Adoration Conviction

My head is still spinning, but I can still keep steady thoughts. All I can make out, and know if I open my eyes. I will only see a disconsolate capacious room, with me tied like a fool.

I knew that this would happen, but I think I never really gave it much thought before. I never knew I would fall for her this hard. And with my now crumpled up heart- she deformed so well. I am awaiting not for her, but for an answer as to when I will see her again.

I know in the knowledge that a grown man can consume over the years, I will not see her again. That is why I keep my eyes closed. Hoping maybe if they are closed long enough, my life will just fade along with her.

I don't taste the bitterness of my bodily fluids rising in my mouth. I taste the bitterness of this hurt and anguish I seem to feel, as she left me here. I feel no pain, only my heart does.

" He's in here..!"

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The air was stagnate as the cool rush of the water drizzles were hitting the back of my head. I looked at my watch, and could see without looking that she was going to be here any moment. I twisted the knobs and made sure everything was in check. The paint had dried last night, and I was astonished at the way it turned out.

I had grime, and looked like my hands and chest were quite mordant. I was a little distinguished at my muscles bulging in creases I did not see before. I felt maybe confident, standing here with a screw driver in one hand. I could not wait to see here expression as she got back. She had been waiting for this to be done for so long. Well..about as long as I been around her.

I heard the clusters of gravel and dirt kick up as she neared the driveway and scorched grass, being dampened by the light lingers of rain.

" Samantha!" My voice seemed a bit on the dry side. Probably because I forgot to drink anything all day, been so busy working on getting this thing fixed. I now felt my stomach talk, as I thought about what I ate today as well. Nothing.

She climbed out, without even taking here eyes off the train of her thoughts. She was in a daze it seemed. " Hey you, I got a surprise for you." She looked at me with a straight glance, and then she lost her train of thoughts, and smiled a big gleam towards my face. Her big brown black ivory eyes stared at me wide enough to hug me. Her balance was leaning towards me now, and she captured her hands, clutching within mine.

" What is it? You know I am a sucker for surprises." With here dark tight leather vest, and her hip hugger black jeans, she seemed so innocent with her sweet voice swaying in my ears. Her impression was far from innocent, but her heart inside, was like a lilac and a rose making an offspring. She was far beyond any woman imaginable.

I caressed her inside my arms, she always loved when I would flex slightly around my hold. Samantha was a girl that knew how to get herself around in life. She did not need anyone, and she knew how to find ways to survive the way she wanted to survive. I knew that she felt safe in my arms, but I also knew she had enough back bone to just force me off of her. She was not a little prissy girl. She was a woman, with ambitions.

I leaned towards her soft long fatal hair. I agitated it behind her silver earring, and whispered loudly to tell her to follow me. I told her to follow me to the garage.

She looked up with her left eyebrow facing towards my chin, and the other towards her cheek. She was a little confused. " Don't worry, it's nothing that will make you mad at me." I said it with enough convincing notes, that she clutched my hand tighter, and as I dragged her to the garage, she ended up dragging me. I smiled at her over willingness to find out what it was.

When we got near to the scratched wood barks and paint pealing off the right side of the garage. I told her to stop, and let me take it out. I could tell her mind was racing with to many thoughts. She hated to think, she liked it when she knew and could predict.

I let go over her hand gently, and briskly went off to the side of the garage. The rain was dying down, and the pine and red brook was freshly being scented through the air. I grabbed the tarp over it, and let it fall to the puddles beside it.

I clutched the handle bars, and reeled it out to her. Kicking the stand at the last moment.

" No you didn't!" Her eyes were like ovals, and I almost could make out a button popping out of her blouse, or maybe it was just her heart popping out. She was so surprised, that she forgot what she was going to say next.

" It's...it's...gorgeous!" She stuttered her words to make out what her excuse was to thank me. I did not need to be thanked though. I would do this for her, even if I never knew her.

The bike shimmered shadow blue and violet, and I moved it to her scoping. She could not view it more steadily, then what she was at this very moment. I gave her a few minutes to capture her imagery, and then she jumped up, and ran aside the fully finished Yamaha. She then praised her body, wrapping it over my muscles as tight as she could. I almost felt like it was to tight, feeling her strength reach it's peak around her hold.

" I thought you would like it." My voice ran into a chuckle, as she smiled over my shoulder blade.

" I love it Nate."

She let go of her hold, and balanced out to the bike. She looked at it over and over, and then stared back at me with a hurtful smile. " Can I take it out? Is it good to go?" She sounded like a purring kitten, brushing up the side of your leg, wanting something in return for her sweet remarks. I of course wanted her more then ever to try it out. After all, I got it to the condition it is, for her.

" Of course Sam." As I pressured her hips slightly to the bikes seat. She climbed on with one swift movement, and straddled her long legs over the sides. Her hands stretching over the black interiors of the handles. " Alright I am going to start it up." The drill, as she pressed against the gas..was like a fire over a brush of wild strayed grass. It slowly engulped with a startling roar. " I like that, it sounds perfect. I can't believe you got it working so smoothly." Her voice was a rush of excitement and adrenalin slithered over her tongue. " Why don't you really see if it runs perfect. Take it out on a test run." I let her see in my eyes, that it was not going to fail on her. Promising her with just a quick glance. She tightened her grip around the bars, and signaled her hair out over her back, and off she went. The dirt and collapsing puddles flooding over the back of her tires, and hair flowing in the fresh wind. I smiled as she took off, feeling her hearts pounding of excitement in my own.

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The fleeting of night fall grew over the windows frame, but in my mind, It was still day. I had worked two days on that bike, without a minute to spare. And I am not even tired. It may be because she is under my arms, and her scent smells like vanilla and dandelions. Piercing my nose with an aroma of sweetness. Waking up my senses. Her breathing was quiet, and happy. I could tell she was tranquil to be with me and have her bike finally restored for her.

I was also a bit wary though, wondering how tomorrow would turn out to be. Now that she had her bike, there was not stopping her from accomplishing her plans. My heart was beating not fast but slower, as I was contemplating on how to handle it when the time came. When tomorrow came. I did not want to let go of her now. I did not want this moment with her laying effortlessly in my arms to go away. I was only forced to think, that this darkness, would turn to light soon. And then the struggle to find how to get enough courage to do what I was set out to do, be even that more difficult in my mind.

The thing I was fighting off the whole two months being with her...is falling for her. Fighting the will to love her. The fight was getting to overbearing to outlast anymore. Her smile in her sleep was angelic as I studied it. I almost felt tears rush over my face, as I looked at her.

I hated this. I hated being like this. "Samantha," I whispered to myself. "Why did you do this to me. This was not suppose to happen."

The night grew over my lids. And all I could interpret, was the last lingered thoughts and the scent of vanilla, and the chronological sequence of pellets..slenderising down the window frame.

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" Sam maybe we should wait till next week, or next month to do this?" I was being frantic with my word choice, wanting ever so badly for her to give in, and just wait a little while longer. Or maybe not even do it.

Her hair was flinging in her face, as she quickly pulled it back in a fast knot over her head. Her eyes were now in my focus, as she singed them like a song over the bags she was packing. Actually one single bag. One single big black bag.

She did not notice my expression on my face I was giving, as she gathered her supplies. Her benighted clothing, every single one of her possessions she was packing were pitch black.

I kept hearing the track of zips, as she packed and unpacked things to there rightful place in the bag. And finally she reached under the bed frame, and placed a cold light black fatal metal in the bag. My heart skipped twenty beats at once, and I got up to reach to her.

" Hey, do you really want to do this?" My face was falling off its skin, and my mind was sliding out of my hands, as I wrapped her in my arms as always. I sniffed her scent really deep as I spoke with agitated stutters. Her smell was the same, but more drastic, more allusive. It was almost painful to smell her. I knew it might be gone later today...for good.

She leaned her head around to have her eyes breathe in my existence. " Yes.. I told you before you met me, this is what you were getting into." Her eyes placed me in a sphere, where I could only see her dark bloody silk gaze seethe me down, and make me drown in her beauty as she spoke softly and confidently. This was what she wanted, and she did tell me up front when I met her. When I easily fell in love with her. I also think this is one of the reasons why I fell in love with her. I fell in love with the fear in her eyes, that she did not have. She feared absolutely nothing. This was hard for me to conceive of a woman to have. But Samantha had it.

I just did not want her to make the mistake, and have myself conclude that mistake for her.

The moment she tilted her head and spoke to me, she tightened her fist around and pushed me back. Her eyes were of a tyrant in soft fury. " Either you go with me, or you stay. But I am leaving in five, so don't leave a trail." Her mind was now back on the bag, and the door. Her voice raised by the end of her sentence. Then she spoke again, making the loud eruption hither down to a feathered adornment, " I love you Nate..I would really wish you would be my partner in this. If you feel differently, then so be it. Just don't bring me down with you."

She then dropped her bag that was already in her hands, and fell to my arms one last time. This time she looked up high and deep in my face. As she searched for any disagreement. Then she took her smooth white satin cold hands, and placed them around my chest, feeling my backs inner crevice. She lifted her feet and textured face up to mine, and closed her darkened eyes to aniline her lips with mine. I leaned more closer in a fast motion, and sunk my lips and taste buds inside so passionately and erotically. For the last placed moments I could. I hardened my softness inside a fury in her mouth. Sucking all the love and searching for all the sweetness of her lost lips as much as I could. Then she gracefully parted, and crowded away form me as fast as her lips came.

I could feel my hands shaking as I knew she was now ready to leave. I did not even know what my last thoughts were before I kissed her, but I felt my feet moving to follow her. If this was going to happen, I had to be with her. It was my job.

" I am coming." I said it under my mouth, but I was sure she heard it. I did, and the moment I said it, we were off on the bike together. Following her desired destination, in the glacial winds passing in a accelerated motion. With the fires of the engine roaring out my thoughts, for the briefness I could adhere.

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The blood was rushing to fast to my brain, that I no longer could see my vision ahead. I could only see her park behind the building. I could only feel her hands take off my back. And feel the wet dampness of my head again. I turned to face her, as she was whisper yelling to me.

" Nate get off, and get your gear on. Please..now!" Her face was flustered with distraction for me and what she was putting over her face. She was getting frustrated at my slow pace. I got off the bike, and kicked the brake. I traced my view on the dead puddles, as the pellets would deplete the silence every time it touched them on the immortal street.

" Alright.." I robotically took the mask, and placed it over. The wet dampness flooding inside the cloth. It did not smell as good as the vanilla that still radiated from her closeness to me. It smelled like wet dog, and warped wood, mixed in with my hair.

The rest of the channeling she was doing to me, did not configure fast enough. I had to stay focused, but I was to desperate to leave to focus on her grabbing the hard metal. Her unlatching it. Me following her testily towards the entrance in a pressured rush.

As soon as we got into the building, with my clutch to the black bag on my side. The voice of her blacked out. The voices around seemed to ignite to be loud as she first entered in, but I could not tell. Not even the vastness of the tall walls and the deep cut ceilings could not echo the screams back in my ears. I heard nothing. I could only see the haze of Samantha as she was in another state of mind.

Her mouth loud under her mask, and the screams over her spoken words, died down as soon as she spoke. The man she was interested in, placed all her desires inside the bag. As she pointed the metal ever so stricken at his face. The other small metal was in her other hand as she pointed it to the screamers.

The moment we entered in the building, I felt us heading out. I never even knew that we were in it in the first place. It all seemed like a distant blur. A memory that never existed, but yet so vivid in its own way.

I looked back at the building as we lunged ourselves on the bike as fast as we could. Samantha was screaming at herself in adrenalin that she did it. I was still in shock that we even accomplished or entered inside.

Her face looked so happy though, so full of life and color. I felt a smile smirk upon my face after four hours of feeling like I was dead inside. I knew it was going to go away in maybe an hour, but I felt happy right along with her. I felt her victory right along with her.

That's what her smile did to me. Even in the blizzard of paranoia and storms of rain blistering on our faces.

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" I can't believe we did it..I mean look at all this!"

Her emotions and face as she spoke were just as ecstatic and exited as her voice. She could not keep her eyes off of me and the bag full of her possessions. I could feel her happiness radiate to me, but as I felt it sink in my skin, I could only feel the sadness that I was about to do soon.

I smiled with her, and took her in my hold. I carried her across the dirty hotel floor. I laid her on the neatly made bed. It smelled like cheap detergent, and beer. It did not create a distraction though, not from her strong scent beneath me.

I took her upon me across the bedding, and created a hole of comfort in my arms for her. She did not need any comfort from me, from the way she was feeling right now. But I felt she would need it later, when she would not want it from me anymore. I needed it from her, when I could not get it from her anymore. I would miss it.

I was brushing my thumb over her cheek, over and over. I was addicted to her soft pale skin on my tan skin. I liked to feel it shedding under my hands. I felt her grin under my hold. I could not bare to smile anymore though. I felt like I was creating a dead casket for myself, as I dug my own grave watch time I grazed her face.

" Samantha..."

" Yes.." Her voice was so relaxed and the most soft I ever heard it before. I did not want to rupture that, but I had to. I had to be brave and tell her now.

" Sam.. I have to ask you to leave the money here." My voice was stern, and she could tell I was not joking. But still she left a confusing and maddened reply.

" What are you talking about Nate. There is no way I am going to do that. You must be out of your mind." She pushed away from me on the bed, and picked herself up to stand against the bed near the bag. Her face was confused and mad.

" You have to Sam... You see."

I grabbed what I had in my back pocket, a gold plated metal. Not at all lethal. She took one moment to herself, and then quickly grabbed the bag. She started to cry, and curse.

" How could you Nate! I thought you were something else. You are a liar.. and a cheat! Fuck you! I am leaving and I don't care what you do to me."

I jumped up from the bed with enough force and power to grab her as soon as she spoke. She was jittering and trying to bite me, kicking me away. Pushing with all the force she had in her. But my arms did not budge around her. Even though she was strong, I was stronger. I felt her pain in me. It made me start to cry with her. She felt one of my tears fall on her arm, and she stopped her moving. She looked at my face, and then I felt all my streanght fade within her vision to me. Her eyes were scared, and her lips were quivering. It made me melt into anguish to see such happines she had before, drown with the person she trusted. She loved.

I then took her forearms, and held them gently but tightly. And as I did so..she fell into my chest. I felt her quivers find her all through her body. I held her softly.

I took her off of my chest and looked at her in her brown teary eyes. I picked up her chin, and told her to leave.

" Leave now Samantha. Take the money. But you have to do one thing for me in order to make it work."

She gazed her tears away, and sniffeled her posture back up. I told her what she had to do, and she started to cry again. But I told her, it was the only way she would make it out of this. So she tufted her feet up to kiss me one last time. And nodded, desperatly to get it over with.

" I love you Nate."

"I love you to Sam."

She came back in the room with the knotted four way rope..and I sat doen in the chair in the middle of the room. She tied it enough to make the veins in my arms stick out under it. Then she wrapped a cloth that she ripped off the bedding in a strip. She tied it around my mouth and head. Then she came closer and kissed me on my head. She barreled back to the black bag full of her posessions. She grabbled the metal crobar. And took it with one hand behind her back, and lifted ot slightly to her side, forcing it over to me. Making the pain that I felt for her, twine in with the pain of the skin pealing off at the new injury. The blood was tasted from my head to my mouth. And I tried to regain my vision, but all I could see was her getting ready to strike again. As she did, I felt only bitter cold and bitter taste die with black shades filling my body. And the footsteps and door closing in the distance of my mind.

She was gone, but she was safe now. Safe from me, and safe from them.

All I could smell was the cold dark room, and the sour smell of my blood. No more silk vanilla to wake up my senses. Just the lonely sirens that were coming for me.

For her.

They will not find her now, only I will know what really happened. It will be my burden to carry. Because I love her, I love a convict named Samantha Delia. She is a convict that took my status as an officer. That took my status in my heart.

I will not see her again, I am sure. I just know, I have no doubt in my mind this was the wrong thing to do, but yet the right thing to do for love.