The Stall

The memory is something else in my mind. I was thinking our minds are so intricate to remember far back to a child to now. See you can remember something from a touch of something or a smell or taste. To remember a certain thing is hard to come by unless it hit your favorite spark in your membrane that craves for it. In this case it impouds in your mind for you to replay it in a off and on again button. There is far to many details in one persons life to all write down so we just write down what builds our lives and thoughts. Here is a thought to tell you or shall I say memory that seems weird to remember but I do like it was yesterday.

I would constantly follow this crowd wanting something out of them. I did not know what for have we not all felt envy. These girls, I mean they seem to be just ordinary girls on the outside but they were not. I was you know I am going to say it, an okay looking girl, but it seemed everyone looked up this crowd. There were three of them from the most shined on to the followers who shone in her shine.
I would follow them so much so that I did not even think I had a mind of my own and for just a moment I would want them to look at me and see that I get have a little glow to if they could spare. This was still playground days when you had recess and had two breaks.
I would laugh at there jokes and do my hair like them and copy there style. They did not even notice nor did they care, for they just assumed with all mighty power that I would and everyone else would worship them as well. I wanted to be them so bad. I was just a little girl and I should of had little girl dreams of ponies and party dresses but this took over my being. I would stay up all night looking at myself in my reflection in a mirror and pick point all that was wrong with me. I would cry and see all the imperfections, and that I could never be equal to such beauty and royalty as they were. I came up every day with a list wrotten down of things to say to them, jokes to make them laugh or activities I can have them do to like me. They did not even speak to me and laughed and made fun of me if I did.

One day it was our graduation from elementary to middle and I was in the nicest fitted skirt with blue flowers at the pink lillies that layed at the top. I wore a white blouse and my hair knotted in a french braid half way up and the rest straddled breathlessly down the sides of my face. I felt so beautiful for once. The girls crowded around me when I was sitting drinking punch in a foam cup, and one of the followers flung the cup up and the red dye drowned my ruffled skirt. I felt tears ready to poor, but then I was off struck. The main queen bee took me by the arm with the followers holding me by the other and forced me into the metal plated stalled bathroom. They THREW me in there. I was astonished cause I was weak and never fought back. I tryed to pry the door open but it did not work. They were all at the door leaned against it with all there might like as if I was a wild animal of some sort. I then gave up trying to escape and cried myself into a lone stall in the bathroom and shivered for it was cold and the cement fringed me frozen. I rolled back and forth my body to comfort myself. I then fell to sleep in agony and wanting nothing for this to just be over with.
I stayed there till the morning cause it was possible for the girls to lock it from the outside. The janitor came to find me alone and cold asleep against the wretched stenched toilet and stall wall. Then there was police and my parents standing at the doorway. The officers wrapped me in a blanket and looked at my wrists. I did not know why they did this till now. They did this to check to see if I killed myself for this was the most horrid thing a little girl can go through.

I had blocked this out of my mind and never looked back on this memory till recently looking back on life. I never like to think of trauma I went though or people and there trama, I help others with it, cause I know there is always a reason for these things. Life is giving you a hard shove into another direction in life. It wants you to explore new choices and perspectives. I learn from everything in lfe even if it takes me a while to concieve.






Snicker's



That yellow school bus that I hid myself on the far left corner of the grey cold metal,
I could see my reflection in the frigid glass and told myself I was a loser and and my presence was fatal,
I could not stand myself my name my look,
I would stay up in my quilted bed some nights and stare at my freckled cheek bones and wonder how I existed as I shook,
I shook off the feeling of emptiness of abandonment, the way people would see me on the corner of that white chipped painted wall,
Alone in a bountiful of people not even knowing how I wanted so bad to change that day when I got implanted for call,
To this cruel universe that makes me feel as if I was not excepted, I would spend my time thinking of words to say,
I wanted others to join me in the crowd to tell me I was okay and they wanted to converse with me,
But all I did was silently whimper in the shadows of my room even to mid and try to set myself free,
From the worries that impacted me every day, just as that April day,
When the snickering over powered my very will I could not do nothing, not even to say,
I was lunged into that stench in the tiled bread brown stall,
Feminine hands reaped on the blue limbered door as as I shriveled away from all,
They captivated me in there, not letting me out, they had decided that's where I will be,
I could not even hear myself screaming out, I was in a daze as the mirrors clouded what was in front of me,
I was just a girl then, but till this day to think of that anguish shrivels me to a pin needle,
It brings all me to tears of rivers to think how cruel small children can be as it stays with you,
My heart will never recover from the breath that I never took as I grew,
I still sit there on that engraved discolored bench,
As I watched the people flourish from my pain that I was yet to mench.