Last Beat Of Love

I just started to settle in with my father in this here farm land. Michigan.
Now I say that, not with a guttering happiness. I say that with a stench of regret. I loved my father, but some things you can do without.

I had to move here out of no choice.
I have a heart problem. Much heart failure runs in my health. I am almost twenty one, and I had six heart attacks. It is almost normal for me.
I had lived in New York with my mother. She said that after the last incident in the hospital, I needed to spend time with my dad. I knew how she felt. I knew she could not handle my heart problems, the constant monitoring. She loved me dearly, just about as much as I did. But she just fell to the deepest of oceans when I would be set on that same room in the hospital. Like a bird that had it's wings clipped and kept trying to fly, but it's wings were not capable. A constant battle for me and my mom. She wanted so much, for me to just be healthy.

My mother and father told me in Michigan, they have a specialized doctor who treats patients with my condition. He was named a sensational doctor. I even looked him up on google. Checking his background and everything. He passed my standards with flying colors.

I am on the donor list for a new heart. Over many that are on it to. Not many have my blood type. So my wait, on top of so many others on the list, is a long excruciating wait. I am hoping that this year, I will get my heart. I know that going under the knife, will probably be just as deadly as my condition. Maybe even more. But there is no telling when I will die.

Is it weird that I have gone to home school since my heart started acting up. That I had one friend in my whole life. And sadly I had to move away to New York to get better treatment. It does not faze me though. It does not faze me that it kills me inside, that I am alone. And besides my mom hugging me in despare, my dad hugging me in happiness, I have never felt any person comfort and touch me. It still does not faze me though.


When I got to this greenery land. With the smell of manure as our yard. Dad saying, "Oh Delila, look at all those cows. Don't you think they are such healthy cows. That is what we need you to be. Not as healthy as a horse, but as healthy as those cows." My head did not amuse at that remark. I did not want to be a cow, nor did I think I would ever be healthy.

As me and my dad were driving to the doctors office, he had to admit, "Did you cut your hair or dye it since you were here?" I looked at him, remembering the last time I visited him. My hair was dark as it ever was, never dyed it in my life. Same old length just past my shoulder. I looked at him knowing how forgetful dads are, especially mine, "You just don't ever see me do you? It's okay dad, didn't expect for you to see me for my hair." His cheeks got flushed with gitty embarrassment. To forget what I looked like, not even a year ago. "Well, you are just so beautiful inside, that it is hard to see the outside." I then gave him, an even more disappointed sarcastic look, "Dad, stop before you find yourself in a hole." He then laughs, not a together laugh. I sure was not laughing with him. "Sorry, right." He then shut up for the rest of the way there.

When we ended the spiral turns and swines of big oak tree paths. I see the littlest doctors office ever. It almost seemed like a home. I then looked at dad confused, "Is this the place?" Asking, knowing it was, but it just seemed so off balance. He then in comfort asked, "Honey, do you want me to go with you?" As so focused I was at the short stumpy house like structure, "No. I want to go alone. I am big now dad." He then laughs in recognition," I know that, I can now drink with you." I then chuckled a bit and head out the car. Waving slightly as he steered off to some department store nearby. He said to call him when I was done.

I wish I had a car, so I did not have to call him. It is dangerous for me to have a car though. With my condition and all. Everyone is afraid will have a rupture in pain while driving. I then clear that though out of mind, as I inched near the doors.

I feel like I have been waiting in this doctors office for about two hours. Looking up at the tv, knowing that the four people that were also watching it, were not really watching it. Why is it that it is so awkward in doctors office's. I hate that you feel people stare at you in them, as they are pretending they are not. Very weird.

I just could not wait fr my name to be called already, and my butt remain awake. I feel like if doctors office's were to have beds to lay on. We would be long gone, maybe in a coma.

When I got onto the slip cover, that makes all that noise. I was again, quite uncomfortable. The room was small, and it was like forty degrees cooler in here, then it was in the waiting room. On top of being uncomfortably cold, I was freezing with a gown on. Not even a gown really. It was more like a blue tiny napkin.
"

Why hello, is it Delila?" I then get surprised that he just popped in. Maybe I was just so into how uncomfortable I was. Paying attention to the human organ posters on the wall. "Umm, yeah sorry." I then realized, what in the world was I apologizing for?
When I was done being surprised, I then made out what he looked like. He was tall, really tall. I never seen a doctor like this before. He had very short brown hair. Almost a v line on his scalp in front for his hair. He had big brown eyes. And a smile that stretched from ear to ear. Looked like he took good car of his teeth too. I have never seen anyone with a more whiter smile. He was also white, but had a tan complex on his masculine body. He was so much different then what I had expected.
"So Delila, How have you been feeling lately?" He then comes near to my chest. I am focused on what he was doing, rather then what he was saying. "I have been okay." I said that, not knowing that I even said it. But in fact, I was just doing okay. I have had heart hiccups. Where it just generates a bad feeling of maybe an incoming heart attack. Not quite though. Just an awful lot of pain. Sort of like heart burn, but burning though my whole body. Much agony revealed.

I then jumped a bit to the cold metal on my chest, "Delila, I need you to breath deep." I breathed deep, feeling like it was hard to, concentrating to hard to do it. I even felt even more awkward at the thought of my strenuous breathing. What was he thinking? Me breathing so erratically. He then took his stethoscope off my chest, and then felt for my lungs.

I then felt I had to look at the poster again, not to look at his face while he was doing this. I felt if I looked at him, he would know I thought he was a stunning beauty.

What? Where did that come from. I am really thinking to much now. "Delila.." As he gently rasped under his breath,"I need you to tell me when was the last time you had an x-ray?" I thought very hard, knowing it was just a month ago. I just could not think properly with him. I have never felt so embarrassed. "It was about a month...no two..no..." He said in amusement at my stamper to find the answer, "Okay, no worries. I am going to give you one right now then." He told me in slight demandation, "I need you to go into room C, and lay down on the slider." I then looked at his watch, so delicate it was, and his veins in his hand around his wrist. So strong.

"Okay." in silent admiration, for his deep friendly voice.

"I will meet you there in a bit." he said as he took off in the small hallways outside.

I am laying here, fumbling with my hands. Rubbing them because I was cold. The air made it even hard to regain my composure. To make Dr. Garrison, see me as a normal girl. Not a girl that thought he was unusually handsome. On top of him being a doctor, he looked to be in his late thirties. About twenty years older then I was. I was losing my mind.

"Okay Delila. I need you to stay absolutely still. I am going to start the procedure now." I then started to lay out my legs from the cradle position they were in. Then I put my fumbling hands to my side.

As the slider moved back to the position it had to be in, he stopped it. He then ran to me, in the middle of it, "You need to take off your necklace." He then looked at my, now comfortable lying body, with his dark eyebrows and eyes. One eyebrow raised up, in thought. "Here, let me take it off. I don't want you to get out of that comfiness your in." I giggled and blushed,"He then reached down to where I was lying. I then more distinctively smelled his scent. It smelled like a sea of hemlock trees. I took a short deep breath of it. His hands felt warm, on my cold neck. "There, all done." I circled in my mind, why did he have to leave? Even though, he was just going to be in a room in back of me. Looking at me the whole time. I liked that thought.

The procedure was finished, and he told me that I needed to come back soon. He told me to get dressed in the room, and go up front to make another appointment. But before I left, he grabbed my hand,"Here, your necklace." I then smiled slightly, hiding my happiness that he touched me one last time. I forgot all about my necklace. Still in trance with his scent. He smiled back, as he walked away with a fading ,"Have a good day now."

When I got home, all I could think about was his scent. His smile, and his dark brown eyes.

I still felt cold from the office. Even though it has been hours since.

As I ate the famous meatballs and spaghetti that my dad made. The evening grew dark.

So I curled up in my quilted sheets, that still were folded the same, as I left them when I was last here.

My mind could not get off his smile.

When it was time to go back to the doctors. I did not have an awkward hesitation on the way it looked outside of it. I was actually looking forward to going.

When I got to the room I was in last time. With the crinkly noisy paper underneath me. I looked at the poster on the wall again. Not because I was studying it, but my mind was in tune to what I thinking. Will he know? Will he guess? I then tried so hard to not feel nervous. But the coldness again was taking over me.

"Hello there again." He said, more recognizing my thin figure. "I need to tell you, that we are putting you on our list of heart donors. You need a new heart soon." He said in a worried and more fragile tone," You are a special one." I then asked if it was going to be any time soon.

Then his face turned into a hopeful desirable look, "I hope so, I need you to get one Delila. The film on the x-ray, was a bit disturbing. You have a lot of complications happening." Then my comfort for him disrupted,"What do you mean complications?" He then pulled the stool next to me and fiddled with his pen in his left pocket," You might not make it if you don't get it soon."

My failing heart, fell. I was conscious that this would happen, but to actually hear it was something else. "Well, when ..how much time do think I have?" He then grabbed my hand to make me more comfortable. At this point I did not even realize he was grabbing it,"A month at the least." I just shied off the tears that were building below my lids. I said in a gutting stutter,"Oh...okay." He then got up and hugged me. He pulled back, and took my chin, like it was his,"Don't worry Delila. I will do everything in my power to make sure your running like a brand new car." I then thought to myself, Why is everyone referring me to a brand new everything? Am I that broken?

When I got home, his presence did not fill my head as much. Just the thought, that I might only be around for one more month. My dad asked as always,"What happened?" I then told him a part of it, not the whole thing, I did not want him to worry,"I am fine, I will be on the donor list here." He gave a big happy grin,"Oh good, see, you coming here is not so bad after all." I could tell my dad was exited that I might be getting better. I could not help to feel disgusted and more depressed then I had ever felt. I could not even cry, it felt to hard to even take any thing that was already dead out of me.

It has been two weeks, and no signs of relief. When I go to the doctors, I don't feel cold anymore. I feel like I am burning, like the thing that keeps me going. My heart is going to explode, and burn me down. I don't really even notice him anymore. I feel almost the same as any other doctor I visited, uncomfortable anguish of knowing. Like he knew something else that he is keeping. He won't tell me, I demand he tell me.

When I went to the same room again, he was already waiting for me there. He told me I needed to get a check up again. He came close to me, with my departure of anguish fading as he neared close to my chest. "Now breath." He said, while putting the cold metal near my upper chest. He then began a conversation,"What do you like to do Delila?" I then wondered what he meant,"What do you mean?" He then cleared his throat,"What do you like to do on your spare time?" I thought about how dull my life was, and how I go home and just eat dinner with my dad and go to sleep. "I like to take pictures." I uttered, remembering that I take pictures once in a while. "Oh you do!" He said in excitement. "I take pictures to, I have a whole red room at my house." I then felt his excitement bury my depression,"Wow, a red room." I never got to use one of those. He then stopped feeling my chest, and looked down at my dark luming hair in curls, and my tiny breasts. "You know Delila, you should come over sometime. I can help you develop those film." He only said that because this was such a small town, and everyone knew everyone. It was not an unlikely thing to ask. "Okay, that would be fun!" He then went along with his check up on me, with an even bigger smile then the last time I seen it.

He told me after seven. When he would be done with work. He wanted me to come over to explore his red room he had.

I could not keep a straight face with my dad. I was much to happy that I was going to be picked up by him in an hour. I was now thinking about him again, like before. Trying to make out his tan endless muscular body. His glowing smile, as I said I liked pictures. I finally found something in common with him. Besides me being ill.

My dad wondered where I was going. I told him that Dr. Garrison wanted to show me more studies on the adaption to my new heart will be like. Trying to shy away from what I really felt.

When he picked me up, he had a sleek convertible with the top pulled down. He had casual clothes on this time. Jeans and a plain white shirt. He then got out of the car and opened my car door. He was a gentlemen too. Man he is amazing.

When we came down this long road, we then got to this tall modern like house. Having mirror like windows all around, and a gate surrounding it. We pulled up in his driveway, and he opened the door again for me.

When we got inside his house, the doorway spoke for itself. It was glorious. With a chandler at the entrance. It was like a castle. It had marble floors, and shiny sculptures everywhere. I was in aww at everything before me. Then I found his voice as he spoke echos to the vastness of the house," Come here, it's just down the hall." I found myself gazing at him more and more. I saw new things about him. The back of his head was more full of hair then the front. His eyes had tiny chicken scratches. It was handsome on him though. It made him seem more mature, and wise. Like he knew what he was doing.

When he lured me into the dark room, he said in hesitation, "Wait, I need to turn on the light." I could see that he was having a hard time finding the switch. Then I decided to take it on myself to find it, I did. When I flipped the switch he then looked at me in his flustering fumble to find it,"You know this house better then I do." I laugh and blush. He then asked me to come and see the floating photography that layered the top layer of the dissolution water. As I was stepping near where he was, I tripped. I hit the floor with my knees. Scraping the half of it upon the sharp corner on the frame of the door. I then saw him rush to my rescue. He knelled down to comfort me, in frame to help me. He then took my knee, and saw blood was spiting out of it. Not a lot though, just enough to freak him out. He then told me to stay where I was.

As I was waiting, in a little discomfort for my knee. I looked up in the dim red light, and saw at least twenty pictures hung by a close pin to a string up top the lab. I could barely make out what they were, but from my angle they were pictures of scenery. He captured it so beautifully.

When he got back, he then took my knee with no hesitation, and started to put a warm cream over it. He then wiped off the access cream, and wrapped some gauze around it, pinning it tight. He proclaimed that it will heal faster this way. I did not bother to question him, knowing he knew what he was doing.

When he was done taking care of my knee, he kept in his kneeling position to me on the floor. I then noticed he saw me admiring him. He then dazed right in my eyes, "You know, you have such beautiful eyes, so subtle and sweet." I then started to feel nervous, feeling cold again. "Really?" Questioning whether or not I had eyes at all. "Really. They are the deepest gold honey I have ever seen." I feel my body feel cold, but my face start to warm. Then I realize I am fluttering my eyes at his admiration. He still kept his small distance from my resting body on the floor. I then felt his eyes sink deeper in mine, like he was exploring me with them. He leaned closer, trying not to touch my knee. Then his hand touched my hand on the cold floor. As soon as it he touched my hand, not seconds after did I feel his lips touch mine. Forcing out so much sensation, that I never felt before. My nerves were all focused in a single point on my lips where he touched them.

Then he pulled back in astonishment that he did it. Like what he did was unacceptable to him. To me it felt like he was disgusted with himself.

"Ummm..." He was trying to think of something to say. Some kind of excuse to please what horrible thing he did. In my mind though, it was farthest from horrible.

He then grabbed my hand, and picked me up from off the floor. He told me it was late, and he was sure that I needed to do something other then spend time with him after that.

When he dropped me off at my house, I felt a longing for him. To feel his lips again, so gently caressing every morsel of his taste. But I went inside and laid on my bed. My dad was already asleep on the couch. So there was no need for good night wishes.

I had erotic dreams of him in the night. Not wanting to wake up to the reality in the morning.

When I got to the doctors again. He did not say a word to me. Just did his routine of x-rays, and check up.

As I thought all was lost, and that he would not talk to me no more. He interupted my deep breathing, " Delila, will you come over again. Tonight?" I then felt that sparkle in my eyes again. I felt releived he was not still in disgust for what he did. "Of course, will you pick me up again?" He smiled a childish smile, "You know I will. I need to still show you some of the pictures I took." I asked him what it was. He then giggled and said, "I took some pictures of flowers." I was now so in his raspy deep gentle voice. Hearing it flow though my ears like wine. "I can't wait! I am sure they are beautiful." He then admirely smiles at my comment to compliment him, "Not as beautiful as you Delila." I was so suprised at his remark to flatter me. I never knew I would hear a doctor call me that, and feel my heart skip a beat. Not from my condition did it jump, but from the bliss I was feeling from him.

When we came to his house again, he asked if he could show me something before we went to view his pictures.

We went in the back of the house. As soon as I walked out of the huge padio doors, I smelled it. Stronger then when I smelled it on him. I also saw it, all around me. There was a gorge of beautiful hemlock tree's and pine oaks all in the back. It surrounded us like some kind of fairy tale. I just stood there in amazement, "This is all yours?" I wondered, looking out to at least five acres of lush green trees. He looked at my disposal of suprised and tranquil look, "It is my main inspiration for taking pictures. It is the whole reason I bought this house about two years ago." I kept my view on the forest that was hidden in his backyard. Like a secret he keeps from others. I felt special he was showing me this. "Why me?" He said, "Your special, I told you that Delila." I blushed even more now. He then took my hand in a exiting surge of energy, "Now you will see my pictures." I could not think why he did not have anyone. He abviously lived alone. Have not seen anyone yet. Don't think I will. He is just so amazing, to think how he could be alone. It just sets me to want to know more and need more from him.

When I got into the red room, he had such a school boy face. He was so exited to show me his photography. "This one is of a flower I found in my backyard." I then stop being so focused on his exitement, and looked at what he was pointing to. It was so stunning. The way he captured just enough light, to behold the color in it's pedals. It almost felt like the flower was human, and I could see it's curves and tone in it's color as is cascaded to bloom. "You are gifted. This is incredible." He then took my hand again, and pulled me inward to his tall and broad body. Elegantly postured over mine, he seemed like he did not care anymore. He was no longer disgusted for liking me. His smile that he had before, turned down, and I could see a more softer sensual smile lean up. He then grasped my whole body in his hands. Pulling me to feel all of his structure underneath his thin shirt. His hands were strong and strudy, his touch was mesmorizing. He then kissed my lips so softly again, more eager this time. He admits his tongue in my mouth, to feel his slow movements between mine. I find my hand searching for the table with the supplies on it, getting a hold of my balance as he was pushing his body forward on me. All the while kissing me, he feels his hands under my shirt. No cold metal was touching my chest this time, only his warm fingers searching for my breasts. He made himself at home with his lips and hands. He felt every inch of my body. Lifting me up on the table, while pushing the delouted water of pictures on the floor. As I heard the carton drop and the water splash silently on the floor, I felt his entirety fill inside me under my dress. My dress ruffled to the very upper part of my thighs. And I felt my hand clutch tighter around his bunched up shirt at the bottom. I felt a whole rush of feelling unexplainable. So deep, with presures taking apart from my heart. Pain, and pleasure felt underneath. I felt the bottom of me budge over and over against the table. Feeling the most at ease, as I have ever felt. This was my first.

When he took me home, he kissed me quickly behind some shrubery, making sure no one saw. He wanted our relationship to stay secret. Just for us to know.

When I laid on my bed this time, I could not go to sleep at all. Only close my eyes, and think about the night I just had with him. How he made me so happy.

I come to his house all the time now, it has been a week since I been doing this. He loved me to come over too. Every time we entranced ourselves in each others arms. Sometimes taking pictures together. I had fun doing that, he showed me different techniques. He was so good at it. I even asked him one day, "Why don't you quit working as a doctor, and do something you really love?" He looked at me confused, "I love working as a doctor. I have to take care of you don't I?" I felt so silly happy, and came to realize my condition again. I had almost forgot about my heart. I almost forgot that I had problems. I just have not had any complications or pain lately. Maybe it's because I spend so much time focused on being happy with him, he takes away the pain.

One day when I went to his house, it was later in the evening then usual. He took me in the back of his house and took me to the most deepest part of the tree's. Where it felt like I was lost in the spirals of it.

He took me by the waist and laid me down on the ground. The ground was filled with clovers and moss. Not a sight of grass.

When I felt his body now envelope mine, I felt so much tingling sensation. The surroundings were so relaxing, and the ground felt cold. I felt the moss tickle my elbows. I felt his skin touch me under my new white summer dress. He kissed me again just like before. But this time he stared back at my eyes while kissing me. Normally that woud be awkward to see, but I loved his eyes. So deep brown, with now the reflection of the green sea underneath me. He was so deeply admiring my back, by touching the fold it had lining my spine. He was feeling all of my hidden spots, all of my focal points.

As the adrenilin builded in my body, as he pushed me farther into the plush green. He whipered to make sure as if I would not hear him, "I love you." I felt the need to say it back, but his body was penetrating me so beatifully, that I felt the rollercoaster of feelings erupting farther up inside my body.

The I felt it.

I felt the rush of his passion inside me, but I also felt the most endured pain I had ever felt in my life. I knew this pain, I knew what this was.

He kept on pushing me in and out of his composure, feeling much that he loved me. But I could not help but feel this pain now. It's like the adrenalin that I had turned into agonizing stinging pain. All though my body. I now no longer felt the passion, I did not say anything though. I wanted him to feel in trance with me. I could not feel my arm after a few seconds. Then the pain pounded, and the view of his body started to blurr and fade off. The view of his structure against the forest was going away. I then felt my heart out of my chest. I knew what was happening, but did not let the passion he was having stop.

Then as I felt his bodies movements near the end, my eyes were shut. Feeling only the bits of pain left, and seeing only black.

The last thing I felt was his lips over mine in release, and the scent of the hemlock tree's.

Feeling my hearts last beat, played over the harmony of his last loving presence.