and cold asleep against the wretched stenched toilet and stall wall. Then there was police and my parents standing at the doorway. The officers wrapped me in a blanket and looked at my wrists. I did not know why they did this till now. They did this to check to see if I killed myself for this was the most horrid thing a little girl can go through.

I had blocked this out of my mind and never looked back on this memory till recently looking back on life. I never like to think of trauma I went though or people and there trama, I help others with it, cause I know there is always a reason for these things. Life is giving you a hard shove into another direction in life. It wants you to explore new choices and perspectives. I learn from everything in lfe even if it takes me a while to concieve.






Snicker's



That yellow school bus that I hid myself on the far left corner of the grey cold metal,
I could see my reflection in the frigid glass and told myself I was a loser and and my presence was fatal,
I could not stand myself my name my look,
I would stay up in my quilted bed some nights and stare at my freckled cheek bones and wonder how I existed as I shook,
I shook off the feeling of emptiness of abandonment, the way people would see me on the corner of that white chipped painted wall,
Alone in a bountiful of people not even knowing how I wanted so bad to change that day when I got implanted for call,
To this cruel universe that makes me feel as if I was not excepted, I would spend my time thinking of words to say,
I wanted others to join me in the crowd to tell me I was okay and they wanted to converse with me,
But all I did was silently whimper in the shadows of my room even to mid and try to set myself free,
From the worries that impacted me every day, just as that April day,
When the snickering over powered my very will I could not do nothing, not even to say,
I was lunged into that stench in the tiled bread brown stall,
Feminine hands reaped on the blue limbered door as as I shriveled away from all,
They captivated me in there, not letting me out, they had decided that's where I will be,
I could not even hear myself screaming out, I was in a daze as the mirrors clouded what was in front of me,
I was just a girl then, but till this day to think of that anguish shrivels me to a pin needle,
It brings all me to tears of rivers to think how cruel small children can be as it stays with you,
My heart will never recover from the breath that I never took as I grew,
I still sit there on that engraved discolored bench,
As I watched the people flourish from my pain that I was yet to mench.

An Angelic Smile

The lives in content equality are shrouded by discomforts. To see it you would know of such sweetness of an angel leave a place of destruction as kneeling Ashia forms before her. I saw it one day driving to bleed the morning traffic. I was a busy bee at best to describe in a fashion so mellow. I think I was in lust at the time but I do not remember for this one halo cracked my whole meaning I lived in.

I think I cried at the image for months and years and still it still plays in my head in vibrant colors. I saw her so tiny and helpless.

Up this long and narrow street with cracks in the corners and far as thy could see. The bay area usually if you have been there never takes care of its streets. So pitch black is there paves but not as black as when I saw her face from the glow that gloomed through her aura that faded so quickly.

Driving safely as I always do and just getting back from collage forum and the millions of dandelions of paper work to exhume. My mind was trying to set free of such stress of the normality. I was freeing my mind to the scenery of San Fran and the mist tingled air as it blisters through the crevices of the windows.

Then I saw her on the corner of fith and 21st street she was in this ivory trimmed and pink morning glory girlie spring dress with her black straight hair hanging low to her midst of her back. She had a band to show her out going childish face of the tiny beauty of a three year old. She even had a dangled sunlit charm that rested on her wrist. She was drowning in the most gorgeous beauty I have ever seen in a little girl before. I could not take my eyes off her. She stood there so elegant on the corner light. I had my car on the far left lane of the left side of the to inter passing streets. So as the red glare of the light with me waiting, I just gazed at her, and she saw me do this and gazed at me with such a stare it caught me breathless. She smiled like the first angel I have took a glimpse of. She stood there in a gaze at me as for I to.
She suddenly saw that the light streamed the walking sign for her, then I noticed something odd, her guardians were no where in sight. She started to walk accross the street alone, hesitating so easily foward off the sidewalk and onto the street. And with the first few steps. My hand gripped instantly to my door handle. A truck running through a red light, streamed though the street and her smile and cascaded dress flew to the air. I saw an angel fly to heaven that day. Right before she got hit, she gave me a smile, the biggest smile from ear to ear, as if saying I will fly now and you will be my savior. I was the first one to rush to her, as I held her limbless body in my hands. She no longer had the glow or smile, for her soul was in the heavens. I cried for I felt like it was my fault for not saving her. But she was gone before she even stepped foot in the street. She was just giving her blessing to me before she left. Her parents later came. They were dying in agony of there lost. They were Japanese and were on visit there and in Japan they only can have one child. So they lost there only child. I do not know how they felt when they lost her, but I feel like she was in some other life a daughter to me. I did not even know her, but I will always remember her. Rest in peace beautiful blessing of a child angel. For what I would do to see your smile again.


Angelic Smile

You a beauty like no other,
With your blessing I felt like your mother,
Beauty UN tainted by the harms of sins,
You touched every soul with your laughter and grins,
Blessing from above you are,
You will always be my undying star,
Please my angelic smile,
Stay within my arms for a while.

Orphan

I remember when she crumbled down to her knees cause she had to see her life fall before her. It hurt so much to see her pale face limp down and not even look at me and drown her self in her long on going hair. I smelled her hair that day. I hid under it and tried not to think of the surroundings that were happening before us. Her hair smelled like the first fresh cut of daises on the day of the morning spring showers of February. I did not notice that her hand laid limp on my shoulders as the blood bled through my faded green shirt making it a deep stingy smell horrid through my nostrils. My brother was cradled in her right arm and a routine lullaby was sang to him. "Hush baby...hush please...huu", she could not finish she was to involved in the depth depression she was over croding her mind. I did not say a word to her in this time cause I felt she would sink to her realities that we were here and her sorrows were to much for us. I could not tell her that if it was not for her aroma of her shadows of locks breathing over my head, I think I would have told her I wanted to jump out of the window over there and leave this dark trinity.
My mother was beat that day and we were left. I call my mom Serene because I feel her name is her and says so much more about her then the simple name mom does. Serene was everything to me, and so was my brother Zach. I did not know him to much yet, for he was only two months old. But he was an angel I could tell at first sight.
My Serene...her blood and veins lay before me and all I could think was the hate I felt for the birds. The birds outside chirping the most happy cheerful song. I said to myself in tyranny, "Why does god want to play happy tunes to what just happened." My mother was beat by my father and he just left us and abandoned his promises and lies come to play. I am only eight but I was afraid of this time, and felt like I knew more then my mom did about the situation. I saw her drowning and burying herself in the corner of the room like a dead emotionless zombie saying or making no squeak though. She looked like a figure that took human form but was covered as if in molasses poured over her, in blood.
After it was all over the molasses drenched me. My mother died that day and a dead angel took over her body. And as for I, I lost and became a orphan in my mothers eyes.

His soul laid there in blue thin sheets wrapped around his innocent helpless body. He was gone and I went with him. My only sibling was murdered by the animal called father. Angel wings went hovering over his body. I became nothing that day, and lost my true meaning to the world in an age of seven. They never found him, and my mother graved her tomb in later years in a mental institute for her mind and soul was lost.

Zach please come back,
For the day you left I descended,
My heart will never heal, never be mended.

I still dream of you Zach,
And the days of bliss will be forever in miss.

You are safe now, but now I am not,
For I to want to lay caught in the death angels to be brought.

Sing for me birds for my journey is now ending and am going to stop attending.

Graveyard Shift

I have been in this deranged society for about two months. I have been trained to do things I never thought I would ever succumb to do. These people were alone and some people may see them as insane at times but they were like any other person, and the scary thing was sooner or later that would be me. We all come to be this, and we soon come to fact that we just want it to be over with. In fact we beg for it to be over with.

I worked the grave yard shift for the past week and I think I have cried every time I leave this place for home. This job did not pay and was a volunteer position to get to a higher position with pay. I felt like the energy and soul I had before this is now crumbled and week and maybe even a coward. I do not even you could handle this job. To handle such a heart wrenching job, you have to be an angel and a gift from god.
Before I took on night shift I had worked a day shift. I met this woman that I took care of and I read to her every day and sat beside her reading her favorite book, " The treasured writings of Kahl Cibran."
I remember reading this verse that said, "This is life. Portrayed on the stage for ages; recorded earthly for centuries; Lived in strangeness for years; Sung as a hymn for days; Exalted for but an hour but the Hour is treasured by eternity by a jewel." She would say that she was that jewel and always felt like that jewel, but that her light was dimming and was ready to be a rock no longer a jewel she once was.
These days with her were loving and thoughtful as well as sad for me, but not as sad as other days. The days when I would give her a bath and she would literally force her head in the water and try to drown herself till I have to use all my strength to pull her head out as the medics give her the shots to calm her down.
Those days I would have to take at least a five minute break in the bathroom and quietly cry.
She, even with her lashing out at me somedays saying she wants me to kill her, had the hugest and strongest soul I have ever seen in anyone. She told me before she got as cripled and old as she was, she was a Phisical Education teacher and she loved to run every day. Now I have to dip her arms in legs in wax every day so that she can not feel the pain of the atheritis taking over her bones. She also had bad asthma and had trouble breathing.
One day when I was giving her new sheets for her bed and feeding her breakfast as well as reading to her, she said, "Darling, I want to give you something. You are the only person I trust here and understands me. You are also the only family I have who comes to see me, even though you are no relative, you still are family to me. I want to give you this bookmark of impressed flowers. I had this since I was a little girl and my mother gave it to me when we were in Germany before she died." A trickle of a tear arose under my lid,and I said, "Thank You."
I then in every day came to see her and read to her, even after hours when I did not have to work. She was my best friend, as I was hers.

Within a week or two, I got transfered to the graveyard shift. She was devastated that she no longer saw me during the day. I heard stories from my co-workers that she refused to be seen by anyone but me. I could not see her though at night, for all elderly needed to stay in there rooms and get there rest. I had the duty to check on them and pass through the hallways to hear if they were okay and all were sound asleep.
The womans name I took care of was Windy and she was the only one I would constantly go by her door. Within another few weeks though, Windy got ill.
Her asthma got worse and her artheritis got to be dreadful to live through. On my night shift I would sneak in her room sometimes and read to her, as she was sleeping, but as I truly knew she was not. She knew I knew she was not sleeping, it made me happy to read to her.
As time progressed she got more and more ill. Her cough was atrocious and was hard to bare. As I was walking by through the hallway one night listening to hear her cough that echoed through the hallways, my heart sank as I did not hear it for an hour or so. I panicked and started fast walking to a gradual running to her quarters. I opened the door to her room, and it felt empty and lifeless like something had left. I saw a gold chain fall over the book I read to her. The necklace was the only thing I saw that glowed in the room now. As I quickly inched near my feet stopped in intant in the creases of the floor. I saw her face with a smile that had no glow but had the most distiguished smile I had ever seen. She was clutching her book of poems that she had once written that I read to her over and over agian because she became blind after the years.
She had left and went to a place she wanted to be finally. I was sad and happy for her all at once. Tears drowned my med uniform. I had never loved anyone as much as I loved Wendy. Then I looked over to the gold chain locket neclace and there was a note beside it. I read it and it said, "Dear sweet love, I knew you would come and find me, as you are always at my door checking on me, you were a blessing from above my dear. Because of you my soul has been set free, all I needed was family, and you are it. All I needed before I was to leave was to have happiness here on earth, even for a short while, and now I am seeking happiness elsewhere. Thank you. The locket that I have left you has picture of the daughter I had lost tragically when she was four. I want you to put your picture beside hers, you are a daughter to me, and replaced what I had lost. Bless your soul and forever you will find peace. Love Windy."

Finding Peace

Never give up for angels surround,
For others in situations die without a sound,
They live there lives in grace,
Even at the last stretch of the race,
Be there for everyone and use virtue,
For that will be you someday lying in the dark dew,
let your soul be free now as you ran your last mile,
For tears came to my eyes to see you finally happy and smile.

The Other Side

The Other Side..

I lay here motionless and tired as I will ever be. I get up slowly, and my neck in a knot from sleeping on it wrong. I am sore from the bottoms of my feet and my hands need to be cracked and my back is twisted. I wish I could just lay back down and dream of the little nothings that fill my head in deep sleep wrapped in the somewhat scented sheets. I walk steadily upwards and look to the view out the palm tree and sunny morning view window sill. I am blinded by the light and quickly close the blinds. I walk wearily through the room and head towards the bathroom. I wash up, splashing water on my face just to see my reflection. I head outside to the living room where the on going routine proceeds with my wife cleaning, my son crying in the distant room, and my daughter scarfing food down in the high chair. I head to the kitchen and eat breakfast served in the microwave from the morning when she cooked it for me. It was the afternoon, and in an hour I would have to leave for work. I eat it all not leaving a morsel and without looking at her or saying much as a word for I was tired beyond comprehension, and then head to the bathroom once again. I took a shower and dressed in my white buttoned down shirt hanging on the bathroom hook on the door, and my black suede shoes on the corner of the closet door. I tucked in my shirt in my black work pants and I yelled for my belt, for I could not find it. She went and grabbed it for me in the closet. Without a word again, I opened the front door and left for work. I drove twenty miles down to the restauraunt, and tied on my apron as I entered the place. It was busy today so I had my pen handy in my apron pocket and took orders constantly through out the hours on end. One person asked for the manager because I did not get her order on time, so I was written up, and apologized for the delay for it before hand, but the lady did not care. Money was taken out of my pay check and I went on with my day taking orders and carrying out food to the customers. My shoes were starting to ride on my ankle and made blisters on the heel of my foot. I still gave out food with a smile, even though I had a migraine from this.
After work I was sore but wanted to relax, and did not want to go home to a desperate wining wife so I went out and got a beer with my friends at TGI Fridays. I stayed there for a while and then was invited at around midnight to go to a house party. I went and eventually got drunk and stayed over. I came home to seeing my desperate woman lying asleep in the hallway. I moved her over with a little force , as I was tired ad passed out on the bed in our room. I woke up with her sleeping on the ground in the middle of the day because the kids were asleep taking a nap, and I guess she did not want to bother me. She thought she was always doing something wrong, in which she was, as she was the biggest clutse ever. She loved me but I did not care so much for her, just felt obligated. I mean I was married to her. So I let her think what she wanted, but she knew I would go out at night and not be with her early the next morning. I would not say I loved her because I did not feel it, so I was honest I felt at least. She was ennoying a t times to. I would just try to block her out though. Anyways, I walked over herself on the floor and head for the bathroom again, sighing on the way because of a nightmare at work I had again. I am always worried I am not going to make enough money for my family or be fired from a customers complaint. I always went to work on time though, and did my jobto the best of my abilities. Last night though was far to long, considering my six month old baby girl stayed up all night crying. I could not sleep, I waited for my wife to get her down and make her stop, but I laid there waiting for hours. I then decided it was enough and hit the baby lightly on the leg a bit, to make her know she could not cry. She whimpered and stopped after ten minutes and was asleep. I hate that my wife can not simply do her mom duties since she has no job and has nothing better to do but take care of her children. It makes me so mad to see how horrable she does things. Always something wrong, and then I have to get after her like a little girl to show her how to iron my shirt perfectly and clean the bathroom perfect and cook good. She is so worthless, and I have no idea why I married her. I have to live with it I guess, I mean at least I have another girl at night I can go to for other qualities that she lacks in.
I been gooing to work now for a seventy hour work week,and the tips are a bit low lately and my wife has been on me lately about getting the diapers and what not. She is also on top of that a depressing person that constantly lately has been nagging about me, and whether or not I love her, when I tell her she knows the answer and that question will not be asked again.
I start to get fed up with everything, and now we have to pay rent and get diapers and food. I came home late at night one day and decided not to enter the apartment. I look back to my car and the money in my wallet with the slight open of freshly folded bills. I think about the crying and wining from my family, and then I stop in my tracks and head back to my car. I open the door and sit in the drivers seat for a while staring at the dash board. I thought to myself and and looked at the car seats in the back. I looked out to the grass and the curb through the window. I then turned the ignition on, and started to drive.


I woke up to thinking he was going to be in the bed in the room,so I did not bother to go in. I started my daily routine of cleaning the house and cooking his breakfast. Then I gave my kids there baths and clothed them. Then I fed them and when it was time to put my daughter down for her nap I rocked her lightly to sleepin my arms as my son watched TV. Since her crib was in the room, I went into the room. I opened the door and he wasn't there. My heart sank a bit but then, I said well he must be with his girlfriend. It hurt to think about stuff like that, but it was the truth and I just passed it through my head as something I just would have to live with. I loved him but the did not love me, I just had to deal with it. I put my daughter down to sleep and then found my son asleep in the living room. I cleaned up a bit and took a shower with the bathroom door open so I could hear my babies in case they cried. After all I was the only one there. I waited till it was in the afternoon, and then I got worried. He has not come back and he has to work today. I cried to myself through the house for I was unsteady and did not know what to think. He would not answer his phone and went straight to voice mail.
I finally got a hold of him at one in the morning, and he told me he was tired of everything and was taking a plane back to his home country. He said I would have my life to myself now and the kids were mine. He then hung up, I tried calling him back minutes later but it said the phone was disconnected or no longer in service. He left me and I would never see him again after that day. Me and the kids went to a shelter, and I ended up getting a job. He was the only person I had loved, even how much he hurted me or put me down, I still loved him. Maybe it was an attachment, but I guess I am over it now. Me and my kids now have a apartment alone, and they never saw there dad again.


The life that I had with my wife and kids is long gone and I am finally happy to live a life of my own in my home country without the stresses of family business.
I can finally be with many girls and have them fit my needs to my satisfaction. I never hear from my past life ever again. She was so worthless and I hated being married.






..

Do You See Me



..

Do you see me tearful eyed on those scrunched up sheets as I shiver, No you don't I am now strong like that overpowering flowing through your veins river, Do you see me in the corner of the room in a ball, No you don't I am on that top of that building standing tall, Do you see me breathing rapidly not being able to conceive, No you don't you see me reaching my goals as I achieve, Do you see me with my limbs so numb and weak, No you don't you see me climb to the top legs so shaped on that top of that peak, Do you see me embarrassed for feeling alone, No you don't cause I am not I have a soul now as the light has now shone, Do you see me writing you meaningless letters, No you don't because you see me as the most capable of caretaker's, Do you see me wanting you and needing you, No you don't cause I am different and can stand on two feet so elegant so true, Do you see me saying those three words anymore, No you don't for that day is gone and have finally chose the correct door.

Crush

I twindle my fingers silently as I look at his straggly few morsels of hair take over his baldness. I then notice his nostrils flare out every time he talks. I focus now on the far end wall across the metal plated desks and the wooden materials on the far desk next to the far wall. I look at the wall in the left top hand corner and notice that it had a cluster of scratchings that peeled off the old paint. I just stared at this for a depressing ten minutes. I then gazed down with my eyes about halfway from that mark in the wall to a gorgeous most wonderful girl I have ever met. I gaze at her not for ten minutes but for a mila second and punch my eyes down to the corduroy back pack that had white out sketchiness and traces on the edges of the bottom creases. I buried my thoughts into myself. When class was over I head to out to the hallway and slender my arms hanging deadly besides my plaid shirt and khaki pants. I then dragged my under average body through the hallway trying to look like the loner I was. I had a hard life I felt if anyone were to trade places with me they would end up screaming there heads off in insanity. Everyday I would come to school with this over weight backpack with the wheels on the bottom and these thrift store shoes and wonder everyday if she will ever notice me. The only thing that kept me going everday was this girl that held my heart so dearly. Although she probably did not even know I existed I still went on sane all because of her. We had five classes together and we would of had six but I was smarter in math and had a higher class then her. I would look at her off and on trying not to look like a jerk and just view her blushing skin and her dark wavy hair straddle her face as the heavens do with the clouds on the sun. I wanted her to notice me but it seemed impossible. I was really shy and it seemed she was to, but I felt she was so much better then I. I was such a loser and did not talk to anyone. Why would she even glance at me for even a question. So I would live my days just holding on to the string that was not woven and I tried so hard to hold onto it.

I went about the day from being mortally depressed and run down to going home and being even lower. I had two brothers and both were an aww for my dad. As soon as I would step off the bus and walk to deadly walkway of my house I would be tormented by my brothers before they left for there work. They were older and felt that I was a girl and would never be a man. I think what caused there ego to rise so much was the ultimate person that would conduct such behavior to be exceptable. I would clean the house and do my homework until my dad would come home and yell at me screeching of how he made a mistake with hisa last son and he wish the gods would take me back. He would tell me to stop with what I am doing and go to his blasted work and help him out everyday. He said it would make me a semi man that I am suppose to be. I went everyday with him after school and lifted weights and bars and carry dirt and hammer away. I would do all this with no pay but an ego of manhood for whatever that is. If I did something wrong he would yell at me and call me the dirt under a rock that gets no sunshine, cause I was the lowest of lows. He would then swing at me and hit me till I got the point in what he was saying.

I went to school like I had no life and I was made for the earth to just bag on how horrible I contribute to it. If it was not for Lisa I don't think I could make it day to day, let alone the treacherous weekends. One day with the endless desperation of the day I got on the bus and was entirely exhausted from the five miles ran today in PE and entered my house. I walked hazily through the door and head through the hall with my back pack clinged lifelessly by my fingers as it plummets to the hard wood ground. I fall endlessly upon my bed and rest.

I woke up with the sharpest blunt feeling I ever felt. Rouge blood fell to the ground along with my shoulders and body. I then got struck three or four times by him on my shoulder blades and kicked with the sharp hurtful pain in my ribs and I just looked at the old nail that stuck in the wooden floor just as I was. I wanted to die right there and for it to kill the pain that was hurting even more then these blunted bruises given to me. He silently moved back and looked at me as my vision focused on him in delirium. He said in soft serious sharp tone, "You better fucking come to work everyday from now on, I do not care if you are tired!" I nodded and with an out of body response and said I will I promise. He left without a hesitation that I would do anything wrong after such an act of desperation and heartless beating. I scrambled to my feet and went upon the rest of the day waiting for the next.

It was the next day and here I was with scrapes of dried blood and bruises on my left eye lobe and my head indented in. I came to the bus stop got on the bus with stares of repulsing. I came off the bus and the inching step I set upon school coming grounds I started to walk back. I did not want Lisa to see me like this. I wanted her to see me as the loser I was not the disgrace I was. My house was five miles back and it was forty degrees outside. I still walked and I could feel the frozen breezes hit my wounds on my face. I finally got home with my body and mind numb. I walked slowly in my doorway and with my handle of my back pack swinging low it thudded on the tile floor of the kitchen. I walked through to the garage and scrambled to find the open three feet stool. I grabbed it and went to take it to my room. I went in my room and placed the stool on the left shadowed corner of my room. I then went to the closet and took off my shirt and my khaki pants. I fumbled through my clothes and at the very end of the hanging clothes I consumed I grabbed the light blue polo shirt. I ironed it and put it on, and then took the black trousers and belt and fastened to neatly and steadily. I then went to the restroom and washed off the dried blood on my face and gelled my hair. I looked at myself briefly and thought this is what I would of worn if I ever had a date with her. I then went back into the garage and searched for the a hook and drill. I stood on the stool and drilled the hook deep in the left part of my cornered ceiling. I then went to the kitchen and found a boy scouts tied rope. I wrapped it around the hook and head back through the living room hallway. As I was passing through the hallway I knelt down for a moment in fetal position and cried with soft tears and no sound. I then got to my feet and grabbed the metal clip.

Everyday I wait for him, and his presence. I wonder what he does after school and how I could ever get the guts to talk to him. I admired how he could draw anything and write intense novels in English. I was to shy though to come to the bravery to talk to him. I loved him, but was to nervous to speak anything. I could never tell if he ever glanced a stare my way, but I sure did when he was not looking. I had the biggest crush on him. Today when I came to school I knew it was his birthday and had gotten up the strength to talk to him finally. I wanted to wish him happy birthday. He was not here yesterday and was hoping he was here today.

The first period that I had with him was art and he was absent, then the school as soon as I got there was escorted to a rally. It was an announcement of a memorial for Jessie, and telling that his soul had left us yesterday morning. I must of died inside to hear this. He was the only thing I came to school everyday and the only thing I lived to for fill my loneliness.

The image below me is getting blurry and my hands are rendering numb. My hands are clenching free and my legs are tangling to crumbling in drowning depths of death. I breath my last thought of her gaze she gave me when I asked her for a pencil and her hazel and brown cornea's looking up at me. She looked down to pick up her pencil that she dropped and her barett fell off on the floor. She then blissed away in focus of the teacher and I picked up the clip. The metal and flowered barret. My hands went clenched cluttered and my fingers went free. The rope tightened around my throat muscles and glands. Blackness. Dark. Gone. The barret fell to the floor.

Hung for You

Troubles so deep your my life line, there but bleak,

Nothing for me here for I am crippled in mind and body to weak,

I dress for you and make you my last thought,

As I end the pain and the cowards who fought,

Love me or not, see me or speak,

I look for the devils freedom as I hold my dangled feet,

Lies under the the metal Barret,

Since we forever never met.

Soul Is There

"I can't find her, where is she?"
"Did you check in all the rooms before we left?"
"Yes!" "God damn it!" My side hurts and my legs are giving out, I can't go back Jen."
"Please, please, you have to Sammy!"
"We have to keep on going Jen, they are coming for us as we speak."
"I know this Sam, but she is everything to me, I can't just leave her, she has to be in there somewhere."
"No, Jen....I..I.I..Can't. Leave and go now, we still have time to save ourselves. I am grabbing you and taking you with me if you are not willingly going to go!"
"NORRAAAA!"
"Fuck Jen, please baby lets go! I want to see the tuscany when it comes from the cascading green ivory hills again, please baby we can be free."
"She is my little sister Sam!"
"Don't you think we should gratitude her by leading our lives to be free from the torment we all went through?"
"I can live with the fact that I left her with them, to be slashed into pieces and raped to dogs of hell."
"You are a man Sam and we were separated in quarantine from your whipping pain of labor they made you do. We were raped and slashed with knives on our legs and wrists."
"I went through the horrid to Jen, we need to leave here, she is gone to a better place now."
"No, I am going to find her, even if I end up not coming back."
"Please, don't, I love you. They will be back any moment now Jen."
"I know, and I will die with her. By Sam..."

I held my breath as I clutched her hand in mine. I would not let go for dear life. She took out her army knife and quickly cut my arm to budge free from my grip. She rushed off, as I screamed for her, knowing she was gone. I could not go back to the torment and horror that lead to the route behind. I cowardly fell to my knees in between the old stump and the hey of grass that was singed at the tips. I knelt under the hazy new morning and blood of flooding tears and gushing rum of bleeding concocted around my face and arms. I yelled to god and the heavens who look down on the theme that was playing under there eyes. I was dead inside but my soul was still lit and needed to move. I had to leave the house, the torture that held over and over for three gruesome months. The girls who kept me going are gone and I have to run for the sin of freedom.

Everyday in the cottage of death to come, we had to be slaves among others to men of hell on earth. They would feed us nothing and looked at us as toys of there underworld. I was in a separate room to translate of the foreign language of dutch. They were transports of a assumed presence of dastardly people a minisful land. I was whipped and bit and punched and torched in fire. One day I had not eaten and asked for a morsel of food, they never fed us a crumb. They looked at me like I was the dumbest rooster they had ever seen with his head cut off. A man with grey and brown hair that blended itself in a comb over and as tall as the doorway of about six feet, he wore a beige suit and looked at me and said, " Yee is a dim, nine kesh for yee." He then took his metal statue of small portion and swung it at my leg and mid thigh. I lost the feeling in my left leg now and have broken bones in probably most of all my mare and mangle. I did not scream or murmur a whisper of pain or agony. For my only agony was the screams and echoes from across the hall of two girls who were so fragile and innocent. There were some days where I would want to see there faces so badly that I would sneak past the guard at my door and reach for a glimpse. I saw there faces at one angle only after two months. They did not even look like humans, more like there souls and hearts had left and now they were just skin and bones with purple and blue reflections. I was in so much hurt of the whole reason why we were here. I had to have the family take a trip, just me my wife and her sister to Germany. It was my fault that we are here in this situation. If only I had stayed in our house in Houston where the creek ran behind our house and the dogs barked and the birds fluttered. I want to go back and release my pain to past. They would whip them and rape them and slash them to there liking. They had some deranged sick deluded minds to do such acts on beauties as they were. They were now nothing but memories, even if they were a hallway away. I could not even think that they even were there. I had to force myself to think that they were dead and I had to just endure the last days of my life as a slave or until I would demise within the casting of the napping.
When it was twelve to one, one night, and I was dazing off on the cement wood floors, Nora my wife's little sister came in a gown of see through silk with blood stains and hair tousled in knots. I could see her young breasts seethe though her clothing of bare. I was mortified at the distraught of her sight. I could barely hold the tears from seeing her as such. She was tearful eyed and was nervous and shaking, she said in panic whispers, "They are leaving, all of them in an hour. They have to package supplies for some village near by." I looked at her nervous and flustered in disbelief and excitement as she was. I said, "Leave now, go get your sister and we will start or venture out the back door down the right hand of the bottom of the stairs." She nudged her head, and left briskly and shakily.
An hour passed and sure enough they left. I met with my wife, or what was left of her. She was torn in places not known or shown. I told her sister to leave now while I lifted my wife up. She carried off with no words said but okay. Others that were quarantined left as well, with cuts bruises and burns to exceed in all particular places to be scoundered on. I carried her fast but steady down the steps and went out the patio door. I was running for about a half mile. Then she awoke, she flipped herself from her weak body and flailed herself to the strongest being I had ever seen. She looked at me with love to wonder from the depths of my heart to be unseen for my eyes only. I longed for that look forever. She looked and gazed with that face for only a split second, then looked around, and her smile went from the longest down frown a person could ever conceive. She panicked and so did I. She yelled in a quite but urgent tone, "Where is Norra?" Supposedly Norra did not make it out and fell into one of the traps that lay countered though out the house. They would lay traps in the floors that were minor but translucent. They were nails that were purposely lift up from he wood of the floor to catch our bare feet on if we were to escape somehow. I knew this, and did not tell her for I was in a rush and thought she knew.
I can not go back now, and they are gone. I miss them, I want to feel and smell them. I cant go back. I didn't and live the former life of played out with no tracings of my life with them.The only tracing is if you look in my eyes, you will see a reflection of a lost soul in the fields of singed grass with my interlocked hands with both of them. My soul lives with them and will always be in those fields in tomb.

Sclusives..

Crackling, rushing, wind, water, silver serene, blood, lungs, suffocation.

"NOOOO, Please mercy me, please Millly, we did not mean this, this...."

Crying, no mercy, no love, no hate.........REVENGE."

"Ppp...ppp.l...ll.eee.a.s.e..!"

Rustles of leaves...hands of gathering death of fragile abyss..she got what she came for.

Silence echoes through the forest air and the morning blackness arises under.


They walk in sink with there hair in pony tails and there back packs at the height of there backs. High school girls and there on going battle of clicks and rivalry.
I was the new girl and people noticed me for all the wrong reasons, competition for the girls of the precious popular pack.
"Hey Cindy, do you see her?"
"Who, the new girl? What is her name, her fucking stuck up attitude was hella giving me the bitchiest ego ever."
"I know, she is something else."
"I think we should be friends with her though Kel...I think if we get her in now she will be nothing later."


I came to school everyday with a all known smile on my face and a sparkle of known envy in others. I would come to the cafeteria hall and eat breakfast with the first seats of benches in front and meat up with the sclusive crowd. There was four of us and I was the newest included. We all wore the same things in different forms day to day. I would wear my blond streaked hair up in a high pony and my polished white sneaks and black back pack up high above the thigh we would call it. I was on top of it all I thought. The main attention was Kel. She had brown and burgundy hair that was always neat with a strand to spare. She was the one who took orders in the group. She was the one who pointed to whether she wanted a girl in the crew or not. The twining and identical of Kel was Cindy. She had red and blond hair with the same clothing and slenderness. She approved and asked for confirmation of things to Kel. Then the last before me was Carrie. She had brown hair as well but a more dirty brown with dark tones blended. She was the loudest and had a most rude tone in everything she said. She always pointed out all the things I would be doing wrong. She would always blurt out when I was around, "She is a follower and a cat scrathcher, not one of us." The girls would just laugh as I would smirk a grin of sarcasm. I had felt included but not included. I was there, and I did not care if I was the last of the sclusive, I was just glad I was in. I did not want to be one of the girls they would stick there head in the toilet or pull there hair in disapproval. I was afraid of them but looked up to them. For they were my fiends and I had no choice when they decided to include me. I knew if I did not take there inquiry they would make my life hell. When we would all walk in the hall on our lunch break the people would aww and stare. They knew who was the best in our crew and who was the last string to the kite. I knew people would probably call me crazy if I were to say I wanted more then this. But I did, I wanted to be loved for me. I never could speak my mind in the group or I would just get a jester of laughs. Cindy would tell me I should just shut my trap while they were gossiping about the boys and girls who they thought might be competition. Kel had much competition, but no one ever dared to approach her. She was dating the head jock of the football team named Jeramy. He was the most magnificent man or boy should I say in appropriate terms that I had ever laid eyes on. He had light brown hair with the army cut, tan skin, and blue grey eyes. I would not speak to him though, especially in front of Kel. She would be furious and probably never talk to me again. We would all go to the rally's and watch him play with his buddies on Friday nights. One time when we were at a rally and I was really gazing at his moves on the field, Kel noticed. She grabbed me by the wrist and took me in the back of the bleachers. She said, "Who do you think you are brat! I do not even like you, you know that. I hated you the first time I saw you walk in this school with your handy down clothes. You are a poor prostitute in waiting." I looked at her and was blank, I felt so weak. She then said, "You better put staples on those eyes becuase they will not be looking towards anywhere near him again!" I lightly discouraged a nudge and said, "Okay, I am sorry Kel, I was just watching the game is all." That was the end of that.
The crew would always after school go to the creek behind Carrie's house. We would sit there for a while and do our homework and discuss gossip. I remember how cold it would be there. The creek was not dirty either. It was silver and blue light sparkles that shone your reflection. I would take deep breaths when we would be there. I wanted to take in all of the scenery within my body to be consumed of serenity. There was times where I would look in the water and gaze in a day dream of him. He and I together, that was of course just a fantasy. Always when this would happen a shriek of Kels voice would rapture though my thoughts. It was like she knew what I was thinking about.

I think it was our third semester and we were in the middle of studying for finals, as this was our last year in high. I still felt the same as ever though. Not old or young. Kel and the group were still the same and I still was the lowest of followers for them. It was the day of the pre grad night party that Kels boyfriend was going to have at his house. I was dressed in a pink and salmon flowed up high above the thigh dress and silver slung on heels. My hair was longer now and had curls of soft texture at the bottoms of it. I drove to his house and entered in. I immediately saw Jeramy and Kel together at the bar kitchen. She saw me and immediately turned away. I head over to Cindy outside with Carrie and conversed a while. I then decided to go sit down with the crowd of people starting to get me dizzy along with the rigid music and the fumes of alcohol of a mere drink and a half. I sat at a corner of a ledge by the pool. I did not notice till a few seconds after that Jeramy was heading my way. Without Kel. I just thought he might ask where she was or something. He looked at me and sat down in close proximity of my linings of my dress as it cascaded down the ledge. He looked at me and said, "You are just breathtaking." I started to feel my heart rush and my hands shake. He said, "Why don't you ever talk to me?" I said, "I don't know, you are Kels boyfriend." He turned away and said while looking off, "I like you Milly. I think I have always liked you from the moment I saw you." I started to feel woozy and dizzy again. He then turned to face me and kissed me brushy and gently on my lips. I felt like I was going to faint. He then took my hand and headed to the back entrance of his house and head up the escalating stairs to his bedroom. We did it, we made love. This was my first time ever. He was so gentle and sweet to me. The night was old and I head out to the calling of Kel for him. Nothing happened as I laid it out, and nothing will come of this.
The next day I walked in and went to the sclusives with no hesitation but a bit nervous that lay beneath my skin. I could tell there was something different in the group but could not make a theorem of it. We went through the day at school the same as always. Then when it came to the end of the bell and I walked out the front skimmed doors I walked in sink once again with the crew. Then when we were at the graveled lone walkways of tall rising trees to the creek of routine reelings my sight became pitch black. I was pushed and shoved in forcefully towards through the walkway with my hands and body held by there hands and a rice sack over my head. I was stumbling through with the rope that they knotted with a girl scouts knot that braided around the sack around my neck. I was scared and terrified and screamed in torment. They were cursing at me to shut up. Then I could sense the creek air and the willows of leaves that would breath of lilies in the background. Then they stopped the rushing and I was put to foot in place. I screech of voice I knew so well said, "You are a cunt and a prostitute just like I said, and you will now no longer fill this world with your nasty deeds." I felt now as I scurried and moved briskly with my body to be set free, water filled my sneakers. The hands were still locked in. Silver water cold and warm touched my skin. I let my breath of mercy go and knew this was my time. It was cold and there grip tightened. The water filled the sack and my hair soaked up liquid. My lungs let go and the water sunk through. Legs limp and hands gone, brain numb. It was my time now.

"Hey Cindy do you see her?"
"Who the new girl?"
"Lets be friends with her."

The air was warm and the sun was out. The light zoomed through the trees and the gravel kicked up with all four of there sneakers. They made it through the pathway and the new girl said, "Hey you guys does it seem a bit cold?" "Are you dumb, it is hot.",said Kel. They made there way through the fence opening and head to the creek. The girl in a nervous tone said, "It is cold." Cindy said, "Shut up already." They sat align in the same sink positions across the creek made ledges. Then all the girls got cold. The breeze of warmth turned into a wind. The water started to vibrate in opposite motion of the wind. The leaves fell through to the horizon of the wind. The waters turned from silver to grey to black as the street pavement. Then the three sclusives were harrowing over the ground, there necks started to make a crease and indentation in there brace. Then a figure arose eerie through the waters ledge. In black grey tones of mold and blood of rot that greased upon it. The tone of colors in consisted was riveting and frightful. It did not have a face or a presence, just a determination it diluted in the waters. It had a rope that slung in movement in the water from the bringing on top of the blurry above and around where its face would be. The new girl was set to mercy as she ran off in the distance not looking back. The air was frigid and the trees billowed in on the excitement of hallows of water. Then the face draw near as the pony tail still rung up on top of its skull. It was familiar now who or what it was to there eyes.


Crackling, rushing, wind, water, silver serene, blood, lungs, suffocation.

"NOOOO, Please mercy me, please Millly, we did not mean this, this...."

Crying, no mercy, no love, no hate.........REVENGE."

"Ppp...ppp.l...ll.eee.a.s.e..!"

Rustles of leaves...hands of gathering death of fragile abyss..she got what she came for.

Silence echoes through the forest air and the morning blackness arises under.

Peace.

Empty Quarintine

Awake:
"Angelice good morning!"
Awake:
"Angelice?"
Awake:
"Where are you?"
Panic:
"Angelice! Sydney! Cory!"
Running:
"You guys where are you?"
Searching:
"Please tell me where you are!"
Yelling:
"Angelice!!!!"
"Sydney!!!!"
"Cory!!!"
Driving:
"Why are there no cars on the streets?"
Panic:
"Where are all the people? Why are all the stores empty? Why does my cell phone not work?"
Crying:
"Where am I? What happened? Why am I the only one here?"
Alone:
"I want to know what is going on!"

Rubbing my eyes, stuck together from deep sleep in late hour dawning I look out my window blurry and still tired. I head past my wife sleeping so beautifully and toggle down stairs to the kitchen. I get a mug of coffee and call for my kids to join me. It was one of those Mondays where I was just wiped out from a late meeting with the corp. I see my daughter and son who are twins but look completely different. My daughter grabs her lunch and so does my son out of the fridge and passes by me without a good morning. Then I scream out in urgency, "Good morning you guys!" They turn around and say, "Sorry dad, we are in a hurry, the bus us about to leave." I told them to hurry then and that I love them. They laugh back, "We love you to silly dad." The door closes behind them and I start getting ready for work.
It is almost time for me to head out to work and my wife is about to leave for the Hospital(she is a nurse). I give her a peck on her lips before we both head into our cars and tell her I loved her. She said, "You better be
home today, try not to work overtime."I nodded with reassurance. I
then drove off to work as so did she.


When I got to the doors at my work in the corp executives building for human environment detecting research. I must always slap a high five to the guard at the door, Mat was his name. I head into the office and start to organize the paper work for the lab research for today. Me and my detecting group are trying to figure micro organisms that multiply in the humid environment today that eat on the insides of the human muscles and organ tissue. In Guatemala it has gotten to be contagious and deadly these bugs we call tickers. Supposedly when interacted and diseased by these organisms they chew, swallow, and spit out the muscle tissues and organs inside your body. Therefore giving you a time limit if exposed to these bugs of about five hours exactly. Then you turn red green hues on your skin and die. We are hoping the word of this disease does not get out to the public press before we find out a cure for it. The objective is to combine acid with leaves of caradopia in the rain forests of Nashi and use the liquid drops from the nucleus of the leaves and confine a antidote.

After a long hard day at work I had looked at the time and it was so late it exasperated my thoughts. All I could think of was my wife being pissed at me for missing the Survivor show. I then got home and everyone was asleep already. I felt disappointed in myself. There was nothing I could do though but go to sleep and start another day at the corp. I snuggled upstairs beside my wife. I then reached for her but she nudged away from me. She was a bit aggravated from the fact I did not come home and be with the family. So I fell asleep and waited for the morning.



I woke up and I sort of just sat there on the bed ledge. I then brushed my eyes and headed toward the bathroom to wash my face. I then came back in the room to where my wife was sleeping and said, "Angelice good morning!" I then was in astonishment that she was not in the bed. I said in question, "Angelice?" So I headed down stairs thinking she was in the kitchen and nothing. Then I checked the backyard and the garage. I did not find her as I was calling, "Where are you?" So then I went into my kids rooms thinking they would know or that she might be in there rooms, ""Angelice! Sydney! Cory!"
I didn't find them. "You guys where are you? Please tell me where you are!" I then started to panic and got blurry in my paranoia, I screamed, "Angelice!!!Sydney!!!Cory!!!!" So then I decided it was enough with the damn house and headed towards my car to find them. My wife's car was still in the driveway. So I did not get where they were. As I was driving I realized there were no cars on the streets driving with me. "Why are there no cars on the streets?" I then went to every store near us and no one was in them, "Where are all the people? Why are all the stores empty?" I then decided to drive to my work and see if anyone was there. I drove in rapidly and no cars or anyone to be seen. I opened the doors wildly and rushed into my office. Nobody was there, I was alone. I screamed in fright, "I want to know what is going on!"Then when I tried to use my cell
phone to call her it wasn't working, it just gave me a busy tone. "Why
does my cell phone not work?" I then drove about fifty miles out and
all the stores and freeways and roads were empty. "Where am I? What
happened? Why am I the only one here?" I decided to lay my thoughts out for a moments rest at a nearby football field that my family used to go to on the weekends. I was covered in the emptiness of extinct feelings and the dust down below of nothingness. I sat there in one of the chairs in the stadium and stared out to insanity that billowed inside me. Alone and frightened as hell.

I headed back to my house after desperation and no service on my phone or any phone for that matter. I slammed the door silently to my house and withered to the floor. I sulked in what was going on. I was even wondering if this was a dream, or how about a nightmare. I even pinched myself and hit my head across the wall. I did not know what the hell was going on. I looked at the time on the microwave clock and it was already the afternoon. I then decided to turn on the t.v. and see what was going on with the freaking world. When I turned on the tv all it showed was static. Then I turned on the radio and nothing. I felt like I was dying quickly from the paranoia I was receiving. I headed to my wife's bedroom and picked up the picture on our desk next to our bed. It was a picture of the family and we were at the beach making a sand castle. I started to cry again and threw the picture against the wall, shattering the glass in pieces on the hard wood floor. I then noticed while looking at the glass pieces on the ground there was a note about the size of a post it on the floor. I picked it up and unfolded its wrinkled creases. It said in bold praised letters in black and red ink. "YOU HAVE BEEN QUARANTINED JOSEPH CACKLE."
I did not know what this meant at first then it hit me. When I was working with the detecting group yesterday my glove ripped on the glass shaver to seethe through the ticker bugs. My assistant noticed but did not react to it. I told him not to say anything and that it was no alarm. I knew that the bugs would not varnish my hands. Then as my my mind started to wonder back to what my assistant hand movements did, I remembered. He hit the button alarm under the counter. He quarantined the whole city from me. I could not believe this. I am alone and will die alone. As all this came to develop in my head, I started to feel less paranoid and more of the symptoms that I was ignoring from panicking started to hit in. I looked at my hands and they were green and red already. My throat felt like the lungs were pushing inside. I then could not move my feet no longer and collapsed. I looked at the clock on my wall and I had already gone though three hours. I was going to dye without even saying I loved her or kissing my babies. I then felt my stomach suffocate inside. I started to fall over to the ground and lay in nothingness. I did not want to die in this room. So I dragged my lifeless legs down the steps and slowly made my way to the garage. I saw the door handle and opened it with my hands feeling like they were going to fall off. I got into her car and fell into her drivers side floor. I turned on the car with the keys that were on the garage hook and put in the CD of the Beatles. I remembered when we went, me and her, to there concert together. That was when we met. I then remembered when she said she was pregnant after the mistake of doing it in the car. We were so in love we could not get our hands off each other. I started to cry when I thought about when she gave birth to our twins. I was holding her hand so tight the whole time she was having contractions. I told her I loved her every day when we were together. I always told my kids the same. I then remember holding my daughter and my son, both six pounds twelve ounces and so beautiful they were with the movement of there toes as small as my pinky finger. I miss them, I want my family back for at least one day, even one hour, or one minute.

I looked to the side in the cup holders and noticed a note. It was written by my wife. She said, "Honey I love you and everything you are has made me smiled and kept me going from day to day. The kids love you and will always love you. I can not live without your face and your laugh. I love you baby, I am so sorry. I will take care of the kids and everyday I will remind them of there wonderful father. I want you here with me baby, but the police are taking me away in any minute. I love you forever and ever baby. I will meet you in the sky my love." I bent down with my head in my legs and then started crying. My eyes were getting blurry and overwhelming to see out of them. I then felt my air volume stop. I could not breath anymore and my hands went numb. I kissed my ring on my finger and held it to my face. I glanced my last glance at the clock. It was five minutes after five hours already. I then spit out blood clots and my heart beat slower. Then circles of blood fumes filled my eyes. I then took the knife on the side on top of my hardware desk and shoved it straight through my neck slitting and gorging out blood. The note fell on the ground with my body.

Dead alone quarantined.

Mommy Tried, Sorry Baby

"Now sweetie I am going to go to work okay."
"I love you sweetie, and don't open the door to anyone, okay baby!"

"Okay mommy."

"Goodnight sweetie."

"By mommy!"

"By my precious! mwwwa!"

"Mwaaa mommy! Your so silly mommy!"

"Your sillier hun, now go to sleep baby, and ill be back in a few hours."

"Okay mommy."



The door closed and she left to the front door and locked it. She went to her car and started to shoot up the powder that made her forget what a horrible person she was for doing this. She then sat there and took in the rush of relaxed and calm feelings that the dust gave her. She looked out her car window and saw the broken up apartment she lived in. She saw the leaks that were inside and out and the broken sidewalk cracks and trash that made it even better.
She sighed and started up the car with a reassurance with the coke in her system that she could go now.
Off she drove to the walk, or her work. She took off her jacket when she got there and stepped out her car and saw him. He looked at her and told her to take off her shirt that she had over another shirt. She said it was cold but he insisted. She took it off with hesitation. Then he told her to take east. She stepped in a walk far from any other woman who walk. She had a confidence, but maybe to much confidence. She then saw a customer. She came up to the red car and asked if they needed any help for tonight. She could barely see in the car, it was mostly shadows. A rough mans voice said yes. She then looked at her boss and gave him the nudge and went into the car with them. They grabbed her at her hips and pulled her into the car.
Two men told her they are going to go to there house to do this. She told theme okay.
When they got there she asked what they wanted and how. She did all her orders as told, with even getting hit for not doing it right. They payed her less then what was asked for, for her mistake. She could not even cry or yell, for she would probably get in trouble as well. When they dropped her off, she got thrown out of the car and landed on the street pave. She got up and saw him. She walked over and gave him the money. He looked at her in disgust and punched her to where she slung back onto the pave from which she came. She struck a tear, but that was all. She stayed on the ground till he threw a dollar at her. Just one dollar. She asked if she could at least have one more. He told her she should have worked for it more. She then did more pick ups and got the money that was asked of her. She then took her car and drove back home.
She stayed in her car when she came to the parking space. She looked out her window and saw nothing. She took the white and sniffed it dry. Her thoughts that buried in back of her mind were always, "Will I make it tomorrow? What will happen to my baby?"
She did this for her baby girl, she had no other alternative. She had no family but her pimp. She did not even know the babies dad. She did not even know herself. She did not know any other way though. She was already a convict. She got into this when she was young and after that there was no turning back.

She went back into the house with her eye bruised and laid on the bed next to her daughter. She laid awake wondering if she should close her eyes. Wondering why she should go onto the next day.
She did this everyday, leaving her child alone at night. She was in pain inside and out.
One day when she was at the block and he told her to take this big black truck that was at the far end of the walk. She head over and there was three guys, all heavy set and wanted only her. She head into the car and was took to a hotel. These guys did everything with her and payed her all the money. She got back and did not get hit this time and had gotten a fair share.
She was happy tonight and head home without even taking a sniff. She snuck in bed with her baby and kissed her on her forehead.
It was the next night and she strapped on her heals and curled her hair. Her daughter asked her why she puts on the heals. She said to make mommy taller baby. She laughed and said she loved her. Then she tucked her in her bed and locked the front door behind her. She then came to the corner again. She saw him and he told her to wait for business this time. She stood with confidence and seduction. Then she immediately saw the same truck as last night heading down the street towards her. Then her face went blank and mind rushed to nothing. A man that was with her last night had a gun. Within a second her body was on the ground and her head hallowed back. She was gone and so was a daughters mom. The men were police and could not have reputation. They just wanted to have a fun night. Her daughter was left alone, till she eventually called for help.


Baby Girl

So much to take on,
Baby girl I am gone,
I wish I was better for you,
I just did not know what else to do,
You were the only thing that kept me going,
Things that were for your not knowing,
Please sweetie I want you to keep,
Me in your heart, as I leave in your sleep,
I kiss you good bye baby girl,
Cause mommy needs to go now beyond the hill.