I never knew a month before this, that this would ever happen. Not in my wildest dreams. I never thought of my fate in such deprivation coldness would dye out this way.I never thought I would feel okay with it though. Okay of going. Okay with this being the end. As long as I was in the comfort of his semi warmth of his arms. I could leave with a smile on my face.
"I don't want to go out and eat tonight."I reassured him that we already had dinner made in the oven. He insisted that we go out. Go out with his friends and eat our money away.
The night before the trip. It was beginning to get frustrating and frantic. Vince stayed on the phone all night planning with Margie on what to bring. I felt like almost the third wheel in our relationship sometimes.
I however conveniently stacked away a few belongings. Just enough to get by for a week. I always thought that a woman's suitcase was a full package. Maybe even a few packages. Looking at my frantic Husbands discretion on his worried face- wondering if he had enough underwear packed- looked more of a woman then me.
I laid there that night thinking on how this might go off. The cabin that we would share- Vince, Margie, Mason, and I. It seemed like it was going to be interesting on how many arguments I can count on to happen.
I comforted to myself at night, just the thought of- maybe it will be a good experience since I will have Mason there.
I thought long and hard of the relationship me and him had, compared to me and Vince. I thought enough to where I was starting to cringe at the thought of how much better he was for me. I just let it go with my eyes that were slowly drifting to sound of the dripping sink in the bedroom bathroom. Getting sleep for the expectations of the day to come.
...............................................................................................................
When I waited with Vince and Margie wrapped to left of his side. I was not quite anxious for the plane to announce that we should board just yet. I was still desperately awaiting for Mason to arrive.
He was late and I wanted to be sitting near him when I boarded. I told Vince in a low mutter, "If he does not come, I am not going." He just lifted up his grin, making the frown lines crease to a smile. He glazed out the window with the planes taking off, "I hope he doesn't then." I gasped in regret, "He just better Vince." I could tell he could care less about him, and that he would force me to go whether I wanted to or not.
After they called every flight out. I was sure in my instincts that they were going to call us next. I kept my eyes focused to the passing people in the lobby. Searching for only one person.
As I kept focused on a lady up ahead with a frilly bag of discolored antique flowers embroidered on it, I saw him come to focus. I got up with but a little nudge to let Vince know I was going to greet him. I almost felt like a rebel. Like I was now confident that I got my way. Vince laughed as I uttered- feeling his hate rasper out under his breath as he chuckled to see him close into me.
"Felice!" He said it in such warm praising. I felt so happy now, relieved. He came to me and held me tight in friendly corpse. I whispered in happiness over his neck, "I am so glad you made it! I was getting worried there for a second." He then looked over my shoulder, and viewed his haters. He felt the regret that he was there from Vince and Margie. I didn't feel it though, I only felt happy at this point.
As soon as I interacted that he was here, to Vince. The attendant called out our flight number. So we started to head to the entryway to start loading into the plane.
Vince was by my side the whole time we were filing through the little hallways of the plane. Grouping to find our seats. I was very aware that I had a seat next to Vince. I gestured towards Mason though. I spoke to him in a quite plead, "Can I sit with Mason?" He looked over to Margie as I said that. He saw her struggling aggravated look. How she looked disgruntled because she was going to sit with Mason. He looked at the seat that Mason was going to sit in. The very front of the line. He then nodded his head in confidence, "Yeah sure, whatever." I could tell he could care less if I did, he almost seemed like he was pleased I wanted too. Which made me happy, but more and more admissible to the fact he cared less and less of me. I did not care though.
I held Mason's hand as the rumbling of the cargo started to move above our heads. I could tell he was clutching it tightly to let me know everything was going to be okay. He must of never forgotten when I told him I hated planes. That they make me feel sick and anxious. He was keeping his admirement on my hands. He then looked over to the walkway and the fumbles of people beside us. He looked over and then above our heads. He let go of my hand then, he almost had to use force to take my hand off of his. He gravitated his hand up to reach what I now could see, the air. I felt the cold air rush through my fine course hair. He then rummaged through his bag in front of him. He grabbed headphones and plugged them in on my side. He then nudged my hand again, and I could tell he wanted me to listen. I looked at him confused with plenty of words said with just my face language. He laughed and then blurted in a happy tone, "It will be easier for you to take out the sound of it lifting off." I then thought about that for a second, taking it into consideration. "Okay." I took the ear pieces and placed it tightly in my ears. He then wrapped his hand over mine again. And started to close his eyes to the humming of the plane, the humming that aggravated me so much.
I did not know that he knew my addict to music so well. I fell asleep all the way through. It was unbeleivable to me, to him it was to easy to conceive.
When we landed, he held my hand tighter again. Feeling the tense in my posture and extinguishing distaste I had for this. It was nothing though. We landed without a nitch being broken. We filed out of the plane without a single sole of shoe being thumbled. He lightly moved me forward as we entered out the plane walkway. The adventure of planes in my head, pounding to tell me it's not over just yet. I was told by Vince, as soon as we were going to get off the plane, we were going to enter another one. A more private secluded one. "Yeah," I told my inner thoughts and nerves. I really wanted too.
When we got on the cab that took us to the private jet. I felt Mason's deathening glare over at Vince. The way he was thinking and worrying for me. Like his thoughts were brewing over to my thoughts. Spoken in his head loud enough for mine to hear. I could tell he hated the fact I was going to be tense again in the agony of another plane. Let alone a jet plane.
When we came to the plane awaiting in the back of the airport. My thoughts were rushing through me to fast for me to understand. I felt my heart passing by under my wrists to feel the beat pound against my hip. It was overbearing as I looked at the plane against the cold skies. It was so cold here, I was glad I remembered to pack my heavier jacket, light over my arms to wrap over. I was freezing. Mason could tell I was as he wrapped his comfort over my shoulders. Vince still was paying no attention what so ever, at my discomfort of boarding again. He was to busy mingling with Margie in excitement.
I felt more relaxed though, then if Mason were not with me. His tempurture seemed to way above mine. I looked at him- startled by his touch. He gazed at the plane. Back and forth his eyes focused, over the spinal of the plane and the front deck. He then looked at me again, and could see I was more then uncomfortable. Shivering- even with his warmth covering over me. I was terrified and blissterly cold. He leaned his head down a few inches to my cold fleece, "Don't worry, I think you'll be okay in the plane. You will warm up." He was obviously trying to get me warmed up in another way. Trying to make me feel at ease of going on this hell ride.
We stepped upon the ridgy grounds of the doorway to the little plane. To everyone else, it seemed a luxary to be on the mechanical accelerator. I just was in mere terror. Mason was every step of the way with me though. While Vince and Maggie were already fastened in there seating arrangements. Drinking, and having a good old time. I hated it!
He did not even notice me. What did I care though. He never did before anyways. I just hated I guess, the fact that he payed another woman-not his own wife- more attention.
As I sat down on the only two seats out of four available, "Two taken by the despisers." I leaned into the seat next to aisle. Mason grabbed my forearm, and pulled me in a loving manner. He whispered his voice in demand, "You would be more comfortable by the window Felice." I looked at him demented. My voice carried out like I had catched a fly with my lungs, "No..way." He picked my lifeless hand, that was going nowhere. Without force and without lunging his strength to pick me up. He easily took me aside to the next seat over. I frowned in defeat. I knew he was right, I just hated any which seat I was in - on a plane.
Mason started to talk to me about the cabin we will be in. How much more warmer I will be against the fire of the pine scented loggs. I felt his warm words echo in my body. I was already feeling warm. Or maybe it was just the heat from the extravaegent seat warmers.
He made me feel so at bliss and relaxed. I barely moved my lips the whole time as he talked. We hadn't lifted off yet, and he was talking about skiing, and hiking in the snow, and catching snowflakes with our mittens. He was so funny sometimes. I was so into our conversation, I did not realize what he distracted me from us already in the air. I did not even feel the inbalance of the ringing in my ears as we lifted off to a steady tone. He totally obliviated me. He was my miracle charm bracelet.
I looked out the window, with the ground moving farther out for me to see. The white dust as it fell in the distance. The lens of the window was getting cold and tinted at the high elevation. I was enjoying myself. Mason was asleep next to me, he exhausted himself with the ecstatic conversation with distracting me. I was listening to the music that he told me to listen to. It was beating out the engines rumble.
I looked over to the side of me, and Vince and Margie were still going on about drinking at a party from a few months ago. How she always blacked out, and how he found it funny. I found it immature and very childish. I did not like drinking, I thought that would dwiddle me down to her standard of living. Never in my life-
The "shummm-dooo-dooo-shumm," of the magnified headphones, blared out so much noise that I payed only attention to Masons hand on the arm rest, and my hand tipping to the beat. I was tuning everything out, feeling like I was back in Miami under the hot sun again.
As the beat kept its flow, I felt something. Or maybe I heard something. The "shummm," turned into a" crrrrrr," at first I egnored it. Still tapping my fingertips against the cold rest. Then the noise got louder, "crrrrrrrr." I did not know what it was. I was almost feeling my heart imbalance as I heard it again, much louder. "CCCCCRRRRRR!!!"
I took off my headphones and my hair swiveled over my forehead in a fluster. I then heard it now very clear, and at it's loudest. "CRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!"
I was in a uprise panic. I screamed and shaked like never before. Mason was still sleeping, and I startled him. Margie and Vince, looked at me in confussion and dissapointment. "Felice what the hell!" Vince yelled at the top of his lungs at me. He got out of his seat then as soon as he did he sat back down. The lone flight attendent in the front yelled out in calm range, "Everyone needs to be sitting down in there seats and their safety belts fastened tightly. Vince then gave away his dissapointed look, and now was a bit more confused. Even a little frightened under his lids. Mason was in astonished shock for a moment, then he took my hand tightly. He said to me in soft sedate tone, "I am sure it is just the wheather." He was referring to the shaking in the plane, and the ringing that was not suppost to be happening just yet. That only happened when we land. I was sure in my frantic mind- this was not just the wheather.
I looked out my window with my hands shaking to open the single blind. It was a blizzard out there. Only a single gray light shone through the storm. I was either frightened and or terrified at the weather, or the noise and shaking of me and the plane. I could not tell the difference from the both. They were both rattling like a snake.
The shaking and jumpy up and down movements did not stop for what seemed like hours. I looked at Mason and asked how long this was going to last, or if it was going to last. Maybe I wanteed it to last, if it stopped would we be in trouble. With a little bit more panic in his calm voice, "Don't worry, I think we will be alright." I only composed of one word he mouthed. "He thinks." What does he mean he thinks. Are we going to be alright, or is this it?
The noise and movements were as erratic as ever. Then it stopped. It all stopped and it was silent. The pilot anounced, "Everything is alright folks, we will be landing in a half hour now. Just some diff----."
His sentence was broken to the noice again. I felt like we spiraling now. The plane felt hot. I was getting my body shaken as I was shaking. The seatbelts felt like they were not going to do there job. It was loosening as my hips grabbed at it, tightening.
Mason grabbed and tightened his hand around my grip. Vince was yelling in the background to the pilot, asking what was going on.
The shaking in my hand was now coming more from Mason then from the plane. I looked at his face as he looked back at me. He was crying. I felt tears roll out of my eyes. I did not even feel any more panic though.
The noise was a more silent loud. As my body and his was being lunged forward to gravity. Margi was screaming and panicking more then ever. But I was silent for some reason. There was nothing I could do about this. We were all going to hit the ground soon. All the things that I thought I would think about when I would die, did not flow though my mind. Only the melodic humm, of Mason trying to still relax me in his horrable panic. I think it was working. I felt nothing as we were plunging to our demise.
I then held a little whisper in my ears from the silence of the russtels of the plane, "I love you Felice." I looked over and Mason was focused deathly on my lap, "I love you too."
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Day 1
Negative stimulus was gushing though my head as I tried to open my eyes. I felt a numb overbearing pain that cascaded through out my leg. I still was hearing the ringing of the plane. Then I tried to lift up my afflicted body. Nothing.
I then realized that I was alive. I was still able to open my eyes. I tried to open them a bit more though, to get a capture of where I was. It was painful. A rush of strickened pain built around my leg even more, and my head like a bullet was torn in it, but tooken out.
I was able to make out what was in front of me, shattered and broken lying pieces everywhere. There was burning ahead, I could tell. Then my mind and body became more struggled and inpowered. I wanted to get up NOW!
Where was he, where was everyone. I could only see me and the snow and scraps under me. I could see cliffs and more broken metal up ahead. I screamed what my lungs could bear, "Mason! Vince! Margie!" Nothing but a little whimper came out of my torn voice. My head started feeling woozy more then ever after trying the hardest to call for them. I could not move or speak anymore. I let my pain give me out, and I rested on the cold snow, that seemed less of my worries- as finding them.
"Felice? Are you here? FELICE! FELICE PLEASE.....FELICE!"
I woke up to my name being fantely demanded for me. I was still feeling groggy and ill. I felt my head still pounding blood in and out. I saw him barely from the snow and broken metal, "Mason?" I whisperd his name, a little bit questioned as his figure came near me. "Mason!" I said it louder. Now figuring it was him.
I felt my eyes try to feel his hand that was pulling me out form the rubbage I did not know I was under. "Mason?" He put his bruised hand over my mouth, trying to save my energy on recovering my voice for later. He got me out form under the pieces, and carried me in the snow to another spot. His breathing was deep and fast. I could tell he was out of it, and exausted, but also releived he found me. He whispered in desperstion, "I am so glad I found you, I thought I lost you Felice."
He sat me down on a warm rock. Then hummed his lullaby to me, as his jacket was warming me in the never warming coldness. My eyes of exausion fell to the grace of his touch and presence.
Day 2
I was able to open my eyes wide enough now to see that he was not near me anymore. For a second I thought him finding me was just a dream. I was still on the rock though. Under the cliffs canopy.
Where was he though. Where did he leave off to? The wind was now circulating in my senses. I could feel the air gorge my wounds. It was a anguish of stinging pain.
I tried to shut my eyes and think about him being here. The pain brought more reality then I asked for. "Felice!" I heard in my thoughts. Wait, my thoughts are of my pain. He came near me and still calling my name. "Felice, I got a few packets of food for us to last us a while." I looked at what he was carrying- two or three packets of ripped food that survived the crash, just like us. I then caught a glimpse of a lost thought. Where was Vince and Maggie?
As Mason came close to me and kneeled to my laying limp body. He told me to rap over the blanket he had managed to get under the rubble. I looked at him in amazement. Seeing as he only had one jacket on, his lips blue and violet, and his shivers trying to subside with him being near me. "Mason, you need it more then I." He just nudged it even more for me to grab. I knew his stubborn side, and did not argue. I grabbed it and pulled it over the jacket I already had on. It was only a fraction warmer then before. I seemed a little worried and interested as I spoke to him again, "Mason, where is Vince and Margie?" Silence held his voice. The cold was held in his arms as he put me asleep to pass time and conversation. I kept my thoughts till the morning.
Day 3
"So you have not found them?" I soft desperately questioned him. He looked out at the fields and plains that kept on going with white mountains and silks that kept till eternity it seemed. He was still holding me under the cold morning sun, barely shining through the moving pitch white skies, "I know how you feel right now. I searched under all the scraps and burials of snow that dug it deeper then you know. I could not find both of them. I am even surprised I found you Felice."
His voice was a hopeless weariness. He was very sad I could see. He and I both, did not want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere. Alaska was a big place. I was sure if we even had a radio or some kind of communication device to notify anyone that we are alive. We would be dead by the time they got here. My heart was flooding with overwheming depression and coldness. Mason brushed himself closer to me, muttering and whispering as he lifted my dark hair past my ears, "I am going to try to find them Felice. Maybe I will find more food as well." His voice seemed chearful and hopeful with all the knowing he was fading in his tracks. "Okay."
I waited their, trying to nuzzle the most warmth I could get. Every movement I made, sharpy iced erosions would fill my feet and hands. I was getting so numb from the cold, I eventually had no idea I was in the cold anymore.
I kept on thinking about the first time I met Vince. How when we had our first date, and it was a little family owned Italian restauraunt. He took me there and I was waiting at the door for him, so we could go in together. Instead a person from inside the restauraunt opened the door and told me he was already waiting. I was not sure what she ment. I swore he was in the car still. But when I came in, the seating arrangement, was a cutain pulled back over a cornered table. Then he came out from the closed cutains, and told me to come sit inside the little coven. I stepped in side and it was filled with red and white roses. Candles were dimly lit on the table, and our food was already ready, with wine in the most delicate glasses. I cried that day, and that day was why I fell in love with him. We got married about a month after. So I did not get to know him that well.
I got to know that he was not the best man after all. He used that first date to lure me in, and then make me feel like I been spit out right after I married him. I stayed with him though. I was afraid that no one will give me that first beginning love like he did. He also kept me financially stable. That is not always a good thing to stand by though.
After thinking about this so long in the pellets of frigid hitting every inch of my shivering body. I got a epiphany. He was right under my eyes since I was 14. He stood not as tall as my husband, but a beautiful average height. He was strong in mind, body, and soul. He took care of his responsibilities. He took care of me. He was sweet to me. He was honest to me. He was not with me. I could not beleive that I did not see Mason for what he really was to me before. Mason was the one I loved, and who loved me.
"Hey." He staggered slowly to me. His head was down and his body limp and frozen. "Whats wrong?" Besides all the things that are coming against us at all odds. Besides the fact we will probably die here. "I found them Felice." I left my train of thought, "You did." I could not gather what he was saying. I did not even know why I even cared what he was saying. "They are dead Felice. They were under the south side of the rubble. They are a mess, so I burried them." I looked out and shivered in compulsion. I was fealing the warm tears falling on my cold cheak. "What are we going to do Mason? How are we going to get through this?" He started to come close to my side again. Holding me back at his deep set shoulders. He softly grasped my thoughts, "Don't worry Felice. If we leave, then we will leave together." Tears kept on falling all down his jacket and on his shoulders. He held me closer to him, trying to take the pain away with his comfort.
The morning dawn that was in my view just a bit ago, was dark. We had not ate anything all day. There was nothing to eat. My hunger is growing, and I inspect his was to. He comforted my hunger with his hold as well. I fell asleep under his stregth that never failed.
Day 4 Hunger, cold, consolation Day 5 Hunger exceeding, colder, deprivation Day 6 Coldness overtaking, Searching for more shelter, Hunger subsiding
Day 7
There was no point in trying to fight it anymore. The hunger that fitted beneath my skin, was going away. It was falling so thin now, I barely felt it anymore. Mason looked over the dreary bright skies under the little canopy of the cliff. He saw something I could not see. His eyes grew larger from his attenuation.
He looked so gone before, but now he looked worried. His voice was fierce and desperate, "Felice, a storm is coming." I felt it to. I felt the winds picking up speed. I felt the coldness that was lost in my numb paling body thicken. "How long do we have?" His face was more concentrated, "We have to find better shelter now." He was gentle with his voice, just a bit on edge.
We looked past the ridged rocks and the cold paling snow that was burying us in the layers and feet. "Here!" I turned my head with much force, my feet could not move as well as before. My hands were more blunt then asked form god. "Do you think we will be okay in there?" He looked into a little cave tucked away on the right side of the cliff. "It will help us enough Felice." I was making a face of a coward. A face that said I wanted to just give up. "Why do we fight this, we are dying Mason." His structure was weaker and thinner. He was still strong and overpowering then me. I looked like a skeleton compared to him. He came close to me, and used all his strength that was left in him, and picked me up. He carried me in the cave and set me down on the cold floors. It was not a deep cave, nor was it small. It was the only shelter we had though. He then fell over next to me, sighing in despair. I looked over at him, and looked in his eyes. His eyes were still a piercing green, staring with so much hope in them still. "If we die Felice, I want to die with you relaxed and at ease. I don't want it to hurt. And most of all, I want to be with you." The warm tears came back. If I could, I would cry all the time. It felt so good on my cheeks.
He took his hand in a loose fist, and wiped off the warm tears. He then looked around and saw a good enough hole of dirt to make a fire in. He grabbed a few sticks laying around, and with a few twist and twirls, the little flame blazed before me. It only took him a few minutes to endorse it. We had not had fire since we been stranded. It felt so good upon my covered body and skin.
"Felice.." He seemed like he was going to ask me something. "Yeah." His eyes gazed at me again, "What if you had married me? What would it be like you think?" My heart beat the warmth of the ember blazes. "It would have been the best choice I would have ever made Mason. I regret not marrying you." He came closer to me, and held me in his jacket. We stirred out attention to the fire and the red flashed light it gave on the stone walls.
The wind started to pick up more and more. The ice of the snow was still coming in a bit. Maybe it was the warmth and the deliberate of us expiring. His hands were steady for the minutes we spared together. They made me feel at ease, as he said. My tremors died down with my coldness. He pulled me into his coursed intense consistency. His breath was making a hovering of cold clouds over to the light ardour. I sensed that he was planing to take care of me in these last moments we knew we would have.
"Did you know that I have loved you since I first laid eyes on you in middle school. I was just so afraid that if I were to ruin our friendship. You would never speak to me." He murmered in factual admission. I sighed at the fact he gave to me. I knew he felt this way, and I knew I felt this way too. It was me being so blind- that I did not see such a regretful choice I did not choose. I answered his semi question with remorse, "I am sorry. I know you did, and I did too. At least I get to spend my last hours with someone who truly cares for me." It is so weird what you realize when you are about to die. You see things that had been dark and covered for so long. That they finally get put together, after losing all the pieces.
His subtle love for me was now extending itself in comfort. His face soft and sweet over the affectionate heat.
He then took my face and hands. His fingers tracing the outline of my faces fragility now. He made his eyes contact quickly to my lips. He started for my lower lip. My body was already numb, so my heart went numb. His lips were as cold as mine, but I still felt sensations as he softly touched them. His stamina luring closer to mine. He then took off my jacket and kissed me on my neck. The coldness of the wind picked up. I still could not feel the difference with the jacket on or off. He was keeping my body sane.
The howling of the air was blowing briskly in and out. All I could hear now was not the wind, but his breathing and mine. Very deep and dissolute. I lifted my hand shivering no more, over to his structure that was embedded over me now. I held him closer to me. He took his spare hand and softly revealed my shirt above my drench cold hair. Then stared at my bare body for a minute of silence. He then whispered many sweet things in my neck, as the tickles of his cold warm fused breath was perceived on my skin.
The warmth of our bare bodies glistening in the embers of sparks cruising through the caves of smooth gray and white stone audited passion of warmth. His body made me safe and silent for a long time. Only my voice that grew in his ears were all that was heard. And his touch that raveled over my entirety dreamed in our captivation.
The fire grew less and less, as the storm appended out. He then lifted me with the little stregth he still had form the last time he lifted me up.
He took me out in the open- the eye of the storm. We laid in the middle of the white twenty or thirty feet of frosted glacial sphere of white. While he comforted me still in his bare body and mine. As we both laid in our locking bodies as the snow fell down by layers upon layers over our backs. I felt every inch of me cold as ever. Still I felt released of feeling absolutely nothing for the cold.
He looked over to my shadowy eyes. Feeling me passing away in his build. He then stopped his comfort upon me. He laid next to me with his arms holding as tight and gentle as they could. The snow burrying us alive. He still kept his grip. And we still kept our composure of bliss within our dying love. Baring our souls to the wind and cold. He whispers his last breath as I do mine, " I love you."
Day 8
I think that the deprived empty pit of hunger and appetite decreased with him. If I did not have him here with me, I don't think I could meet my defeat so easily. Even at the tranquility of his comfort and at his company. I am still withering away along with him.
I never knew a month before this, that this would ever happen. Not in my wildest dreams. I never thought of my fate in such deprivation coldness would dye out this way.I never thought I would feel okay with it though. Okay of going. Okay with this being the end. As long as I was in the comfort of his semi warmth of his arms. I could leave with a smile on my face.
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