Deep End

I haven't swam in a liquid foundation in a awful long time.

I think it has been two years now. Ever since he died, I have not been the same since.

I have wondering thoughts of his long gone presence. When he would swim by me side by side. Feeling his movements synchronized with the waves of mine.

Chase, was the most admirable soul I had set my eyes on. I used to be on the swim team with him. Seeing him for the first time, as I joined the beginning of Sophomore year.

He was new at school when he arrived. I did not remember him in my freshman year.

When I went to the beginning tryouts for the swim team. I was nervous and stammering my feet on the slippery cement. When I glanced over all the other people trying out. There was only one guy. He looked slender and tall. He had a light shirt over his flimsy swim trunks. His black tasseled hair was below his ears, covering them. He also had a confident look to his more then unusual pale face. He looked as if he never had seen the sun before. Ridden if he did though, his complexion was beautiful. His posture was like a board, you could not break. He seemed more mature then I was.

Viewing down at my hands, noticing that I had them clutched together, rowing them back and forth. I looked less of my age, I looked childish swaying my hands back in forth in comfort for being overly nervous. Then I noticed him looking at me. I then panicked, getting even more nervous. He then started walking towards me. I tried to look elsewhere, but the nerves got to me. He was getting closer. Seeing his upraised structure so overbearingly confident. Pondering and finding what to say to him when he would get to me.

As my feet are sinking back and forth like a swing, over the parsed water from the pool next to me-I slip. I felt the base of the souls of my feet, slide there last slide over the cold puddles.

I knew what was going to happen. I was going to fall, fully clothed, back first in the water.

Then as to think I knew, hands grab me around the waist in jolting movement. I was so prepared I was going to fall, that I got the chills down my spine as he grasped my hips.

I knew he felt my whole body shiver as he touched me, when he looked at me surprised. He strengthened me out over the cement, with my feet on the ground. He looked at me, like it did not even faze him he did that. He then turned away, as I was about to thank him. He left me just standing there, wondering how he had such great reaction towards me falling.

I had thought he wanted to see me before, but it turns out he needed to take off his shirt and store it in his gym bag on the benches. As he did so, I could see myself staring at him again. More aware that he could tell I was. His shirt went over his head, and the muscles now stared back at me. His emulating curve on his back spine, and the crevices in his chest as he turned around. I needed to not stare at him, but it was just so desperately hard. He was a man, not a boy.

He then passed by me, without a glance towards me. looking straight on to the coach talking about qualifications to be on the team.

My staring took over me, because I did not realize that the coach was walking towards my gaze. Then sure enough, I was taken out of my trance, and onto the coach telling me I had to get swim gear on. I felt my mind tracing towards my blushing. I was so embarrassed. I was the only one not focused on what we were supposed to do. So I just winged it when it was time to show our swimming skills.

We swam together, there was eight of us there. When we were at our starting points, I noticed him walking towards me again, his head held high. He then made himself company me. Feeling my nerves take over me again. He did not glance towards me. He kept focused on the waters edge. Like he was studying the water all the way down.

When the whistle blew, everyone lunged out with there hands in praying position over there heads. He was the first one in, his body next to mine glided like liquid silver. I felt his rush of waves wallowing over my body and head, as he rushed forward with great speed. He was so elegant and graceful. He was already five feet ahead of me. Before I knew it, he was passing me the other way. I felt overwhelmed with his talented swimming capabilities.

I am very fortunate that I made it on the swim team. I was the second to the last one out of the pool. Chase was the first of course. I don't quite know what happened though. I have been swimming all my life. I almost feel like a fish sometimes. Maybe it was because I was so enveloped over Chase. It was like, he was the water.

It had been five weeks since I had been on the swim team. Not once did he glance at me, or stutter to talk with me. I was but a weakling to him. Someone to just know that they are there, but that they aren't. He was so stubborn and light headed in that fact. He was so into himself. He did everything with ease, never lifting a sweat as he was our star swimmer.

One day it just became me and him in the pool lap practices. He was already in the water, like the bird he was. He swooped down like a tadpole, and flew though the water, with every muscle tense numb besides his structure.

When I got into the water with my tired legs. I had been running laps outside in the rain, just the day before. I was trying to take my mind away from him. Lately I have had my mind on him non stop. His curvy, elongated body. I knew he did not have the slight idea that I existed, to say the most.

When I praised my head first in the water, my legs let out automatically. I felt a cringe in my thighs and ankles. Like a tightening stop, within the movement of my muscles. I then felt a struggle for my arms to lift me up out of the water. It was to much of a struggle though. I started feel the chlorine water dampen my throat. It was building higher and higher.

Then, as I was starting to feel my feet at the bottom, fifteen feet deep. He stared straight in my face. My mind starting to lose its reality, feeling my eyes fade into black abyss. He looked in my eyes, noticing the more angles to his face. So slender he was. He took me by the waist again. Bringing me up to the surface, without moments to spare.

I found myself looking up to him on the puddled cement. Then I felt his lips touch mine, gently without emotion. He pressured air into me, giving me CPR. I finally lunged towards the ground, and spit out half the water in my lungs. Then noticing he was still looking at me, with the most emotion he has had towards me in weeks. He smiles, then laughs silently saying, "You okay, you nearly drowned." I look at him, and try to not laugh, I might gargle up more water. "Thank you." He then holds my hand to lift me up. He then asks in repetition, "You okay now?" I see his face from his smile, to a little frown. "I am fine, thank you so much." He then lets go of his breath, "Oh good." Then he turns around to the pool again, leaving me once again. "Hey wait!" I announced to him, startled by my confident yell. "How come you just walk away like that?" He then turns around slowly, before he was about to enter the pool,"What do you mean?" He says with a curious voice. "I just..I was just wondering." He then fully turns around, and starts to head back over to me. He looked at my hands that were pulled to my side, "I don't know...maybe it's because I get nervous." I then was brought back with that response, almost relieved,"You what? Why do you get nervous?" I said without trying, with my curiosity at an overdrive," I like you I guess." I then felt my cold body, that just was near drowned, felt like I been out in the sun to long. "Really. You like me." He then looked up, "I do, a lot." I felt my hands and feet start to shake. Maybe I was cold, but I sure could not feel it.

He then noticed me shaking and he ran off from me. I was not sure why he did that. Was he to nervous, or did I offend him? As my mind was now rushing to find out why he did that, he came rushing back to me. He had his towel in his hand. He then wrapped it over me effortlessly. Then finding himself in back of me, taking my hair out to place it over the towel. He then happily took a step back, "There, you should feel warmer now. It might just be your body returning to normal." I felt so comforted by his gesture. "How do you swim so fast?" I asked him in more curiosity, trying to find more out about him. He then easily voiced, "I have always swam, it is my passion, I feel like I am the water, like another world." I felt like I knew he was going to say that already, but to hear it was inspiring. He asked if I needed help to the locker rooms. I knew he was nudging me off a bit. "I am okay, I can do it." He then told me to go home, to not swim for today. It seemed as though he was even worried for me. I nodded in assurance. Then he said, "See you tomorrow then." He could tell I got offended with him nudging me off. I just said, "yeah." I wanted to still talk to him. But he just seemed, once again, not interested.

When I came to practice today. The whole team was there. He was glancing back and forth at me. When I would look his way, he would look the other. He was ignoring me, but then fondling over me. I just could not get why he was doing this. I thought, maybe I liked it when he did not know I exist. But apparently he did now, and I guess always had.

At the end of practice, he came up to me. He asked that I go with him to the lake. In Colorado, it rains often in this season. It was chilly and dark. I hesitated a response for a few minutes. Then I said, "Okay, will you be taking me?" You see, he was older then me, he was a Junior. He had already gotten his license. I still am a bit behind. "Of course," he said in a happy tone. Then he took my hand in declaration, "What are you doing?" He then had his eyebrows turned up with a secretive smile, "I am taking you right now." I looked at what I was wearing. My swim suit damp, and my hair still drenched, "I can't go like this." He said, "I need you to go like that." I then was really confused. I almost did not want to ask. So I went along with his adventure.

When we got to the lake. It was empty. I thought we were going to the lake I knew, but this was hidden off. Never did I see this before. I asked, " How do you know this is here? Didn't you just move here?" He looked at me surprised, "I have lived here before, just moved back." I nodded, tilting my head to the view of the lake. He then began to get out of the car. As I was getting out of the car, I noticed the whole seat was wet. " I looked at him, "My seat is all wet." He looked at me quickly,"Just come with me, don't worry about any seat."

He took me to the lake, with gravel around, and tall pine trees around it. It was dark, so the tree's shadowing over it made it even darker. I could see only the hidden light of the moon at the end of the lake. He then let go of my hand, he was clutching so tightly. He started to take off his shirt, as he dived right in to the icy cold water. Bound to make you go into a coma, if in to long.

I just stood there, watching him dive in, and then surface up. He looked at me in fascination, "Why don't you come in?" I was startled he would even ask, "I am not getting in that cold water." He laughed, "You will be okay. Promise." He said it with such a velvet voice, "Okay, fine." I was not looking forward to it, the air was even cold. I felt the water with my big foot, "It is freezing. You are absolutely crazy you know." He then slid back in the water, as I could see the echoed waves essence out to the farthest end of the lake. I watched him take off under the water. Still standing here, very unappeased to go in. Then I decided to hold my breath, and take his dare.

I felt the rupture of the crisp intense raw temperature besiege my face, arms, and legs. Then I felt my body get numb, to the unbearable coldness. I was more then discomfited to the surrounding of the icy frigorific water seething in my skins outer layers. Then as it touched my skin for the first moments. It seeped in my skin and tissue, feeling even more cold. I was already ready to get my feet back on the sandy ground with the mud of the black pearl lake blend between my toes. Then I felt the waves echo towards, as I was moving out. I then felt a tickling touch partake on my lower ankle. Then up he popped.

He was trying to get the dark hair out of his livid face. He then looked at me, and was quite determined, "You are not going anywhere." I could tell his determination turned into amusement, "It is so cold, I don't know how much longer I can last without getting frost bite." He looked at me in sarcasm hallucination, "You will get warm, just give it a few minutes." I grumbled with endearment, "Okay, sure. But if it does not get any warmer I am getting out. I am giving you exactly five minutes." He then grabbed my wrists and pulled me near his half naked body,"There, I will make you warm then." My head was now touching underneath his hold, and my wet clothes were weighing me down. His wrap around me then got tighter,"You feel any warmer now?" I looked up at him, adoring his perseverance, "Yeah, a bit, I guess." I was being pungent with my voice. I wanted him to hold me tighter then he was. Maybe if I said I was still cold, he would hold me all night till I would get warm.

He then held me tighter as I said that, making me hear his heart beat against his overly wet chest, "You are a stubborn one aren't you." I laughed at his remark, "The funny thing is, I thought you were the stubborn one."I could hear his heart get a rapid up beat to it, then he took his fingers and departed my dark of mine, making it so I could see his wet dripping face. He then waited for the right moment, a moment where I could see his whole face in the dark moon light. He had to take his head down six inches to get to my weary eyed face.

He was right though, I was warmer. He came down to my face. He then took the hand he whisked my hair with, and brought it under my chin. Cradling it in his hand, then kissing me brushy and thinly. He then came back up to look at my face. He took my hair out of my face again, even though it was already out of my face. "You are incredible Fay." I then let my head rest on his damp chest again,"No you are," I muttered very lightly. Grinning under his grasp.

I think his agility got slower from being with me everyday. Like his speed in the water slowed for me, on purpose.

When we would have practice after school. He would stay by my side the whole time in the water. He made his movements with mine. And when I was slow, he was slow. That made him bunk down to the second best swimmer. No longer the star swimmer.

I asked him why he does that. I told him, he is more then better at swimming. I did not want his talent to shadow because of me. He just frowns at the fact I care about his swimming ability more then I care if he is more near me. That is not the truth at all though. I just feel guilty. I love when I can feel his body heat in the pool close to mine. It makes me feel secure and safe, loved.

We had not gone to the lake in a while. We had a lot of hours to put into place at practices. We were going to have the big race. Between the rival school of ours. I could not wait, I had been anticipating it. I knew we were going to win, with Chase on our team. I asked him if he was looking forward to it, but he just hesitantly nudged, "Sort of. I prefer to spend time with you then anything." I looked at him in confusion. Weren't we already spending time together. I guess he just wants to be alone, at the lake again. "I can not wait till it's over. That is what I am looking forward to." I laughed mutely, "Did you want to go to the lake together today?" His gloomy face, turned right around,"I would love that."

I still did not want to go into the water. It was just still so frigid. But for him..."anything."

When we finally got to the lake again. He ran off towards the lake in frantic happiness. Almost like a bull finding it's red cape. I was so entertained by his boyish running. I just stood there in amazement, then I started to walk the path he took down running. I almost tripped over the thistles poking out from the ground, it was a slow hill I was traveling down.

When I got to the lakes mouth, I felt all the thistles and prickly pine needles fit snug in my pants leg. I was trying to get the thickets off, then he called me. "Fay, hey Fay!" I looked up to see what he was squanting about, then I got the most pleasurable appearance laid before the dark moon light. His body was fully nude, from head to toe. I could now see not only his pale face, but his alluring pale body.

He then dived as soon as I caught glimpse of him. I just stood there, done trying to take out the thistles. I stood there with my mouth closed in sensuality. Looking at the water, trying to make out where he swam to. I decided to take off my shoes. I was going to wait till he popped out. Then I found little bubbles perspire above the water near the shallow part. His head and figure standing up out the water. He then(like a goddess) came closer to me.

Without saying a word, he grabbed a hold of my face. He then madly but gently started to kiss me. Then he rapidly took off my clothes, and I found myself being just as bare as he was in the dim light.

Then he grabbed my hand and took me to the waters edge. He lifted me up and took me slowly in the water. This time it did not feel cold. It felt good, and I was naked. It was confusing to me.

I did not think to much of it though. He then took my legs and wrapped it around his waist. Then making the movements I would need to make, himself.

I moaned the highest most sensual moan ever, as the water and pressure of him fill me inside. Feeling the gushing sounds it would make. Feeling now the coldness of the water inside. It felt extraordinary, and magnifying. I had never felt this good, ever. His body moved just as he would if swimming. Like the wind, flowing grisly on my bodies hold. The waves we made, induced as he made the movements under it. It was like all the words not said, to devote to this unacquainted love, showed and revealed itself now.

I could not close my eyes. I felt if I did, the light he prevailed would dimmer, would fade. So I let the crisp waters surround me, while the essence of our love spoke though the waves wildly. Feeling almost a selfish gratitude, that I almost drowned that day.

It was the day of the race. I was getting ready in the far corner, seeing but crowds of faces hover tough, endlessly. I knew this was not my big moment, I knew it was his though.

I wanted so much for him to succeede in this. I wanted everyone to see how good he was. Almost as if he were my son, and I wanted more then ever for him to win the race. I wanted to confront him before the race, tell him to not taunt back with me in the water. To win it, for the team...for me.

It was to late though. The coach was already preasuring me to make my line at the end of the starting point. I looked at him, as he was now concentrated on the still waters ahead. He looked flustered though. He almost looked like he was hot, stumbling at his stance. He looked almost ill. I tried to call his name, to inspect my susspicions. But the anouncer to protest who is each team member, rumbled to loudly for him to hear.

After the anouncer finished, everything happened so fast. I glanced at him with one more worried look. Seeing his hands now ready for the dive. They were shaking, quite unsteady. His face was not focused enough now. He looked like he had gone though a tornado, and barely made it out alive. I was now, much to worried. Much to disgrunted with the way he put on himself.

As I thought things were getting fast, it got even more rapid. It happened in less then a second.

The whistles blew from both opposite coaches. I was in my position, but not ready. It almost caught me off balance to hear the long stretch of the whistles blare. My eyes were to focused on Chase.

As I saw the other divers blade though the water, I noticed Chase first.

His dived in at an awkward angle, and a thud was uncovered though the waters edge. The cement edge.

I could not even gather my thoughts, as this happened. I was the only one focused on him enough, to see what happened within an instant. I ran across the diving bouards that created a barrier to him. Making it such a long rendering time to get to him.

The fastenes that I felt, stopped. It was more then slower now. Almost to hard to move though the eruption in time itself.

When I finally got to him, many others were following my movements. Feeling many stand out of there seats on the bleachers. I heard the whistles again, knowing it was not the end of the race. They were wanting everyone to get out of the corpse that now laid in the sarine deep waters.

I still could not get my thoughts together. Even while jumping in the clear water as I did. Seeing it was now not so clear. Turning a deep red spreading over the area where he was.

When I grabbed a hold of his body under the water. I felt my heart did nt beat. But I was still moving though it, with not a gasp of air to hold me under.

I grabbed his hand with ease, like he weighed nothing. And lifted him up to the surface. As soon as I did, a hand admidst his, and he was out with still no thoughts to gather. I was blank. Like my mind was lost the moment I saw he was unstable.

I watched as the crowds were pushed over. As so many were in a frenzy.

My body lifted up out of the water, as I watched him trying to be revived from the staff. But I did not see one movement from his hand that caught in my view. Then I saw the man, that was there before him. He to a futurative step back, and started to cry. I did not know if I had more perception of hearing at that moment, but I could read his lips.

"He was gone."

Here I am now. The dark cascaded tree's over the moons dim light, seem eerie now. The water seemed like it was going to freeze over. There was only but one wave to surround me, my own. The thistles coming down seemed hurtful. The air seemed still. Nothing was the same anymore.

I had been regreting coming to this place again. My tolerent heart, did not hear my mind. I was here, and just as I predicted, I was in shambles. My heart thudded and echoed though my head. My ribs felt like they were enclosing in on me. I thought for coming here, it might releive the greif and pain inside. Just a morsel. But I felt even more deprived of him.

When I got to the middle of the lake I let the dim light fade over my presented face. I started to numb my legs, letting go of the stregth to keep me to the surface. I then felt the more then cold tranfuse over my chin and hair.

With my eyes closed, I sank my body effortlessly to the black pearl mud, that layed at the bottom of this lake. Not knowing if it will still be black mud in the middle of it. I felt the water pull me down, as the waves stregthened to still.

I looked straight ahead at the blurr of dark eerie waters, feeling my air disipate. I felt my heart slow to a halt, after each moment I did not have air.

As my body flimsed to the barrowing deepness I was letting myself to succumb to. I saw him. I saw his pale skin again, staring back at me fazely though the dark waters. It was almost surreal. Seeing his hair fade in with the blackened bliss of frigid. I felt myself almost smiling, feeling warm again. Kissing my lips like he was not even there, for he was not.

As soon as I felt the memory of his lips, my heart was done beating.

Now a fragment of cold nothing beneath the dim lit moon, and the cold and dark plunge of hidden waters. Whispering in my last grasped thought,

"I love you."